eh, I went back and read your more detailed situation. it's possible that she is not in an affair right now. It's probable that she WAS in one, and is now in recovery from it.
the question is, is she going to transition from "having an affair, to being single", or from "having an affair, to being married again" ?
In my opinion, you should show her that you can be there for her, in the way that she needs you to be. That would be: in the house, silently, maybe taking care of little things without asking, staying out of her way, and without talking about your relationship, unless she starts it.
This requires you to put yourself aside, and think of her, continuously, for weeks.
if you dont think you could do that right now... then you need to work on yourself to get to that point. Because that's what marriage calls for: being able to set yourself aside for a time, for the benefit of the other person. If you cant do it, then you arent ready for a recovery of your marriage yet, so merely "being apart" is not going to improve things.
Do you agree with that?
She didnt have an affair but she did date a guy on the 3rd month of our separation.
Regarding moving back in the house, that wont work. She doesnt want us to live together yet, she said it would be "to easy" and things would go back to the way they were. If I didnt move out, she would have gotten an apartment and the divorce would have been done this week by the mediator (which was the original plan).
Believe me, I want to get back in my house ASAP and work on the marriage, but I cant make her do anything. I am working on myself right now, going to show her Im doing my own thing (again) and make her curious.
Regarding her friend, it was not a date, sorry if I made it sound like that. We are just friends, thats all it will ever be, believe me.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
My W moved out 2.5 months ago & we haven't talked about our R since. 99.9% of our communication is about our S4. I really don't understand why she hasn't filed for D yet. It's not like we're working on things. Maybe she's stringing things out to keep me as her backup plan. I really don't know & have no idea what she's been up to. It's all so strange.
Me-39 W-31 S-4 Bomb- 9/5/09 Discovered EA- 9/15/09 Found "proof" that EA is most likely a PA- 10/8/09 W moved out 10/31/09
I cant make her do anything. I am working on myself right now, going to show her Im doing my own thing (again) and make her curious.
Sorry I couldn't help but point out the contradiction within two sentences.
You have the right idea here, but you're setting yourself up for disappointment and more heartache.
If you do as you say, and "show her you're doing your own thing" and doesn't react, you'll be disappointed. If you don't "make her curious" you'll be even more disappointed. Why? The underlying tone of that is what you are going to expect, and expectations......... a no no for your mental good.
Now, if you just go and do your thing, and enjoy it for you and don't give two hooting hollars about what she thinks of it, and then she gets curious as she sees you living out your life without her and draw her attention, that would be a bonus, no? And going about this way, if she doesn't care or take interest in what you're doing and spike her curiosity, oh-well, atleast your having the most decent time possible for YOU. Not her.
Last edited by dday101798; 01/13/1009:44 PM.
Me 35/XW 33 S13 & S12 M: 10/17/98 OM & S: 07/08 D final 06/09/09 12/03/09 - 06/13/10 "Piercing" 06/13/10: Engaged to Re-marry 10/17/10 06/25/10: Expecting baby #3 2/14/11
Oh, here you are. I was wondering where you had gone from "Going Dark" forum.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
Muahahaha... my cynical mind says, that her friend thinks its all over between you and your W... so now she can finally make her move on you herself. So naturally she's going to downplay any kind of hope for you and your W reconciling!
Friend or no friend, I'd be wary of meeting her 1 on 1. There's nothing for you in it. I would be even more wary of talking to her about your W.
Your situation is much more optimistic than most of posters here. You and your W are talking and she is 50% sure of reconciliation. I second taking it one day at a time suggestion.
Friend or no friend, I'd be wary of meeting her 1 on 1. There's nothing for you in it. I would be even more wary of talking to her about your W.
Your situation is much more optimistic than most of posters here. You and your W are talking and she is 50% sure of reconciliation. I second taking it one day at a time suggestion.
Yea, Im not going to do that again with her friend. Regarding talking with my W, we havent talked in 2 weeks. I txted her on Sunday to tell her good luck on her new job, she txt back saying thanks.
Im still on vacation, having some good times minus the nights when I dream about my wife and sitch. Mornings are bad but the days are great. I just wonder if she even cares anymore, if she thinks about us or is just trying to avoid it all together. I may be setting myself up for disappointment but the truth is Im past that. She has disappointment me several times since the separation started and I know the worse has passed.
I have so many things going thru my head the past couple of weeks. How can my life be different without my W, could it be better? Am I better off? Could I be happier with OW? What is the purpose of dragging this on even more? So many questions and no answers. Im still young with no kids but I made a commitment and still dont want a D. In the end though, I feel like I may have to be the one to move on and tell her I cant wait any longer. I wont be giving up, I just cant take the emotional abuse anymore.
Last edited by brknheart; 01/15/1009:27 PM.
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
brknheart, I feel for you, and understand your feelings. I've been separated for 6 months now.
Seems to me that your W has conflicting feelings, and goes back and forth. I'm no expert, and I have no success to back myself up, but you need to be as perceptive to her cues as you can. Sometimes distance will be right, and other times pursuit will be.
Make distance the norm, and when it feels right, make small, precise advances. Go slowly, and make it natural and without pressure. See how she reacts and adjust on the fly.
Regarding your inner thoughts and free time, it will take practice to squelch those maddening thoughts. Stay busy, relish your work, try new activities, and deepen your involvement in hobbies you already enjoy. Find some good books to read. Don't even think about OW! This is the time to enrich yourself, for yourself, so that you will be better for your W or OW, whichever you end up with.
Today was a relax day, didnt do much. The bad thing is since my mind wasnt busy with something else, I started to dwell on my sitch. I am having a bad feeling that she is going to tell me its over (again) when I come back from vacation. If this, the best thing for me to do is say "ok" and agree? I know I cant keep doing this, her flip flopping and stringing me along. I guess I wont have a choice, only to packup the rest of my stuff, meet with the mediator, and sign the papers. Its going to be hard acting like Im ok with moving on and getting a D. Sorry for the babbling, just trying to get this out of my mind and prepare for the worst...
Sitch: http://snipurl.com/u4zrz
M-11y
D talk-7/28/09 W Moved out-9/01/09 W wants D-9/22/09 W doesnt want D-12/1/09 W Moved in/I Moved out-12/21/09 W wants D-1/19/10 D Final-04/15/10
