H suddenly moved out 10 days ago...I'm devastated

[sandi2]

I held it together but it does feel really counterintuitive to not fight for what I want.

Okay, then what would be your plan of fighting for what you wanted?

[CityGirl]

It is a terribly foreign feeling to implement counter intuitive behaviors when dealing with a WAS.

While it had no bearing on my situation as far as the outcome I will never forget this moment and when doing counter intuitive things felt wrong I tried to remember this:

My H stayed in our home five weeks after he dropped the bomb. He then moved out under totally false pretenses. A few weeks later he came over and told me divorce was his only option. I sat there, listened to him, told him he was right - I agreed a divorce was best and and let him know I would leave the filing up to him and would respond with legal counsel upon receipt of the paperwork. I did not cry or yell. In fact, I said this all in a very calm and rational tone (inside I wanted to beat him senseless, lol!). He sat there, looked at me and started sobbing. I did nothing. He sobbed for a few minutes then get SO mad at me said "this is NOT the reaction I wanted or expected".

So basically you cheat on me, dump me, move without telling me, ignore me for a month, tell me every time we speak that you never will love me again, you can't stand me, you hated every second of being married to me, we are not meant to be and nothing will change your mind, you are not attracted to me and never have been, divorce is your only option, you found somebody better and <insert typical WAS script here> then get ANGRY when I say.. ok, no problem?

I sat there and let him sob for a minute then calmly said he better go (as in leave my house) and he sat there for a minute longer. I went to the kitchen and started making my dinner and he got furious and said "I guess I don't need to eat" and stomped out. LOL!

Sure babe, I will be happy to cook you dinner after you inform me we are getting divorced. No problem!

I kid you not, the very next day my phone rang and he told me he was having a very bad day at work and he needed me to "talk him down" or he was going to lose it. I ended that call. After work that night he called.. could he come over to give me some Starbucks gift cards a vendor gave him? I said sure. When he came over I was dressed to the nines and rushed him along. He did not like this. He then said TO MY DOG "I guess your mommy wants me out so she can go out". YUP!

I walked out with him, got in my car and left. For three days after that he sent me pissy e-mails about where I was, who I was with and so on.

You (general you) are doing what they ask... you are letting them go because they don't want to be married anymore. Sometimes it shocks them into rethinking that choice, sometimes not. Either way it's better than sitting around feeling like crap!

[flowmom]

You (general you) are doing what they ask... you are letting them go because they don't want to be married anymore. Sometimes it shocks them into rethinking that choice, sometimes not. Either way it's better than sitting around feeling like crap!

It feels like gambling to not wear my heart on my sleeve, but I also see the rationale of not pushing H away with pursuing him -- it's clear that won't work right now. Being consistently nice and avoiding conflict is a 180 for me. Not pursuing is a 180 for me too. And GAL is necessary too.

I held it together but it does feel really counterintuitive to not fight for what I want.

Okay, then what would be your plan of fighting for what you wanted?

In the past, I've reeled H back into our marriage with heartfelt "pep talks": "it's tough now but we'll get through this, etc.". But in retrospect the underlying issues weren't really addressed. It's not that I did nothing, but I don't think that I did the right things. I really wish that I had had access to solution-oriented support during that time.

This is the letter that I won't give to H right now:

I know that you're in a lot of pain right now, and that our marriage feels really unsafe for you. Please take 2 months to get some space, then move back in and give our marriage 6 months. We deserve another chance, and our children deserve that we try. You've heard me say that I'm trying really hard and that I've done my best to address your issues. The truth is, though, is that I got discouraged and gave up on some things. With the threat of losing everything we've worked for looming over my head, I see now that there are specific actions I can take that will create a more positive, harmonious marriage where there is more room for collaboration, fun, and intimacy. I haven't accepted all of you and I see more clearly ways that I've undermined you by my criticism, often indirectly by expressing contempt for your job, business, and hobby. I see now that refusing to accept you risks costing me the most important relationship of my life -- one that I would not intentionally jeopardize. If you open the door just a little to us, I want the chance to make adjustments to our family life so that there is more balance and less pressure on you. I'm not asking you to stay in an unhappy marriage, I'm asking for the chance to try something different with the goal of our both achieving happiness. We have so much to lose and a lot to gain here. If you decide that there is no hope for happiness in this marriage after giving it a Last Chance, then I'll do my best to accept it. But I can't accept our M being over right now.

[flowmom]

OK, this is the post that I need to read every day.

[flowmom]

Ugh. First possible indication of OW. H took our children to go to his martial art class (martial arts is a major major obsession of H's). D comes back talking about "a girl in a pink suit" who is pretty and who is a friend of H's. I asked D how she knew that they are friends and she said "they were talking a lot". Unfortunately I have no clue about who this would be and no easy way of finding out.

What do I do? Should I ask him about this?

A week ago I had asked that my children have no contact with any person that he dates without discussing it with me first. He looked shocked when I said that and asked to think about it for a few days, but he never followed up on it.

[davidswife]

If you ask him, he'll lie - guaranteed.

Can you sit on this info and try to find out more? Can you afford a PI? Do you have access to his cell phone records?

I'm sorry, I know it hurts. But you can handle it.

[flowmom]

I guess I can sit on the info, but I'm worried that it will drive me nuts. A PI...hadn't thought of that. I don't access to his cell phone records, his email, or even most of his acquaintances.

[flowmom]

Don't I have a right to know what my children are being exposed to? I feel really uncomfortable with my children being part of infidelity, or even flirtation. His focus is supposed to be on them when he is taking care of them.

[davidswife]

Of course you have the right to know, but if you confront him, he'll just lie, and you still won't know. And you'll have tipped your hand that you're suspicious.

I know it's not easy to be counter-intuitive, but it's do-able.

You have to decide for yourself, but there is an advantage to waiting to find out more before you confront him.

You can't control where his focus is, ever. That's not your call.

Focus on what YOU can control.

You can do this, we're here to help you.

[flowmom]

Thanks davidswife. I guess I'm still in denial and can't believe this is happening to me. Every time I wake up I remember, and feel the punch in the gut. I need to get more grounded. I am so sick of having pneumonia. It's hard to be the best me I can when this illness is dragging me down.