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kiwi000 Offline OP
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Hi everyone, actually DBing worked for me after my S had a EA progressing to PA with a work colleague. we actually managed to begin to pull it together, drfited apart for a while and were pulling it back together very well. I can speak very positively of DBing.

However, in the late stages of our R process, I met someone and have an infatuation with them. I met them at a bar, have been to lunch and generally this OW seems a lot more attractive right now.

This is a problem because part of my DBing approach was to commit to saving the M at all cost.

I barely know this new person and logic tells me I am in the infatuation stage but there's a reason they call infatuation 'love sick' isn't there?

any advice???


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Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Joined: Jun 2008
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Simple.

Do you still love your W? do you still want to save your M?

You know how hard it is and how much work it takes to keep even a good M. This new friend of yours is a good release from the stress you've been going through in your M. But then again, when you started going out with your W, it was the same thing.

How are the R efforts going?


M-43 W-40
2D - 9 and 5

Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet a new life.

RECONCILED AND WISER
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kiwi000 Offline OP
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Hi stuck88, well, R is going so so but after 2.5 years since the bomb I just can't get this newcomer out of my mind. I have ceased contact but I feel like a tennager again. WAW senses the issue and is more attentive but I have some kind of block....


--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Joined: May 2008
Posts: 4,715
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That's actually pretty typical. A new person with a new perspective, and you are having butterflies.

But, if you have agreed to give it your all for your marriage, then you have to follow through. You made a commitment to your wife. You may feel like a teenager, but you are not one...you are an adult. With being an adult comes responsibilities that teenagers don't have.

And the fact is, even if you do decide to go with this new woman, eventually the newness will wear off. We are all only human, fabulously flawed, and nothing is always perfect all the time. What are you going to do when that happens...walk away from the new woman?

Stick with your wife. Go to counseling. Remember the things about her that made you fall in love with her in the first place. Try to plan a romantic evening, something both of you will enjoy.

And get your head out of your a$$. You are doing to your wife the same thing she did to you...and it hurt you. Why in the world would you want to turn around and do it to someone else?

Sorry, just a little sharpness to Lola...


Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..

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kiwi000 Offline OP
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Hi Lola,

not sharp, just honest. I understand everything you say but I am really struggling to let go of the newcomer.

I guess the newness = easiness which doesn't exist with WAW. There is a chasm opening up between WAW and me now; I'm really not sure how to close the gap. I have not progressed the newcomer at all but obviously mentally there is something there.

When you say it is common, how do people put the newcomer out of their mind?

Thanks, Kiwi000


--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Joined: Aug 2009
Posts: 518
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How many times have you seen her, 2 times?

You need to have stronger boundaries in place. There's nothing wrong with a fantasy as long as you realize it's just that, a fantasy. You are not going to seek her out in real life and make it clear if she pursues you.

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Originally Posted By: kiwi000


When you say it is common, how do people put the newcomer out of their mind?


I think it's common in a sense that when your M is on the rocks there is a lot of void that is not filled within your M and it's natural to want it filled somewhere else.

You need to realize that that's what's happening and stick to your boundaries.

As far as getting them off your mind... why bother. You can entertain yourself with whatever your imagination can offer, as long as you have no intention of acting it out.

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Completely separate thought to spoil your grandiose WAS plans:
Why do you think OP would want to be involved with someone who is not even divorced yet?

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kiwi000 Offline OP
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Thanks wholeagain, all good advice. I'm back on track for my goals. Newcomer is just that and I don't know her at all so I won't give up on a M, even though I was the LBS, for a fantasy.


--------
Me; 38
W; 34
1 4yr old S
Married 4.5 yrs, together 9 yrs
Bomb; 15 June 2007
Holiday together Sept 2008; My Dad dies Nov 2008; reconcliation fails Nov 2008

Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 1,518
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Kiwi, You said you've DB'd before...perhaps get out the book and re-read a bit? Dust off an old copy of The 5 Love Languages?
It's for you. Forget about what W is doing and focus on you. Start looking like a better fantasy.


Me:44, WAW hx bi-polar H:48, hx of abuse
S:22, S:19, D:16
Filed Oct 08, dismissed
Filed again Jan 10, dismissed
Now Piecing
alter persona: SuperBoots

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