What do YOU need? Do you feel you can feel safe in the relationship, knowing what you know and seeing what you've seen, without full transparency from her?
No I will not feel safe in the relationship without no contact and full transparency. Given that she has stated that she is not in a position to try, how can I set boundaries with such items.
You're misunderstanding what boundaries are.
Boundaries aren't about controlling the other person. They're not ultimatums. They're about YOU, and what YOU will (and won't) abide moving forward.
The best way I can answer that is that if you make it about HER, they will come across as "demands" and being "controlling."
If you make them about YOU, and what YOU need, then they are "boundaries of personal integrity."
Example:
"I forbid you to see OM" = CONTROLLING
"I can't live in an open marriage" = BOUNDARY
"You need to check in with me every day, and give me your cellphone bill!" = CONTROLLING
"In order to feel safe in our reconciliation, considering your recent affair, I need to know that you're no longer talking or texting him by having the cellphone bill come to me for awhile" = BOUNDARY
"You can't talk to me that way!" = CONTROLLING
"I like ME too much to allow myself to be spoken to so disrespectfully. Please come back when you've calmed down, and we can talk further." = BOUNDARY
Make sense?
It's also HOW you say it. It should come across as something you HATE to have to even ASK for, and that you'll COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND if she doesn't feel she can do it, but hey -- this is what I need right now. Let me know."
So the issue isn't what SHE is willing to do or not do at this point; the issue is about what YOUR core "N.U.T.S." are.
If you won't feel safe without a no-contact letter and a transparency plan from her, then you need to communicate that, and obviously you're going to FIRST need to communicate that you know all about her affair. What she chooses to then DO about it, is completely up to her -- you can't control her.
There is another way, although I wouldn't personally recommend it. If you REALLY think she is being sincere (I do not), then you could just maintain your own independent intel, and monitor the no-contact, as the two of you begin to SLOWLY reapproach each other and date and see where things go. Then if YOU turn up add'l contact, you can decide to confront and expose.
It's been a while since I provided the last update. Here is the latest.
Had the above meeting with Wife three weeks ago. We then had a counselling a few days later and the separation agreement was called off. It then turned into full blown counselling. She says she is over everything except for two things. However, at the end, the counsellor asked if she would like to setup another appointment and she responded with "not right now". After the session, she let me drive her to a friends which is a first. She asked me about reduced trust for her because she left and how I haven't brought it up. She then said maybe we should leave it for another counselling session. I said it was fine... that I would be lying if I said I haven't thought of that but when I do, I think about the ways I have wronged her and it keeps those feelings at bay. She said "wow... good for you".
Nothing further until Valentines. I sent a text "just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you today. She responded with "thank you for letting me know... i hope you are having a good v-day". I responded with "i hope you are too.. but truthfully, it makes me sad that we weren't able to spend it together." Nothing from her after that.
One week later, I text her for a request for a call. She responds with no problem and it escalates into another coffee. The coffee last 1.5 hours. It was good. Smiling, laughing, some short slightly awkward pauses in the conversation. I asked her if she was alright that I set up the meeting. She said "of course... if I wasn't I would tell you. I am not that shy." At the end, I said "if you ever want to go for a walk or skating sometime I would be open to it. She smiles at me and says "I'll think about it".
No calls or texts since. That was last Sunday. I watched fireproof last night and really want to do the love dare. I just don't know if that would push her away right now. She looks amazing every time I see her. Perfect make-up, hair and clothes. I can't help but think she is trying a little when she sees me.
Anyway, as per my usual... I am clueless about how to proceed. I want to continue meeting with her. However she asked the first time, I asked the second time... should I wait for her to respond next?
