The first couple of years in my M was unhappy b/c I was so young and had all these ideas about what M life was all about. I thought it would be sunshine & roses all the time. I believe I handled most things fairly well except for the "boredom" of the R. I craved emotional intimacy and my young H craved the physical (which is normal) but he did not know how to fill my needs.
My H wasn't interested in going anywhere. I would try & try to get him to go visit friends or for us to this or that, but all he wanted to do was come home, eat dinner, watch TV, and then go to bed and have sex. That was great for him, but it was slowly draining the life out of me. He was a good person, but I craved romance b/c I was still very young and felt that after the wedding vows were spoken....the romance stopped.
A lot of young men pursue the female by romancing her and then after he "catches" her, he stops b/c he feels he won what he was after (the girl). But she still has those images of soft candle lights, romantic music, and love words whispered. If her H doesn't provide that for her, then she will begin to try to fulill that by either watching movies or reading novels.......or getting into Internet chat rooms, or a co-worker at work, and other places she shouldn't be. In other words, it may start out non-threatening but it continues until she is off into a place that she feels through with her H b/c he's not giving her what she needs emotionally.
So, I just said all of that as a background, FWITW. She's trying to have a new romance in her life. It doesn't mean she loves him, but she has probably tried to convince herself that she does.....and her emotions may confuse the romantic feelings with "love" for a while.
This is the bottom line advice I would give you but most men can't accept it b/c they want to take some other route of action. You can't control what she does.....plain & simple. You can set boundaries, etc. but if she is living with you, then it makes things harder. You need to let her go. Drop the rope. Focus on you. If you will take all your attention off of her and put your energy into becoming a better man then that is the best action you could take. I can almost see you blocking this out as you read it, but I'm telling you that she will have to go through her own stuff and experience consequences to her own actions. She will have to find out what is really in her heart......and you cannot be trying to "tell" her what's in her heart....she has to figure that out on her own.
Men are so afraid to use this principle b/c they say is seems opposite of what they should be doing. It is the opposite of what they should have done during the R....but now that has past and this "is" the action to take at this point. If you pursue her, she will close her heart up until you will never have any chance of getting closer. Telling her you love her is pursuing. Contacting her is pursuing. But if you back off and let her go, and you learn to live life as if she will never be a part of it again......you will become an attractive man. I can't explain "why" except it is just a law of nature. This is something you will have to trust, b/c it won't make logical sense to you.....you just have to do it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thank you for your candid message. Here is an update.
W sends me a text this afternoon. Asks if I would be open to a conversation. We arrange to speak in a few hours. One hour prior to the call she asks if we can meet for coffee instead. The coffee was 2.5 hours.
We meet and here are her comments:
- She again says she see the changes. She believes the changes are real. - She is blown away about how I have been handling this. - She is open to whatever I want for the separation agreement. - She again reiterated how impressed she was with my fitness. - At times she brought up some of the ways I hurt her. I told her I have apologized, I have owned the mistakes and I am working to grow from those mistakes, I can't change the past all I can do is focus on the future. - I told her she is driving the bus. She says she is but I am right beside her driving a sports car. - She says I seem happy. I seem like myself. - I said "I can understand you emotionally separated from me before you physically separated, and with that you may have been able to justify getting involved with someone else, is that the case?" ... she said "she has not and is not seeing anyone. That would only complicate things and she needs to focus on healing herself. She spends a lot of time alone." - We can do whatever I want on the separation agreement. She got it from a friend who said it was standard. She went on that basis. She now says we don't need it but if I want it that is fine. - She says she will be completely honest & honour her word and believes I will do the same. - She said she is still broken. - I told her I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand every piece of common sense tells me to cover my butt if the worse case occurs but I do not want to take the psychological step. My heart is one towards personal growth and ultimately reconciliation. - She laughed A LOT. - She was not wearing her wedding bands.
- name and address - 1400 text messages per month (up from 300) - 2 - 1 hour phone calls at 2:30AM and 3:30AM while I was away. - short calls during lunch and after work to same number - locking of cell phone - leaving one week after calls started - changing attitude towards cheating colleagues (justifying them) - numerous other typical signs.
- I said "I can understand you emotionally separated from me before you physically separated, and with that you may have been able to justify getting involved with someone else, is that the case?" ... she said "she has not and is not seeing anyone.
Blcccch.
Do you think she is going to tell you the truth if you structure your question in such a way as to give her a get-out-of-jail-free-card on the adultery?
Look, she may or may not still be having an affair with the guy. But ASKING her if she is, accomplishes NOTHING.
I give people this basis advice when they have as much evidence as you do: either get some GOOD intel, and prove the damned thing one way or another, or, ASSUME SHE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR, and proceed accordingly.
Those are the only two positions that work, in my experience. To take the position of "All the warning signs are there, but I'm going to ask her if she's cheating on me, and if she denies it, I'll believe her because she's nothing if not honest" is foolish, naive and dangerous.
Puppy is again right. Cheaters always lie. Do not forget this, she is still in the fog. Do not be fooled. The vets have seen this time and time again. You set the boundaries.
The text messages were December. The calls were 1 week before she left - End of November The locked phone was the day she left. Thinking back, her phone was NOT locked 1 day before she left. Attitude towards friends changing - months before she left.
I have read your threads Puppy. I don't know why I thought asking would accomplish anything.
So if I assume she is having an affair, my position is to drop the rope. But now she seems to be pursuing me a little. How should I respond to that?
Very slowly. The biggest mistake everyone makes is to let them back into their hearts, and into their homes, too quickly, with no boundaries or transparency in place.
Does she know that you have seen this stuff? That you know?
Sandi, thank you for your candid message. Here is an update.
W sends me a text this afternoon. Asks if I would be open to a conversation. We arrange to speak in a few hours. One hour prior to the call she asks if we can meet for coffee instead.
Another thought, while it's on my mind.
Look at the above. YOU'RE TOO AVAILABLE TO HER. You should have said "Today's bad; I have plans. Tomorrow's kinda nuts too. How about Tuesday? I could meet you for coffee late-morning?"
