I am officially divorced now and looking at DBing and saving my R from the outside now. At this time, there is no way I am giving up hope on working things out with X. He has given me too many mixed signals to not throw in the towel just yet.
My question is.... Have any of you had success with your x spouse after the D has become final? Or are you just trying to move on without them? Thanks for any responses or advice. Emma
Emma, Divorce was granted Jan. 2001, I appealed it, legal divorce final October 2001. Still trying hard. I wear my ring and tell her I don't recognize the authotrity of human courts over God's marriage (surprisingly, several appellate courts recognize this and say they are only dissolving the "civil contract"). This is a long process. Keep goin'; don't quit!
I would like to commend you for standing for the restoration of your marriage. If he is sending you mixed signals and you still want the marriage, then keep trying.
My xh left 11/00, filed for the D in 5/01 and it was final 12/01. I sought spiritual counseling from my pastor because I wanted to do the right thing regardless of what my feelings were at the time. I was willing to stand for my marriage up until the moment the D was final and I did. But once it was over, I felt that I had been called to live in peace. And that meant letting go of my xh and moving on without him. Leaving the court house was a moment of clarity for me. I believe that most of our pain and suffering comes from wanting what we cannot have. For me, I began to heal when I stopped wanting him.
I don't know if you are a person of faith or not, so pardon me if I appear presumptuous...I believe that God knows the beginning from the ending of all things including our marriages. Seek the answers through prayer and listen to that quiet little voice inside you...All things really do work together for the good.
I know from my own personal experience that it is tough when your ex-spouse sends you mixed signals. My XW does this sort of thing constantly - even though she is still carrying on a relationship with her former "affair mate".
I strongly urge you NOT to put yourself in the limbo that "refusing to give up" creates for yourself. It leads to nowhere.
Instead, I propose that you focus on an approach similar to mine: I am open to reconcilition with XW, but not waiting nor actively working for it. I remain her friend, and we really DO get along well, better, in fact, than when we were married. On the other hand, I am also open to a new relationship with someone else. If I meet someone new who completely pulls me away from Xw, then so be it - I welcome it happily and willingly. In the meantime, I will just do whatever makes myself and my children happy.
Please don't waste precious time and energy engaged in one-sided ploys and half-baked strategies that may NEVER bring your ex-H back. You're only playing head games with yourself. Life's too short.
And finally - when you DO decide to move on, or meet someone else, that is probably when your XH would most likely be jolted into action. It almost ALWAYS happens that way.
Emma, it is time to move on. Even the Last Resort Technique says you need to move on and get a life for your own personal happiness.
I suggest Dulcie's route. Even though I wasn't spiritual at the time, I found my local church. I still go a couple of times a month. The church taught me to love myself, love others, and let go of the unhappiness.
Once you become strong emotionally, then you can work on your relationship again. But this time it will be a position of strength and love. Let go and if the relationship comes back together then it is meant to be.
Emma, I don't want to start a debate but I encourage you to keep trying. I don't know how long I can take this but I have felt very good about myself taking a strong stand. Our divorce culture is an atrocity. History will view this period of America as a joke. Never before has the family been under this kind of attack. The walkaways view "personal fulfillment" as the ultimate goal. I have never felt "fulfilled" taking the easy road. I am proud of having refused to quit for so long. "Moving on" is not the only way to feel right.
Blair I was going to respond to one of your posts. You're divorced. It's over. The Fat Lady sang. It is time to let go of the past and start to get a life of your own.
Instead of being the Guerrilla Divorce Buster, why don't you try to be the Guerrilla Start a New Lifer?
Emma - the fact that you are asking tells me you are unsure. Are they really mixed signals you are receiving or are you just hanging onto anything you can. If you are on this part of the board you will hear more from people that have moved on so if you haven't just take that advice with a grain of salt. You do deserve a life and can have a great one married or not. I know people sometimes get back together after being divorced but right now that should be the furthest thing from your mind. I think you have to let go completely before you can start off fresh again and then only after lots of forgivesness. I truly respect everyone who gives their all to save their marriage but have seen people take it to the point where it is counterproductive to themselves and any hope of reconciliation. Only you know the answer but it is scary to admit it sometimes. It also can be empowering and can give you great personal growth that maybe can lead to what you really want. Ask yourself what you want and if it is attainable. I wish you luck and fulfillment. I'm also thankful for the strenght my faith has given me.
Not sure if this helps but now I realize that my ex was very lucky to be with someone like me. She made a decision, I tried all I could and I reached a point where my efforts needed to be put into me. It's been a great investment. All our battles our different. Be very honest to yourself and see where it takes you.
Hi there, You have gotten some excellent advise here. One thing I want to add is that there is a web site for people such as youreself who want support and resources for holding to the marriage despite the divorce action it is www.restorem.org. It always helps to have support.
What I want to say is that we who are divorced need to realize our ex spouces are at a different place in their life than we are. Some might come back to us most wont. I know in my own situation I thought, hoped my EX would really struggle in the town she relocated to. In fact she did for a while. Then her parents opened the floodgates from their financial portfolio and EX now has little to worry about. Hey her parents are even living with her! How convienent. My point is that there is nearly always something that keeps the EX glued to the position in life that took them out of the marriage. I think you may find you are banging your head against a wall. I don't see if you have any kids or an order for child support and visitation but if you do your EX is still going to be in your life and you two are going to have to work together for the benefit of your kid(s). You should use those situatiions to really gauge where he is in life and whether or not that is the person you want back. Do you want back the marriage you HAD or the marriage you THOUGHT you had? That's a tough question. If you can answer that you will be in a much better position.
Understand there are always two sides to every divorce and they seldom agree. Right now, and I dare say for the forseeable future, you and your ex will not be seeing eye to eye on any of this. This will be really frustrating for you. Only time will change things. Be ready to accept whatever comes your way.
Doodle's daddy, Right now starting a new life sounds very good, so does picking up a prostitute; it's not the right thing to do. I understand that you and "the fat lady" think I should move on. God, on the other hand says I should keep trying (Matthiew 5:32; Mark 10:11-12). I think I will try God's way and see what happens.
