I will definitely check it out. I called the community closest and am awaiting a call back.I will have to see when the soonest one is.
Thanks for the advice on how to handle those comments.
WhatdidIdo I completely agree with your views on marriage. She has said the only reason she married me was because she felt guilty about us living together at the time...But that is also something she only recently said so I will take your approach on it. I read over the four stages of marriage and it looks like good stuff. The only thing is if she is willing to go and actually go with an open mind. Is it geared for couples where only one spouse is sure they want it to work out? Also even though they were talking and "friends" ( even after he professed his love to her against what I asked) she says that it is not an affair because she did not allow her feelings to go to him until after she said she wanted a divorce. Any ideas on that because when I cut off the internet I have a feeling it is going to get pretty ugly. Her communication will most likely shut down at that point and it has just opened up. Should I speak with her dad before I do this so he knows why and around when she will try to go back to her parents. Most likely he would not let her.
Also since she had said she would not be pursuing a R with OM because she needs time to work on herself would this be a good reason as well to use shutting off the internet?
I am starting to grasp them. I am constantly at war with my emotions. Only thing I think helps me keep them in check is having been in scary situations in combat. Learned how to suck myself up and do what I have to do ya know?
I am finding my strength again...Do not know how I lost it but I will not let anything or ANYONE take it away again. All of this is for me. I am getting some things now. You know she may not like my boundaries this week but they will be respected in my home. I am not going to be a doormat anymore. I will enact the carrot and the stick of plan A. I do love her but I also have to love myself first.
well my friend. You are further ahead than most of us. Please take some time to check out marriagebuilders and their section for members of the service.
Take Care.
And I am going to recommend you start another thread in the newcomers section. Just to help with your upcoming 2 weeks....
You can keep this one to post updates... But use the other one to work yourself during those days.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Well, I believe today is the day you go home. I'm sure you are nervous and full of emotion. One thing I notice about the forums here is you get a lot of differing opinions on what and how to do things. Obviously, they are based upon each and every person's situations. Please make sure to think through YOUR situation and listen to everyone's opinion, but do what you believe, deep down in your heart is the right thing to do. Only YOU will have to live with your decisions. Not us.
Many times the approach is to get a "screw them" attitude toward the spouse and to draw the line and only work on yourself. Working on yourself is sooo important, but I think losing sight of your emotions toward your spouse is wrong. To stop thinking about what they are thinking and feeling is wrong. Trying to understand where they are coming from, however altered, is important for recovery. Most of the people on the site, whose marriages have been restored, did this.
Ok, let me try to answer some questions you asked me and statements you made. The things she says now about your marriage are not necessarily the truth- this is what people refer to as rewriting history. I did this. I took everything in my marriage and blew it up 100x negatively. It helps make the affair ok in our minds...I wasn't consciously doing this, I just did.
Retrouvaille. Most of the time, when couples go, one is more open minded to working it out than the other.
How she feels about the fact that it wasn't an "affair" because she didn't let her feelings go until after is typical thinking of someone having an affair and trying to make it "ok". Relationships don't just happen...they build....She laid the foundation as she was becoming "friends". The book, "Not just Friends" explains this.
It will get ugly when/if you cut the internet. Make sure you have proof, and give her the option to keep the internet but give you all of the passwords and access to what she is doing. You can explain that you will need this to build the trust back up. You will explain that you do not want to be the man that enabled his wife's affair. Explain again that you are fighting for your marriage and the wife you love. Keep her family out of it if you can. Do this first, see what happens, and go from there. If you have proof, there is no rush to get to her father first. You also may find that family tends to stick together no matter what. Her father may end up not being an ally. Yes, you can talk to her about the fact that she said she needs time to work on herself and that not sitting on the computer all of the time should help that.
Good luck today. I'm praying for you and your wife.
Well I got home yesterday and we had a long talk...OM called yesterday morning teling me not to go home she loves nim and various other things that related to their personal conversations. He then called back 20 min later saying if I mention any of this he will hunt me down and leave peices of me in the backwoods. I called the police and filed for a warrant. I then confronted my wife about it, showed her the phone records, and explained what was said. Upon further investigation it turns out the calls were made from a prepaid phone with only the last digit of the phne number being different fron OM's. Also the 2nd call came when she was on phone with OM. DO not know how he did this but she is saying she is not sure who to believe. ANy ideas on how this was done? He is denying everything.
She is still adamant in telling me it is over even though I am not bringing up R talks. I have just been lovingly telling her I see things differently. SHe is planning on moving back to her parents around the middle of Feb. The only saving grace in this is my job is 30 from her parents so I will have to relocate out of state as well when she goes because I will not be able to keep the house up here alone. She is asking me to stay in contact with her still. I now have proof of EA but apparantly EA is a little frustrated too because she keeps bouncing back and forth from she loves him to she has to get her head on straight before she is with anyone.
Can you prove the she was talking to OM when the call came through? Or was this just her word? I am thinking that if you have 2 phones, you can dial on one phone and the other person answers and will have to end the call with you to answer the other call.
Also, I am sooo sorry to tell you this, but one if the #1 reasons that someone wants "space" is to keep a relationship with someone else going on.
At least the OM is threatened...and good job getting the police involved with his pathetic threat. I guess being threatened means he senses that your W still loves you.
I think the vets here will give you some good advice on how to proceed next but the classic "no contact/last resort technique" might be in order.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Just wanted to stop in and let everyone know that things have turned around...About a week ago she called me on my way home from work and said that she wanted to work on saving our marraige, I asked about OM and she had already let him go...I have passswords, voicemail passwords everything and she has been true to what she said...SHe is really trying too. SHe realizes that even though I did things wrong as well that the EA did some damage and we are both really trying. WE are going to Retrouvaille here very soon. In the end what worked was changing me. I did not bust out the affair...I just concentrated on me and let him screw up. Thanks so muh everyone. I am always indebted...I will continue to be a part of this board not only for myself but as support for all of you as well. I am not so foolish to think we are out of the woods yet but now I believe we can get there.
