Well here is my story...sorry but I think it is going to be a long one. My H works in the next county as a school admin. In Aug I rec'd a call from the 911 dispatch in that county wanting to know why a truck registered in our name was parked at a roadside park alittle ways back in the woods. My H was supposed to be at school then on his way to a board meeting. I tried to call him but of course he didn't answer. When he finally called back I was on my way up there with my D (A-29)who lived w/ us because I was too upset to drive myself. He said he was still at school. I asked him if he could explain why 911 would call me about his truck being parked at the roadside park and he stated he couldn't explain. What he finally came up w/ was that someone owed him $ and he went there to collect it. A week later I asked the person who he said owed him the money and of course he thought I was crazy. Then my H stated that the real reason was that he had been so stressed at work that he has started using cocaine as a stress reliever and he was giving his dealer $ that he owed him. I knew it was a lie but I didn't press him too much. He swore he hadn't used anything since July and he even wanted me to go buy a drug test kit which was very embarrassing, so I could have him test anytime I wanted. I knew he was lying, a lot of things didn't make sense like a school admin using coke as a stress reliever. Well in Nov after my D made a comment that her dad is always on his cell phone I got into his online phone bill. There were 30, 40, 50, and sometimes ever 60 back and forth text messages and phone calls. I called the cell # and did a reverse look up on the phone #...it was to a teacher (whom I have met and talked to on numerous occasions) who is married and has 2 kids. He denied that it is anything other then platonic and that she is easier to talk to then me. Well he had an affair 20 yrs ago and he said that one was platonic too. He finally told me he hasn't been happy for 3 yrs which has now changed to 5 yrs and that he wants out. She is in no way influencing his decision or so he says. He has admitted that he was never doing cocaine and that he met her on that day and they just drove around and this "platonic" R has been only going on since Aug. He told me that he has been trying to give my subtle hints about his unhappiness but I haven't got the clues. The reasons he wants out are the sex hasn't been there, the communication is not there(how can it be...he spends too much time communicating w/ OW)and we don't do anything together (even though I have been begging him to go away for the weekend for months)he even brought up the fact that when we go to the video store I never chose a video he wants to watch. He has gone from blaming him--I deserve better, to blaming me for every little things, back to blamin himself again-why would I want to stay with him after all he put me through. Where we are now: He has moved into the other bedroom X3d. He doesn't want a D just a Legal Sep to keep me on his insurance. he wants to co-habitate as long as possible for financial reasons. He makes 3x as much as I do and He says he will pay the house payment and all the utilities for the next 15 yrs and has told both our kids(A-29 and 25)that they will still have their home to come to, unless we both agree to sell the house if the market gets better. He has agreed to make my car payment until it is paid off (I just got a new 2010 malibu with a 72 month loan)and has agreed to pay my life insurance and my car insurance leaving me with only my cell phone bill and my retirement plan. All this is only verbal right know. He says he will pay the $1500 retainer fee for the lawyer and thinks if we have everything agreed upon before hand then we should both be able to use the same lawyer...which my lawyer has agreed to if my H understand that he is my lawyer and is looking out for my best interest. So any comments?...on the deal w/ the house and cohabitating (his father who has alzhiemers lives w/ us also. Also I have not notified the OW H ( I got a call from the 1st affair's H 20 yrs ago)and am thinking about doing so. I don't know if OW H's has a clue. I think they are still married but my H says he doesn't know if they are splitting up. I feel like my H is having his cake and eating it too becuz he has it so easy and hasn't had to pay any consequences for his actions and neither has the OW. Anyone else out there contacts the OW/OM's spouse and how did it go? Well there is more to the story but I will safe that for another post. Thanks.
I'm sorry you have a need to be here, but I'm glad you found this place with so many good people to help.
You named your thread "I must be crazy"? No, you are not crazy.
As soon as you can, get a copy of "The Divorce Remedy" and read it. It will really help, along with participation here in the forum. Read as many threads as you can. The veterans here may have already answered some of your questions in detail. I really wished I had done more reading when I first got here!
It does sound like your H is trying to call all the shots. I'm no L, but if he makes 3x your salary, then he still stands a chance of paying spousal support. It sounds like you already have a lawyer, right?
