Marriage Hanging by a Thread

[Puppy Dog Tails]

No, as far as I know, she has no clue that I have seen these items.

Why didn't you immediately call her on this:

... she said "she has not and is not seeing anyone.

That calls for you to immediately put up your hand in the "stop" position and say "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. If you want to try to reconcile, we can discuss that, but if you're just going to lie to me, then I'm going to leave."

Or something very similar.

Knowing what you know, you're never going to feel safe in the relationship without her agreeing to complete no-contact and transparency . . . I wouldn't think? And yet she doesn't know that you know, so how to approach it?

That's your problem. You need to get the 500-lb. gorilla in the room out on the table, so he can be dealt with.

In my opinion, your wife had an emotional affair, has probably cooled it somewhat (I don't think completely, but something has happened with "plate #1" and it's spinning slower which is making her turn to her "plate #2" (um, sorry, but that would be you).)

She probably doesn't consider what she's telling you as lying, because or some combination of "he's just a friend" and "our marriage was emotionally dead, so it's not really cheating." I could be wrong, but I don't think it had gotten physical. (NOT THAT IT MATTERS)

Puppy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Let me ask another question:

She just text me:

"thank you for meeting with me tonight. it meant a lot."

I responded with:

"you are welcome. it meant a lot to me too. it was nice to spend time with you."

Did I blow it there as well?

You tell me. What should you have done?

[NoLongerHere]

"Blow it" might be strong, but I think I would have kept it to a "You're welcome" or "My pleasure" -

Not that I'm particularly good at this myself. But I'd keep a "less is more" approach.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

"Blow it" might be strong, but I think I would have kept it to a "You're welcome" or "My pleasure" -

Not that I'm particularly good at this myself. But I'd keep a "less is more" approach.

You're close.

[godhelpme]

I spoke from my heart.

But it could have come across as reading to much into a coffee. Given that she said the same thing, I don't think it was a complete disaster.

The less is more is bang on. And it is a DB rule which I am obviously bad at following.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I spoke from my heart.

But it could have come across as reading to much into a coffee. Given that she said the same thing, I don't think it was a complete disaster.

The less is more is bang on. And it is a DB rule which I am obviously bad at following.

Another DB rule is to DELAY your responses. Tomorrow morning, you should have replied with a simple "You're welcome."

Puppy

[godhelpme]

Thanks for all of your input Puppy.

Believe it or not, I have actually been very good at delaying responses unlike some of the other DB rules.

[godhelpme]

That calls for you to immediately put up your hand in the "stop" position and say "PLEASE STOP IT. We both know you're lying to me right now, and it's incredibly disrespectful. If you want to try to reconcile, we can discuss that, but if you're just going to lie to me, then I'm going to leave."

She has specifically told me she is open to God's will for our marriage but is NOT in a place to try to reconcile right now. She is broken and needs time to heal.

With respect to the "please stop", it is exceedingly difficult to do when you have circumstantial evidence. Hence the "trust but verify" mantra.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

But she WON'T heal if she continues to contact OM.

What do YOU need? Do you feel you can feel safe in the relationship, knowing what you know and seeing what you've seen, without full transparency from her?

Puppy

[godhelpme]

What do YOU need? Do you feel you can feel safe in the relationship, knowing what you know and seeing what you've seen, without full transparency from her?

No I will not feel safe in the relationship without no contact and full transparency. Given that she has stated that she is not in a position to try, how can I set boundaries with such items.