He is classic passive aggresive. Even our fist therapist told us that.
He is an iron worker by trade, so he does build stuff. He was going to school to be an engineer, but then changed to become a pilot. His love is flying. However, he has let that go for the last 4 years, which I think has been a huge factor in his crisis.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
You may find some of this useful, particularly the first two - try to read them from both yours and your H's position, its an interesting exercise :
Healing starts from within. Part of the problem in many relationships is that neither partner is willing to take ownership of their mistakes. Dr. Phil tells Chris and Stacy, "If you're going to heal a relationship in a family, it starts with you." He advises the couple to be introspective, and face the personal barriers that have prevented them from moving their marriage forward. Ask yourself: How do you contribute to or contaminate your relationship?
Face your control issues. Dr. Phil tells Stacy that she damages her relationship with Chris because she feels the need to maintain a "death grip" on her marriage. He observed that her control issues stem from a need to protect herself so that she doesn't get hurt. "At times, that goes so far as, 'Get them before they get me,'" he explains. "Trust in others has so much to do with how much confidence and trust we have in ourselves." Often this includes letting go of the need for hypervigilance, and getting real about our fears.
Give yourself credit. We've all had to deal with those negative inner voices that tell us we're not good enough, we'll never be loved or we're not entitled to happiness. He advised Stacy to stop doubting herself, and stay plugged into the positive things she has achieved in her marriage. Despite everything that she's been through in her life, Dr. Phil tells Stacy, "You need to give yourself credit for saying, 'I'm still here.'" Silencing those inner demons requires a change in your perspective.
Understand your history. Many relationships are sabotaged when a partner brings in emotional baggage from past disappointments. In Stacy's case, Dr. Phil discovered that some of her trust issues stemmed from not having had a good relationship with her mother. "Everybody has a way of being in the world," he tells Stacy. "Yours is that you don't trust anybody." Recognize that personal barriers from the past may keep you from plugging in to your relationship.
Behave your way to success. "There's a thin line between 'fake it 'til you make it,' and behaving your way to success," Dr. Phil points out. If you want confidence, you have to take on a confident posture. This can be as simple as putting more confidence in your walk and in your demeanor. If your issue is trust, put yourself in situations where you have to behave in a trusting manner. Real change comes from within.
What's your approach? Dr. Phil reminds us that attitude is all about how you approach things in life. He asks, "Are you being open-minded? Are you considering the things that you may avoid out of fear?" He urges Stacy to take a different approach to communicating with her husband. Instead of yelling at her husband or testing him, Dr. Phil advises Stacy to give herself and her husband credit for their commitment to making the relationship work.
Other than the comment about the destructive partner, this is good stuff too. I think your H would VERY quickly misinterpret that comment about the destructive partner and accuse YOU of being the destructive one and then file with more conviction... this stuff is GOOD, but its dangerous, be very careful what you share with him... read with his eye knowing how he may interpret what's written
Life Law #2: You create your own experience. Strategy: Acknowledge and accept accountability for your life. Understand your role in creating results.
You cannot dodge responsibility for how and why your life is the way it is. If you don't like your job, you are accountable. If you are overweight, you are accountable. If you are not happy, you are accountable. You are creating the situations you are in and the emotions that flow from those situations.
Don't play the role of victim, or use past events to build excuses. It guarantees you no progress, no healing, and no victory. You will never fix a problem by blaming someone else. Whether the cards you've been dealt are good or bad, you're in charge of yourself now.
Every choice you make — including the thoughts you think — has consequences. When you choose the behavior or thought, you choose the consequences. If you choose to stay with a destructive partner, then you choose the consequences of pain and suffering. If you choose thoughts contaminated with anger and bitterness, then you will create an experience of alienation and hostility. When you start choosing the right behavior and thoughts — which will take a lot of discipline — you'll get the right consequences.
I have posted this on another thread, but its worth posting again.
Note : McGraw never mentions infidelity here, but I am 100% confident he would agree that being in an affair is not the time to get a divorce... its time to end the affair so you CAN work on your marriage - and if you want to keep a cover on the affair, refer to OW as destructive "friends"... Again I don't like this tip toe around the affair business, but that's me...
Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:
1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage? 2. Do you have unfinished emotional business? 3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce? 4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children? 5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?
Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.
For more on his first two questions, read on:
Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.
You need to ask yourself:
What was your marriage like when it worked?
When did it go wrong? Why?
Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?
What do you want?
What is it costing you to be in your relationship?
Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?
What are you doing to contaminate the relationship? "You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."
Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.
He's hinting at INFIDELITY above here ^
Ask yourself:
Are you still in love with your spouse? Are you hurt? Are you scared? Are you angry? Are you confused? If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do
Unfortunately, this will be my last post. I found out tonight in therapy that my H has found this site and has read all my posts, printed them out and brought them to therapy. This was supposed to be a therapy session to see if there were ways we could work on fixing our relationship, or so I thought. Instead, he used it to attack me the whole session and to inform me that he will be filing the D papers as soon as he can.
Everyone on here has been a great support system for me during this horrible time in my life. I poured my heart and soul out here and thank you all so much for being here for me. At my lowest times, when I felt no one understood what I was going through, you all did and I will be forever grateful. I love this forum, and felt like it was my own personal diary, but with added bonus of having others that were going through the same thing.
I am in a good place now, and I am ready to move on with my life. Even though I am not one of the success stories for saving my marriage. I feel like I tried everything I could and I will be able to look my children in the eye and say I tried EVERYTHING!!!!!!! They are the biggest losers in this whole mess. My kids deserve to have a whole family that is together and that has been and will be the hardest part.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
You don't have the cajones to confront the truth do you? You got caught with your hand in the cookie jar and is now looking to destroy your W and your kids.
I dare you to post your side of the story. If not, well I guess you can lift up your skirts and go running back into the hole you crawled up from.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You never said anything wrong or evil here. Hold your head high. How would he feel if you recorded his therapy sessions and used them to attack him? I am sorry. All the best to you.
"If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!" 1st thread
