Oh, I forgot to explain about the chocolate airplane. Thing is, building and flying model airplanes (Control Line, not Radio Control) is a major hobby of mine. Homebrewing is another. She said she had wanted to get me a "discovery pack" of beer - basically a six-pack of samples from local craft brewers, but the liquor store didn't have any left, so she got me the chocolate airplane instead, to show she's thinking of me. Yes, it's sweet that she thought of something like that, and the card she got me was very nice, but a little hollow given how little else she did (i.e. just a couple of tepid hugs and kisses, nothing that really said "I Really do love you"). So I'm feeling a little blue this morning...
I've also decided that this evening, I'm going to explain to the kids that W and I are getting some coaching on how to improve our marriage, and that as a result, they'll notice that things are a little different, or very different, around the house. I'll also be saying that one of the challenges we've been given is to not watch TV for 30 days, which is why they won't see Dad in front of the tube. Not that I don't want to share times with the family, but that I've committed to seeing this through.
You are doing great. I don't think you should talk about the no TV thing anymore, it's making you come across a little holier-than-thou I think. And she'll be feeling that. Carry on with the AOS because that is a commitment you've made to yourself. She most likely hasn't made a commitment to herself about getting physical with you. She is doing this at her pace, and you are doing it at yours. Don't be watching what she's doing all the time (I'm sure she feels like she's being watched).
The perfect childhood thing is something my H (the alcoholic) also claimed to have - which I didn't really buy. But there was no point ever trying to raise that with him. In fact maybe he did have a great childhood and maybe that was part of the problem. Complacency and never having learned that you have to work for things. He just expected a great M like his folks had was going to fall into his lap as his birthright. Whereas I knew that my folks had had their problems and I wanted to work at having a better M than that.
Also I believe he used my disclosures about my own upbringing as "proof" that I was the defective one. Whereas he had a perfect upbringing and was therefore fine.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
An interesting dynamic is starting to become apparent. Last evening when I got home from work, I saw that there was a basket of laundry sitting there unfolded. All 3 kids had been home all day, because yesterday was a provincial "holiday" (non-mandatory, I had to work), and still nobody had folded it. So after I changed out of my clothes, I went into the living room, grabbed the basket, and started to fold (it was just a few towels and washcloths - wouldn't take more than 5 minutes to fold and put away). W came in and saw me folding, and immediately said "Don't fold those - I'll fold them later." She even grabbed the basket and started taking it down the hallway. I protested that I could certainly fold the towels and it would only take me a few minutes, and it isn't that I don't do it well, either. She then dumped the basket on the floor and started folding them herself, somewhat exasperated. I calmly helped her fold them and put them away.
I'm thinking there are a couple of possibilities here. First, I'm thinking that with me doing all these AOS for her, giving her what she said she needed to help her feel connected with me, she realizes she'll have to step up to the plate and reciprocate with me, and she doesn't want to. I think she actually liked the status quo, and isn't ready to give it up. Also, if I'm looking around and seeing things like this that aren't done, and doing them, perhaps she feels that reflects on her as a housekeeper, even though the kids were also home all day and could have (SHOULD have) folded them already. It does seem like she's starting to push back against my AOS campaign.
Last night after supper, we sat in bed and read till bedtime. We were both kind of tired, and I thought it would be a nice low-impact way to spend some time together. As for the supper dishes, I let the kids help her with that, because they should. In fact, after supper, they jumped up right away and started clearing the table, which I took as a sign that they wanted to do that, but when W was preparing to wash the dishes, they all disappeared, such that she had to go after them and ask them to come dry. Interesting. Anyway, reading in bed was nice, but it was still more of the same, in that there was no physical closeness, and she dozed most of the time, but baby steps...
This morning, I saw that the dishwasher was clean, so I emptied it and put the dishes away before breakfast. She was out of the room. I also made sure that all the dirty dishes were in the dishwasher before I left for work. The campaign continues...
This is interesting Tim. I think there is a m/f thing going on here. Something that men tend to be very good at is single-minded focus and commitment to doing something well. Women are (generally) more distractible and spread themselves thinner.
So you are single-mindedly focusing on improving your M, you've committed to doing certain things like No TV and AOS so you will do them and not be deflected. I think this is making her feel uncomfortable. I think it makes her feel like she is failing in some way.
I remember way back when, having argument after argument with my H about the household chores. He was just not pulling his weight and we had no kids back then and both worked. We finally figured out that we should each have a week on and a week off. In his week nothing would get done until the final day when he would blitz the place with incredible energy and commitment and hand over a perfect house for my week. On my week I would do a bit here and a bit there knowing that I wouldn't have enough energy to do the whole place in one hit and also knowing that I didn't like leaving things to pile up. On the last day I would (somewhat resentfully) rush around ticking off the last few things on the list. In the end the arrangement broke down because of my resentment of him doing it so well!
I think she needs you to still have a few faults, so she can feel at ease with her own. It's not all roses being married to Mr Perfect if it means you have to be Mrs Perfect.
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I hear you, and I think there may be some merit in what you say, except that I'm not conveying any judgement or expectations, I'm simply doing what I feel is necessary to reconnect, given what she has said would make her feel special. And the C did give her a specific instruction that when she felt I had done something to make her feel that way, she should show her appreciation by physical means (hug, kiss, etc.), which is MY way to feel special. It's just that we've been on autopilot for SO long, I know it'll take a while to change course. I'm being patient, and I'm not feeling or showing (or implying) resentment, I'm just going to keep it up until she can trust that I'm not doing it just to manipulate her.
Tonight will be interesting, because "Lost" is on, which is one of the things W is determined to watch. We mentioned last evening that tonight we might play Scrabble, so it'll be interesting to see if she cuts the game short to watch Lost. If she does, I won't say anything, I'll just go into the bedroom to read. She's clear on the fact that I'm committed to the no-TV challenge, and I've said she's to do what she needs to. I also decided last evening not to follow through with announcing to the kids that we're seeing a C (I had decided to state it as "We're getting some coaching on improving our marriage") - I ultimately decided that it might make them nervous, and they might want reassurance that we're not going to split. It's much too early in the game to make that determination, and if I reassure them now, and then we do split, that might be doubly hurtful to them. Also, I decided that the whole C thing is actually between me and W, and while it does ultimately affect them, it doesn't include or involve them. So for now, I'm not going to call attention to it, or announce it, even in the context of the different things they now see going on in our home. If they ask me about it, I'll be up-front with them - they're adults, after all, even though they do still live at home.
Tonight will be interesting, because "Lost" is on, which is one of the things W is determined to watch.
We'll be taping it, as it turns out. So at least she's willing to meet me halfway - that's promising! It means that the "spirit" of the challenge will be met - we'll have to figure out how we're going to spend time together, which was the point. I suspect it'll be scrabble tonight...
