So..I wonder how you can DB in the midst of getting divorced? My feelings of hurt and anger and really, rage, are keeping me from having any positive feelings towards H right now.
My lawyer shared H's lawyer's email for temporary demands...H wants a lot of $$ each month for the next 3 months until the permanent maintenance(alimony) is decided..I don't have the amount he wants left over each month so that blew me away...
He wants to split half of our joint money market which we both had agreed was for the kids' college funding. H promised all along before,during and after separation that the kids come first...well I guess not. I think that is the thing the enrages me and hurts the most...that I really believed through all this MLC crap that being a good father was the one thing that hadn't or wouldn't change.
My lawyer says this is like the first pawn move in chess and they are asking for everything...but it still upsets me that he would go after the kids' money.
I can't feel anything compassionate about H right now. I really hate him right now. I don't know how to be compassionate for someone who is making actions that will further hurt our children.
I just feel stupid for believing there was a core of goodness in him, some level of decency underneath.
I just feel heartbroken. I don't care what happens to him now. I know that these feelings are fresh and will change..I'll find my balance again..just blown away right now.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Typical lawyer games. They go for the throat first, so that there is room to negotiate down to what they really want. Try not to take it so personally, even though it is hard.
"Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out." Robert Collier
"One's best success often comes after their greatest disappointments." Henry Ward Beecher
You do have to step back and take a breath for sure and calm down. Alot of it is lawyer speak, and purposefully meant to freak you out.
Let your attorney do the talking and listen to him very closely. Anger is a natural human emotion, and it's ok for awhile. Just do NOT let it be the basis for good decisions.
Sorry you are in this mess. You did not ask for it. Lots of shoulders here.
It's tough but you have to separate the D process from everything else and treat it like business, nothing more.
I know right now that seems difficult but you can do this.
Lawyers play a game, $100 letters, $50 phone calls, and the list goes on and on. You need to learn this game and how it's played.
Soco is correct they will ask for much more at first to give them room to negotiate down to what they will accept.
You need to fight the urge to talk "business" with your H.
DON'T. Do not mention a word to him. NEVER.
You can't afford to reveal your hand or get caught up in a he said she said back and forth pointless discussion.
Leave it to your lawyer to handle your "business."
Lawyers are NOT the law. Do not get intimidated and do NOT give ground. Now is the time to really look out for you.
This sucks big time, you will go through a range of emotions, make sure you use your head and not your emotions to make decisions. It will get better. Many of them will have to travel down every dead end road including following through with the D before they realize it doesn't fix a damn thing.
Thanks for the common sense...it sure goes away quickly when you're hit with crazy demands...
The fact that H didn't specify to his lawyer that the joint account was the kids' money and not to be split still bothers me though. But I will not bring it up.
Thanks for the support. I really needed it this afternoon! This truly does suck!
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
I don't have much to say right now (I know unusual) but just know that we are all here for you. I know this skucks but keep your head on your shoulders(you have a good one) and it will all work out for the best in the end!
It's very typical negotiation tactics. They start very high and continue to haggle until you are satisfied or you have spent all of you money.
I would take what has been offered up, pare it down to what you think is reasonable and go from there. I did this and when I completed the fine tuning, I stated that what I put forth was non-negotiable and that was it.
This is a business deal and you will need to leave your feelings and your heart at the door. You are now dealing with what you and your family will need to survive. The MLCer will go for the gold, but there's one thing in your favor...you are the sane one here and trust me....his lawyer knows he's out to lunch. They see and hear this every day. They know just how much they can bleed from them. So, set the pace for what you would like and do not continue the negotiating until you are broke.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The L did not ASK you H what do you want to do? If he did, he probably didn't listen long.
Then - He said 'list the shared property - because that is what they will do'
Then - He said 'here is what we need to do - because this is what they will do'
And he said 'nothing is personal, just standard procedure'
The L might even have told him 'if you don't protect half the kid's money, there won't be any when they need it'
His L doesn't know you, doesn't plan to. Doesn't represent you, can't. Follows a learned game plan, less effort, less overhead, hand it off to the clerk to type.
I lean toward 'it is easier to give something back after you get it - than to get it after they took it away'
Like they said, this is first round of a multiple. Soak in a tub. Think all the bad things you want, then let them go and replace them with happy thoughts that we won't have to read in the headlines. I've heard it helps to think of shoes on sale.
You think you'd never be able to stay with your husband if he has an affair..he has one and you find you actually CAN forgive him...you imagine going through a divorce..somehow you think you'll never trust again, never be able to get past the hurt and anger that come up..but I'm hoping that is also something I'll be able to overcome.
Just hard to imagine from where I am right now. I really do appreciate everyone's support.
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
