H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[davidswife]

What you're feeling is perfectly normal. With your illness, can you try to put all your energy into getting better? You're health is compromised, that needs to be addressed first.

You need to take care of YOU, rest, fluids, etc.

Many of us have been where you are, and know exactly the living he!! you're going through. That's why we can help you, if you decide to let us.

Please try to put him out of your mind for now, and get some rest.

[pollyanna]

I know that it seems impossible to put this out of your mind. your life is upside down and inside out. You have to ride this process out.

Know for 100 % surety though that you will get through it. At what cost to yourself is up to you. Your not well at the moment and your body is in shock. Take whatever help is out there . i mean that in friends, family and medication. Talk talk and talk some more until your ready to look at other coping strategies.

We have all been there and we all feel your pain.

We can all be here to help you with each crazy stage and there will be many.

[Awoken]

Whatever you do, don't confront him with what you suspect!

Whatever you do, don't confront him with what you suspect!

Whatever you do, don't confront him with what you suspect!

[Awoken]

Whatever you do, don't confront him with what you suspect!

First, you need to be concentrating on you right now.

Second, you only have ONE chance to confront, and you want to do it with a plan, and with as much knowledge as possible. You do NOT want him to know how you know. You do not want your daughter in the middle. Do you want to tell him that she told you about it?

I didn't get to the forums until 2 weeks after my W dropped the bomb, and I confronted my W the first time I found a suspicious email. She denied everything, and them proceeded to completely remove my access to anything. I have a ton of circumstantial evidence, but nothing that proves her affair.

This is hard, but you need to wait on this. Read PuppyDogTails posts about this topic!

Hang in there, take care of yourself!

[mb28]

Flowmom,
I agree with Awoken about holding off on confronting him about OW. I made the mistake of confronting my H as soon as I found the littlest hint of an EA and I lost access to everything. If I had held out, I probably would have ended up with the proof. My H still denies that there is an OW, but I’m very suspicious. Moreover, this has been the hardest thing for me to let go. A part of me wants to know so badly, and I feel like I would know what I’m up against if I did. Nevertheless, each day it is getting easier to tell myself that if there is OW, it’s out of my control. However, if your H is having an affair, it should not be brought around your children. I’m not sure how to handle that one, sense you’ve already told him that you didn’t want anyone else around the kids.

You really do need to try to take care of yourself. Being sick like that is not going to help you or your children, try to get better and only focus on that right now. I know this is easier said than done, I’m having a hard time with this one too. I do know that this pain will go away, and you will be ok.

[CityGirl]

I agree. Do not say a thing to him. He will lie.

I knew about my husbands affair for five months before I confronted him. I had it ALL - phone/text records, bank records and many, many e-mails from his "friends" that told me ALL I needed to know. And none of it was wrong, it was all true.

I am not sure why exactly and pardon me if I am off base but I get the feeling you and I live in the same state as you spoke of owning an apartment. Trust me, if things get messy legally you will want to handle the affair in the BEST way. If you and your husband do reconcile the affair needs to be handled very carefully.

[sandi2]

I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

[flowmom]

So H is taking the kids to pick up his father at the airport (he lives far away). H looked reeeeaaaallly unhappy this morning. He said that this visit just adds to the stress in his life right now and I agree. H's parents are loving and mean well, but H is atheistic and his parents are very religious so a lot of the tools and beliefs that have served H's parents well are not right for H. H's father really screwed up when H phoned him for support right before he moved out. Instead of listening to his son, H's father starting dumping on H about some marital tiff that he was having with H's mother . Many of the men that H has reached out to have really not been there for him...I find it so sad and disappointing. I know that H wants to sort out his feelings right now, and he is worried that he can't do that when the focus is on an out-of-town visiting parent. I guess he will use the children to avoid "deep conversations" this morning.

[flowmom]

With your illness, can you try to put all your energy into getting better? You're health is compromised, that needs to be addressed first.

I'm trying. It's hard because my children are horrible sleepers and my 3 yo is waking up a lot and coming into my bed and getting up early and screaming (more than usual). My 6 yo is also getting up early too. I'm seeing the Dr. again this afternoon. The antibiotics don't seem to have dealt with the problem. But I think that pneumonia basically takes a long time to recover from and insomnia and wakeful children and insomnia don't help.

We have all been there and we all feel your pain.

We can all be here to help you with each crazy stage and there will be many.

You don't know how much the support from forum members means to me. I don't know anyone in real life who understands where I'm coming from right now. My friends and family want me to be mad at H and accept The End ASAP.

Whatever you do, don't confront him with what you suspect!

OK. I will not. It makes sense. I don't really have a way of checking up on him. We've generally been pretty independent in our relationship. H had an affair 12 years ago before we were married (in response to a very rough patch in our R when I was depressed), but it was very brief and we patched things over and I went back to trusting him.

However, if your H is having an affair, it should not be brought around your children. I’m not sure how to handle that one, sense you’ve already told him that you didn’t want anyone else around the kids.

I feel a bit ill about it, but I guess that's yet another area that I can't control. I could see him subconsciously using the kids to look good to other women because the kids really bring out his fun and playful side -- women gush to me about what a great dad he is and I think he "shows off" a bit.

I am not sure why exactly and pardon me if I am off base but I get the feeling you and I live in the same state as you spoke of owning an apartment.

I live in Canada

sandi, that is a great summary. I think I've been doing everything on that list (maybe with the exception of one discussion) for the 15 days since H moved out. But I know I have a long haul ahead of me.

[flowmom]

CityGirl was kind enough to comment on my idea of putting a bandaid on our financial situation...can anyone else weigh in, esp the breadwinning dads out there?

Also, I had a coaching session with Dotty a week ago. Any thoughts on what would be the best timing for my second session? She recommended a week or two after the last one, but I'm thinking that might be too soon to get the max benefit in my sitch? There has been some positive in the last week (H confiding a bit more) but really not much new. She had some helpful input, but the session went sooo fast and there was so much background to cover. I don't want to spend the second session just getting the advice to "keep the course" and keep doing the stuff that all of you have been encouraging me to do.