I was devastated at the time. I was frustrated that nothing seemed to work in my M. It was b/c of a specific problem that H has been working on this year.
I found the techniques mostly helpful for myself not always with my H or our M/R. I learned this year mostly how to stand up for myself and the things I want and how to pull away from anyone who might prefer to destroy my peace.
At this point, my H and I remain separated and now without contact. We spent a year being separated and seeing each other - some things got much better and others worse. It has not been effective in remedying our problems. About two weeks ago I decided that we needed a real break from each other after one of his worst episodes.
I don't blame either of us for where we are at. Sometimes people grow at different paces and it is counterproductive to move forward together. Where it will end I am not predicting,but I will continue to ask for support in taking better care of myself this year. I need to maintain a healthier perspective of our situation and hopefully will find a path that breaks through our negative interactive pattern.
Certain information has come to my attention recently which give me pause in my own life. Mostly I want a M where I can be myself and enjoy the company of my partner. My goal this year: be a better me, take better care of me, and welcome the better people that have come into my life. Thanks All!
Thanks (Gypsy)! Need all the hugs. Need the support.
H has tried to contact me today with more of the same negativity - I am guessing that this is his angry face b/c we are not together.
Learning to stay calm, learning to resist the negative response, turning off the triggers. Praying he learns how to be happy for both our sakes - together or apart.
Today was quiet but I had a lot of negative emotions to work through. I journalled and kept busy. Trying hard not to get caught up in the negativity nor making assumptions about comes next.
Nice to hear from you. It has been a year of ups and downs as you know from your own experience. I stopped mostly b/c I got too frustrated and down. Had a lot to say but it was mostly not helpful for me or anyone else. Have come to realize that I do need to talk to others, I have a lot of healing to do, and I need to be more consistent with myself.
It seems that in all the trying to be compassionate toward H's problem I let go of a lot of things about me - and some of them were necessary to let go of - some may still need to be let go - but I discovered I am raw from the experience. I became fearful which is not an emotion I ever had in my life and I have been depressed. So I need a lot of positive people right now in my life which is hard to find.
This is more of venting and perhaps some questioning about what normal is like. Today I find my SIL's obit on Google! From Sept! You would think my bro would call me or something. We werent' close but I invited them to every major event in my family life and called my SIL during my lunch hour while she was going through chemo and radiation. Much of this year when I called I had to leave messages - mostly - call me!
I left another message today. Why didn't you call me? What I don't know is if no one was contacted or just me.
And I wonder why I have trouble in relationships?!
Oh, Im sorry Kassie. To play the devils advocate here- maybe just maybe, it was too difficult for him to actually say it out loud? Maybe it made it just too real.
I dont know. I just think that there might be a good reason!
I hope that things get better over the next few days!
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
Well, the next few days I was flooded with memories that were not so kind. I realized that all my life I have giving people excuses for their behavior trying to see the good in all. I realized that all I did was lie to myself about how people felt and how they really were. Which brings me to wonder what connection can be drawn from this and related to my marriage and current situation.
BTW I will be going back to our MC to process this individually for anyone wondering what to say.
What I could use is a reminder that I did nothing wrong - I did not fail and it is not wrong to see the good in others.