As to your question about exposing the affair to the OW's husband, hopefully one of the vets will post their ideas about it.
Hang in there.
M:42|W:40|D:17|S:13|Bomb:10/23/09 Awoken's Current Thread
Sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place.
I am not a vet, I am the H of WAW in an A and can tell you that the OMW has been a great source of support and info. You should,IMO, get your ducks in a row and talk to her. That's my opinion.
My next advice is this -there are VERY good Veterans and good hearted rookies going thru the same thing on here, give them a little time to chime in and listen to what they offer.
Your in the right place for advice and help.
M43 W43 D11 S7 M18 T20 WAW is back & trying (no she was lying) Close to callin' it busted but.... watching Whatever the outcome - It was a choice.
Thanks to all so far for your words of encouragement. It helps to know that I have people to go to for help. I found this site by accident but I believe I found it for a reason. Thanks again.
How would you tell the OW"s H? registered letter or a phone call? Any any words of wisdom on what to say? Has anyone had negative reactions or consequences?
I picked up both The Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting Books. Thanks
You need to assert a boundry around this A. Does he work in administration in the same school system as the teacher? If so, exposure of the A is a powerful weapon. Seek the words of Puppy Dog Tails and Coach on formulating, expressing and enforcing your boundry.
Yes she works as a teacher in the same school...technically he is her immediate boss. I need to look for his contract to see if fraternizing (if that is the right word) is grounds for dismisal on his part. Last thing I want to do is cause him to lose his job. I'd be screwing myself in the end, if that happened. And thanks I will read the thread on the boundry issue.
So 1 of the reasons my H wants out is the lack of sex. He was so jealous in the earlier years of our maariage...I couldn't even smile at another man w/out his thinking I was screwing him. I realize I must have built some form of barrier. I was afraid to do anything new or try anything new cuz I thought he would accuse me. Even after he got over being so jealous, the barrier still existed. Then he had an assumed affair while he was going to school for his Bachelor's. The OW H called me. I forgave him and we started working on our marriage. That was probably 1990 or 1991.
Just to give a little of my past...In 1994 I started a new job. I worked long hours. But we were having a house built and this job was helping to pay the bills. I worked for a man who was very good at seduction (and I am not using that as an excuse I take full responsibility. He got me and others in our office caught up in his chaos and his life. It was at a time in my life (1996) when my H acted like he cared for everything else more then me. The PA started and it was not what I thought it would be--it was very 1 sided and the guilt...well I tried to end it and he (my boss)started w/ the threats...I will tell your H, you will lose you house, your kids etc. He knew exactly what to say to keep me trapped. I think it lasted not quite a year. The day I stood up to him and told him to fire me and tell my H was a victorious day for me. The PA ended but the verbal abuse got worse. My boss blamed me for everything that happened in his life. Looking back I feel like I was brainwashed and I now know I should have left but we were in over our heads finacially and I couldn't find another job that paid as much (we ended up filing bankruptcy in 1999). I could have sued but didn't want to deal w/ it in court. 5 1/2 yrs ago I left that horrible situation...things happen for a reason and maybe that situation happened to give me the courage to stand up for myself...I don't know.
Now back to the present. It wasn't until my H stated he wanted out of our M that the sex barrier came down. I no longer cared about his reactions. I did what I thought would make me feel better, sexier, and wanted. We started communicating. He always suspected my affair and I finally didn't denied it(if we were going to start over I didn't want the fear of it hanging over my head any longer)and He finally told me that he had sexual intercourse w/ his first affair. It got us talking about what we wanted sexually. As sick as it sounds we had the best sex that we ever had. I wasn't afraid to try new things. I also wanted to show him that the sex could be great. And it was for weeks. Now his excuse for not trying to repair our M is that he just can't get over the fact that I had sex w/ another man even though he told me he wanted out before I confirmed my affair of 14 yrs ago.
We hadn't had sex in 9 days and today we were talking about sexual things and had sex. He had no problems what so ever. But it was only physical and although it was satisfing that way...the intimancy wasn't there. Now I feel like I cheated myself somehow. I just can't have a physical only relationship...I need the intimancy. Am I making this harder on myself my cohabitating w/ him. II guess I am just really confused about what I feel and what I want and should be doing and I know I need to set some boundries but I don't know how to start.
