Can't seem to move forward...Help!

[stillalone]

Thanks... I write here because where else do I go to share all this hurt I feel. My exhusband is remarried - our marriage and what it signified was a joke to him and that tears me apart. The fact that someone could be that cruel to me is unfathomable. I don't have anyone around me that can understand the pain I feel about all of this. I am so hurt - so hurt - so hurt. And I really just wish I had never met such a person. How do I even begin to trust someone again after all of this?

[cat03]

How were you going to know how he was going to turn out? you weren't supposed to, no one has a crystal ball and can guess what is going to happen, no one would ever guess that my mikd sweet shy good tempered H would turn into a lying cheating person.
Listen hon, you can try with all your might to put together in a neat little box what happened, try to have everything follow an exact time line of when/how/where/why... guess what, you'll NEVER figure it out, it's just impossible, there are too many variables, and you trying to see where things went wrong on the dot is like trying to put back together a huge piece of glass that shattered... you will never make all the pieces fit, all you'll get is bloody and cut hands. That's an alegory I'd used a lot everytime i tortured myself thinking what was ex doing with then-ow when he was with me, etc etc... all I ended up feeling was sick and angry.

Bottom line, going back and rehashing old stuff will add NOTHING to your life... right now it is time to heal, to accept that what happened was painful, cruel and that it hurt... then, let it go. Each time the persistent negative thoughts assault you acknowledge them, then let them go, eventually you'll be able to remember without hurt. I highly recommend you read "the spiritual divorce" and "healing without scars", those books helped me soooo much! also, "eat, love and pray". It is very very important that you feed your mind good reads, that you replace the negative thoughts with good ones, neg. thoughts make grooves in your mind and are harder to dismiss, so you have to use all your might and use the stop-thought method mentioned on the DB book.

The fact that he married so fast does not take away from what kind of woman you are or W you were, it only reflects badly on him because a real man wouldnt've walk out like that, a good man would've fought tooth and nail not to loose his family... your ex is a coward who runned away and left a W and a little one, honestly, who would think much of such a person? The fact that he did that didnt' mean that at the time he married you he didnt' love you, he most likely did, in his own way. Love isnt' a black and white concept, it's a plant that requires much care and time, some people think that it will be all fireworks and crazy chemistry all the time (hence the As which are so exciting and a delicious secret), love evolves, it is not a feeling but a commitment. Your ex doesn't know what love is, and chances are good that his M won't last (70% of 2nd marriages don't, as people just bring the old baggage to a new person).

Until you feel whole and happy on your own put dating on the shelf, you wouldnt' want someone using you to get over someone, so don't do the same... perhaps you are trying to have someone make you feel better, but you are looking in the wrong place, you have to find yourself again and love who you are, knwo what you want, then you will be ready for someone else and will be able to trust again.

The first step is to say to yourslev that you will make it and be ok, even if you dont' believe it at first. When my thenH left the first time, I'd wake up crying... then I made it a point to wake up and smile, and tell myself it'd be ok...eventually I believed it and was able to choose my thoughts and tell myself I'd be happy for me and for my kids. Dont' know if you are a believer, but I found my faith again, my prayers used to be tearful repetitions of "please help me this hurts so much", and eventually I found more to praise about and God granted me the peace i so much needed.

I believe you can make it stillalone, you will.

[bright_new_day]

:::standing up and clapping for cat::: Bravo, well said!

[ClingingToHope]

Most of my friends are married and they listen - one of them has been so supportive and listens endlessly (she's a godsend) but it's hard for them to relate completely.

So true. I'd hear about friends divorcing and look at the relationship from the outside and say it was bound to happen. I had no idea the amount of pain that was involved.

I lost my mom suddenly 11 years ago and that hurt, but this has been like losing a loved one for 10 months. And I'm not even to the actual divorced part.

Sorry you ex was so calculating. My STBX thinks I'm hiding things from her. She thinks I've squirreled away a bunch of money. I don't even waste the time trying to explain to her that we were always broke while we were together even though we both make good money so how were we going to thrive apart supporting two households.

I'm thinking less and less about W and her thoughts though. That's good. Time is our only friend in this stuff.

[stillalone]

Thanks everyone... esp Cat for all the words of wisdom. I've been doing pretty well... not feeling as sorry for myself these days. It does take time - lots of it and then the pain starts to diminish. I actually have a friend who is just now seperated from her H. She is suffering tremendously right now as they have been seperated for 10 months. She is where I was 5 years ago. I have been talking to her a lot. And somehow talking to her and trying to console her and do what I can to listen to her story has seemed to help me. I want to just make all her hurt go away because I remember the feeling of utter desperation and aloneness when my H first left me. I hope she can save her marriage. I told her to come here and write and try and get some support. It's what we all need.

I do think I am looking for someone to fill the void left by my H. I seem to chose the same type of man... that's a whole other issue but really I think it's something I really need to think about and address.

I am in the process of selling my business and house and everything and moving to another city. Am scared but I feel like after all this time I have just been stuck in a rut - just watching the world go by and not taking any sort of action. I have become comfortably numb... And I have to shake it off - so I am forcing myself into a different situation. I am going to take a year off and just focus on me and my daughter. Then will try and decided - what I want to do work wise and eventually where I think I want to live. I guess I am lucky that at least I have options.

[stillalone]

I am feeling much better these days. I think for a few different reasons. Firstly I am speaking a lot to another woman who lives her whose H left her 10 months ago. I talk to her, try to make her feel better and more positive and the benefit is sometimes when you help others you yourself feel so much better. She's in a absive relationship but still wants him back. I keep telling her she deserves better but I think that is starting to sink into my own brain as well. I deserve(d) better too.

Also I am moving and really taking control of my life that way. I am getting excited by all the opportunities and adventures that lay before me. And for once I am trying to control my own life rather than have others do it for me. It's a very liberating feeling. I am going to spoil myself this year. Life is so short I want to be happy and have fun. I want to make all my dreams come true. I know it won't be easy but I am starting to see my marriage for what it was... really not that great... instead of idealizing it and pretending it was hunky-dory. I want a great relationship and maybe all this happened for a reason. And the truth is maybe I really am better off without him. I see this poor woman I am friends with - she's been married for 15 years - they have 2 kids. He hits her - and speaking to her I see how much emotional damage he has done. I feel so sorry for her... she deserves so much better. Am just thankful I got out when I did. Living with someone who doesn't truly love and respect you is so not worth it. I am finally starting to realize that. Hope it continues.

[ClingingToHope]

When you help others, you are really helping yourself. It's all about human connection, having someone to talk to. Where are you thinking of moving to?