for all of you with spouses who've dropped the bomb...how long do the WAS usually stay in your home before finding a place of their own? my H dropped the bomb on 1/6 and is already apartment hunting this afternoon for his own place.
i am doing my best...went out with friends last night and had fun but most of the time felt like my smile was glued on and if i let it slide off, someone would see how truly miserable i was. h slept on the couch last night. came home drunk the night before and fell asleep in the bed with me (but apologized profusely the next day). i can't read his signals. he is apartment hunting but he looks at me with tears in his eyes. he doesn't want to work on our marriage but he goes out of his way to ask if i need anything from him.
i wished him luck with apartment hunting when he went out this morning and mentioned looking for a place of my own...neither of us have any ill will towards the other, but he's built a wall around his heart that i can't get over to make him see what a terrible choice it is to end this.
Me30 H29 M2.5 T5 H moved out 1/23/2010 H wants signed agreement 3/30/2010 ...feeling hopeless
for all of you with spouses who've dropped the bomb...how long do the WAS usually stay in your home before finding a place of their own? my H dropped the bomb on 1/6 and is already apartment hunting this afternoon for his own place.
SInce you ask, my STBXW took 3 1/2 weeks.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
...but most of the time felt like my smile was glued on and if i let it slide off, someone would see how truly miserable i was.
A skill we all learn early on. It's tough sometimes but serves us well both in the moment and over time.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
i can't read his signals. he is apartment hunting but he looks at me with tears in his eyes. he doesn't want to work on our marriage but he goes out of his way to ask if i need anything from him.
He's conflicted. Or feeling guilty. Either may work to your advantage, ultimately.
Originally Posted By: trytryagain
but he's built a wall around his heart that i can't get over to make him see what a terrible choice it is to end this.
"...For when love dies, it is not in a moment of angry battle, nor when fiery bodies lose their heat. It lies panting, exhausted, expiring at the bottom of a wall it could not scale."
Richard A. McCray
Unfortunately, you cannot scale his wall; only he can let it down.
Good luck,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
I never did move out. A couple times, my W said I had to go or she would, but I didn't. I moved to a room in the house and stayed there. Why?
- Moving out says I'm hopeless. - Moving out means seeing you is too painful. - Moving out means that the kids are involved. - Moving out costs money; I'd rather use it to give the M a chance - etc, etc.
Why should I have left? - Everyone thinks I should have moved out - I can't completely imagine life without her while she's there - I can miss her, but I/she might end off resenting decisions made, movies watched, etc. - W felt that I was having a good time when she was watching the kids - I didn't practise with any of the stresses of being a single, divorced parent.
Still, I'm happy to have stayed. Your H might have many reasons to leave, social pressure being one of them.
Did you ask him why he felt it was so important to leave right away? Did you let him feel comfortable staying in a room privately to sort out thoughts?
My MC reminded me that as a Canadian, we value independence. Maybe he just needs some time to stretch - as long as he doesn't get into any EA or PA situations...? Why not ask him what he wants?
