Things are getting interesting... H is putting on the "everything is great" act... and sometimes he seems genuinely nice to me, and sometimes he asks for things and I can tell OW is behind it somehow. He told me he couldn't take the kids on his weekend because he had other plans (I blew up at him for that - he will never do it again). Yesterday I received a jewelry store CC bill at my house for him, it's quite a bit (not quite enough for engagement jewelry though) and it was right after he wanted to get back together... I guess that was his "I'm sorry I was screwing my wife" present :P
His brother and BIL's GF know about the jewelry CC bill now thanks to me, and they are livid - b/c apparently H borrowed money from them to pay me child support (I did not get any extra checks from him). He promised him one of his rifles - but gave a BS excuse why he couldn't give it to them. I imagine he just couldn't part with it, or he decided to pawn it.
H took out a 401K loan (not much, he's not vested) to help get caught up with bills.
He is slightly behind in child support. He owes me at least $3K for house taxes and credit cards that will be included in the divorce settlement.
I let BIL know that the kids and I aren't hurting for money - (H makes almost $40K per year, and he borrowed money from BIL who has a family to take care of and makes about $15K?) I make enough to be able to manage, but I think H needs to be accountable to his old family and decisions at least financially. I told him I'd beat him up if he lends H any more money - it's time to let him hit rock bottom on his own - the sooner he will get his brother back.
Even after getting reamed by me yesterday for having his CC bill sent to my house - H called me this morning to wish me Happy Mother's Day and said "I love you guys" - I thanked him politely and said I'd kiss the girls for him...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So, I haven't posted in a looooooooooooong time. If you can call three months a long time.
I have been proceeding with the divorce process, and the hearing is scheduled for August 4.
Everything has kind of been going a long like usual, and H and I have been "warming up" to each other a bit more. In April it was like the bomb all over again, and we are back to where we text each other once in a while, share jokes, etc. He was even talking about buying me a Kindle (until I told him I bought one of my own). Naturally, I'm always waiting for another shoe to drop - so I went into panic mode when he invited me for coffee today...
He shows up with two black eyes - he fell last night when he was drinking at his nearby bars... He says he is probably an alcoholic and he is going to stop drinking liquor. His shopping list is always "Milk, Eggs, Rum". He thinks he can handle beer, but he doesn't want to drink liquor anymore - well, he WANTS to, and that's all he wants to do, and that's the problem.
The gist of it - he wanted to apologize for everything. He's been a terrible person for the past year plus. He threw away the only thing that really mattered. He says he owes me, the kids, my family, and his family an apology. He doesn't expect anything from me (nor did I offer anything - and I tell you, it is difficult not to jump right in and try to make things "all better").
He is not seeing HW anymore. He has no excuses, no reasons for why he did that. He says he wanted it all, he wanted to have everything, and now he doesn't have anything. I was the one person who was always there for him no matter what, and he threw that away.
He cried. He is going to start counseling. He has a few plans for making his life better.
WTF do I do now?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Listen, I know you filed and I understand your reasons why. However, you have had continued contact with your H, beyond that of coparent…
So I have a question…
Do you really want this D?
Not from a financial or logistical aspect, but from an emotional one…
Is this really the right thing for you? Is this the right thing for your beautiful girls?
If your answer to any of these things is no, or even not sure, then I think you really should take another look…
Your H, he would have a lot of work to do, to make anything close to a M work. And so would you. You would also have to have a ton of patience with him and the situation.
No expectations.
Considering that you have been going on with a R (sort of) with him anyway, is it possible that you postpone the legal aspect of it for a while?
To see if he begins to make the changes that you would need, to see if he really means what he says?
Sweetie, regardless of any outside circumstances, your children, finances, etc…what is it that you REALLY want?
In that you should find your answer…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I'm not sure even I know what I want to do at this point.
From the emotional standpoint, no, I don't think I want the divorce. From the financial and logistical aspect - I think I need it. I need to make sure that we are taken care of.
I can take another look at the idea of reconciliation. I am not ready to date anybody else yet, so that hasn't been an issue. I have nothing but time, and I would love to have my family whole again.
But he did this before - he apologized before - he asked to come home before - and two days later he was back with her. Even though he did/said things that made me believe that he is sincere, I still need some time, and I need to give him time to actually be the person he says he wants to be. I do need to see (without berating and asking him constantly) that he actually regrets what he's done and that he wants to make it better.
It's a bit frustrating to be here again :P I said NEVER AGAIN three months ago. Who told me that "always" and "never" make liars of us all?
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So, it's been a while since I updated, and I have found that my story never seems to fail to disappoint my therapist in its entertainment value...
Several weeks ago I was told that XH and OW were going to couples counseling together. I decided to try to go as dark as possible - amazingly, XH seemed really bothered by that - he came over to watch the girls at the house a few days later b/c I could tell he was in rough shape just because he asked to do that. He is distracted, the next day he doesn't even want to watch them. Promises that she is not in the picture, she only went to one appointment to tell his shrink what an a$$ he is, etc. All he tells me is that karma has come back to him with a vengeance for what he's done. I find out later in the week that he and OW fought back in July, she was the one who gave him the black eyes, and apparently she went out and slept with two mutual friends. Karma is sweet. Although he thought he loved her, she was not really a very good girlfriend, and not really a stable person in general...
Since then, we've actually had a lot more honesty between us, and he is working hard in therapy trying to get himself straightened out. We are NOT working on the relationship between us. Not really in a conscious way. He sees us as wrecked beyond repair (mostly because he wouldn't be able to go out with buddies all the time or anything like that, since the trust is gone), I see him as still too self-centered to be in a relationship with anybody. We do joke around a lot more and we actually sleep together fairly often - which is all about my inability to have boundaries, but I don't see it as working towards an end any more. It's stress relief :P I'm not trying to date right now because I'm enjoying being a ME instead of an US for a while, so I don't see too much of a problem. I figure I'm being supportive and compassionate, which shocks the hell out of him, but honestly I am scared of doing anything bad because karma is powerful
We're divorced now, and it's a relief to have everything down on paper, even if it's hard to get all of the child support he promised because he is constantly broke. At least I know I have legal recourse now.
He drinks a lot, because it is hard for him to deal with what he's done. He is still in the whole "me, me, me" world view - he is lonely, he is broke, he screwed up his life. I try very hard to tell him to act like a dad and pull it together, sometimes politely and sometimes not. It's like he has the knowledge, but not the follow through. Last night was the first time he took the girls for an overnight in six weeks.
I'm not going to say I've completely turned my back on the idea of reconciliation - he still has so much work to do in his therapy... If he ever finds himself where the bigger picture (e.g. the family, the kids) is more important than himself, then maybe I'll be interested. I'm not going to settle for someone whose life revolves around himself. Until then, I'm actually at peace with where I am right now.
Edited to say - I think the point is to say that even if they seem like they're the happiest people in the world when they're in the MLC cloud... XH was running constantly and using whatever he could to avoid the problems inside him that motivated him to do what he did. It seems like he's having a great old time, going out with his buddies and drinking with his girlfriend every night - but you can't run from yourself forever.
Last edited by dmkdmkdmk; 09/20/1012:42 AM.
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
No you can not! The world will come crashing down at some point. All is never the way it seems. The mask slips and all is revealed of what is going on behind the scenes. Hang in there.
Very wonderful post, thank you. I think you sound great and you deserve everything you ask for.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
