"...And you are?" Names after the Divorce

[Gypsy]

Now what the heck do we call everyone after the divorce?

I remember watching the soaring towers aflame then falling on 9/11 sending a tsunami of debris violently billowing through the skyscraper canyons. And re watching. And watching some more. Horrified. I forced myself to turn off the TV and do... something.

I went to a warehouse store and bought supplies in case of an emergency. I went to the bank and withdrew a substantial sum of money, in case of the financial system crashing. I didn't want to see more than I had, to have the images burned into my soul to the point where I was tortured. Where the attack continued ad infinitum within me.

Protect myself. Protect my family. Do what I could for good.

And that's kinda what I did with the revelation of his affair. I tried to focus my anger at HIM although I beat myself up alot in the process. She was the symptom. I called her the paramour, companion, the woman he dated during our marriage, his significant other. Now she's the wife.

I feel that if I put a lot of energy into her, that distracts from the real issue. Me and that that guy I was married to, the father of my children.

"The bitch, skank, slut who stole my husband, ruined my family and should burn in hell." Well.. even thinking that stuff would always increase the anger I felt. And additional anger did me not good. So I chose not to do it, not to say it, not to write it for my own wellbeing.

It hurt but was not surprising that he quickly remarried. What hurt the most was that my then 18 year old son felt he should tell me when his father refused. It took a lot for my son to do that, step up.. courageous.

Now granted, I grew up in a hateful situation where having to accept the deplorable was part of my MO. And I'd been living a life of underlying fear and hatred whose presence and strength I didn't realize until Bill left. And I knew I didn't want to have that on a go forward basis. Half of a century was enough.

So.. for me, she's his wife. He's Bill or 'the former spouse'. Writing 'ex spouse' would annoy me, too. Writing 'my' in front of either seemed counter productive. Why would I want to claim ownership/affiliation on something that was no longer?

I can only figure that.. the more it hurts, the more blame is needed. The more blame, the greater the sense of victimization. And that works for either side of the track. Healing takes time, letting go takes time. Grieving takes time. And oddly enough, time does ease all wounds.. it just up to the individual on how well they'll heal.

*hugs*

So coming up on my one year anniversary of the divorce, I can now refer to him as Bill, or 'the former spouse'.. a somewhat sterile appellation. I don't care about her, she's not part of my life nor need she be.

What I do care about is me, my kids.. and getting to be in the best place possible.

[smith18]

How about more along the Prince line of naming?..."The guy formerly known as my husband".
How about an unpronounceable symbol?
How about picking a noun from the Vulcan dictionary?
Assign him a number (irrational would be most fitting)?

Given that we have determined that he is an a$$hole....I would think this symbol would be the best representation: *

[sandycay]

I pick the number 3.14 as in Pi as in shut your PI hole or he's a PI hole.... I'm just kidding but that was a beautiful post Gypsy.

As long as he doesn't call me his wife... I'm good.

[cat03]

i too abhor the "my" usage, so I always say "the ex" or "the kids' dad" wife is too much of a good word for his W, so I usually say his S... not because I feel any jelousy or attachment towards him... because what they have is a joke... he is trying to divorce this woman after three months...but that's another story...

It really helped me detach when I changed his profile on my phone, it now has an X as his name and the picture of a big mouthed frog... It made me even laugh sometimes when he'd called and I'd see the pict...

[goldeylox]

I've started thinking of mine as King Herod.
Or, the Tool Man.
Tool for short.
Maybe I need to work on that anger thing a little more.

[hoosiermama]

I usually call mine "the x" or just by his name. However, I kinda like "the guy formerly known as my husband"! Too bad there's not an acronym that encompasses "weak narcissistic hypocritical adulterous priesthood candidate."

As for her--sometimes she's known as "the witch" because she is, actually, or "Wicca Woman." I'm having difficulty calling her GF; to me, that would belong to someone who came along after the marriage ended. Someone who knowingly and willingly initiated adultery with a man who has a child, contributed hugely to destroying a family and continues to do damage to my D13, isn't adequately described by such a benign term.

[john210]

hey Gyps, as usual great prose.....

I am a little concerned lately on the amount of energy and though that is going into the exes or whatever you guys want to call them. Also soem are spending an inordinate amount of time on the new "friends" in their lives (or the new old friends). I understand that this is a forum to vent and to perhaps receive some advice or support. However, when we give them so much space in our minds, we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. I am no expert but recently I have suggested that BBJ take a look at a website "getting past your past". I read it once in a while. I think it may help you as well. I may be out in left field here but since you are coming up on your 1st anniversary of your divorce, it may be time to make a consciuous effort to put your past where it belongs.....behind you.

[Gypsy]

Oh yes, Ms. HM..

But the spouse is the one who went there.. and chose to stay there.

It's easier to be angrier at the outsider, rather than the one you love.

While in high school, our oldest son gave the security code without our knowledge to his friends to use the house while we were away as a family for two weeks on vacation. I was appalled and felt violated when it was obvious someone had been there. We assumed that they broke in and called the police. My son admitted to giving the code to two kids when asked by the detectives. It blew me away.

I called the kids 'the miscreants'. His friends had unsavory behaviors too. I kept wondering why it was so easy for me to be furious at those kids.. but not my son. I knew the majority of the blame was on him.. and the spouse and I for the situation created. It took me months to even feel a glimmer of anger at my son.

Denial.. protection.. who knows.

But when a deep hurt occurs it's easier to blame the knife rather than the hand that wields it.

*hugs*

[hoosiermama]

xH is not "the one I love." He is, however, the father of my daughter--who I DO love. Yes, it was he who pursued the woman--and when she said "yes, but I don't do affairs" our marriage was over in 2 days (well, plus the time for all the legal stuff to transpire). I have absolutely no respect for either of them, and I have to watch D13 struggle to deal with the denial, hypocrisy and undesired restructuring of her life.

I can't say I spend a lot of time or energy on anger; however, I am aware it's there. It doesn't feel like it takes up a lot of space in my life. I use this as a forum to vent, so that I'm not stuffing it and having it burst out around my daughter. I don't have a lot of folks in real life I can vent to--this is about it for me.

[Gardener]

G-Woman.
As always, an excellent, thought-provoking and brave, revealing post from the Queen of same.

Given that we have determined that he is an a$$hole....I would think this symbol would be the best representation: *

As long as he doesn't call me his wife... I'm good.

It really helped me detach when I changed his profile on my phone, it now has an X as his name and the picture of a big mouthed frog...

Tool for short.
Maybe I need to work on that anger thing a little more.

Too bad there's not an acronym that encompasses "weak narcissistic hypocritical adulterous priesthood candidate.

You people are all just too funny!

I opt simply for her first name, Janet. That's who she's always been, who she was when I met her, and that's all she is now.

However, I still admit to some lingering displeasure over her choosing to keep the Gardener surname, because she liked neither her maiden name nor her first married name, and "is known now professionally as Gardener." Or does that displeasure reveal some hitherto-unknown chauvinism within the Gardener Man hisself?

Also, I'm no friggin' good to be associated with (to say the least) anymore, but my name is?

G-Woman, how about simply, "(new wife's name's) husband"?