I agree with the guys here. The S papers sound more like D to me, so if you sign them, I think you should go dark and live life as if she is no longer a part of it. Can you do that?
She will take her time enjoying being "free" with dating OM, etc. but you will be developing your own life. When the A fizzles she will either turn back to you or move on to another man.
I would not be in MC "with" her if she's S from you, but if IC is helping you, then you could continue that. She is not committed to your M or she wouldn't be pushing for this S. I think she is wanting to hang onto you just enough so that if her fantasy with OM doesn't work then she'll always have you waiting in the wings. That is what she needs to see....that you aren't second choice.
Is she still keeping the A a secret from her family and people at work?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Met with W earlier in the week. It was supposed to be a quick meeting (30 mins.) with marriage counsellor to sign separation agreement (it was never signed). It ended up being 3 hours. She read me a prepared letter.
Here are some of W's notable phrases: > when she left, although she said she was committed to the marriage, she didn't mean it, she had written it off > she was afraid I would blow up, so she softened it > she doesn't want to give false hope > she told me I don't have to wait for her, she is broken (i.e. if i meet someone else) > now that she has left, nothing is better. > she is NOW open to God's plan for us, she has moved pass her anger > she is not even begun to heal > she can't try right now > she was angry for the first month and half but she is dealing with different emotions currently > living with friends sheltered her from the reality of the situation but now that she is out on her own she is overwhelmed > she said the separation agreement is the next logical step, she feels it is only logical since we are living separate > she said the separation agreement does not mean finality... it is just prudent and can easily be ripped up with the provision for reconciliation > she sees me changing > she believes the changes are real > she believes the changes are authentic > she is impressed > she didn't expect this at all > the letter I apologizing for my faults meant a lot to her > she could tell i put a lot of time into it > she thinks i don't understand after the letter (i called her on the cut & running as a pattern in her leave and the fact that i believe she has a deep emotional void she hopes a man will fill.) > fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me > she said I was the "perfect" boyfriend and she "held on" (for a whole 1.5 years) when things got tough because she thought I would return to the night in shining armour
The counsellor told me after the session, that he was blown away. That as far as he was concerned she had written off the marriage but now she has changed her tune and opened a door.
She has softened her heart by opening the door for us to get back together. She cried through the entire session.
I assume this all more WS script. As Sandi is saying, she is just leaving the door open if relationship with OM fails.
I must have missed the part where she says she's willing to end all contact with her boyfriend. Did I miss that?
GHM, I'm not familiar with your sitch, but I was asked to stop by and just give my opinion on the words she is using. To me, she sounds like she's still in Stage 2 in what I call the 4 Stages of Remorse:
I do think your wife is in one of the stages of remorse, but there are several stages. They'll go from "I'm sorry I got caught," to "I'm sorry for ME that I've messed myself up so much," to "I'm sorry for YOU that I hurt you (but I still don't see anything wrong with what I did)," to finally a more self-aware "I'm sorry for what I did because IT WAS THE WRONG THING TO DO, on so many levels. For me, for the pain I caused my husband, for the breaking of my vows, etc."
But again, I haven't followed your situation. Would she be willing to send OM a no-contact letter, and enter into full transparency with you?
Luvless - Thank you for the reply. I am continuing to do the work for me. (Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically - Down 35 lbs. in 2 months and feeling amazing) Basically, I feel like she just tries to keep me guessing.
Puppy - I still haven't confronted on OM as per recommendations. She doesn't even know I know. My current evidence is the following:
- name and address - 1400 text messages per month (up from 300) - 2 - 1 hour phone calls at 2:30AM and 3:30AM while I was away. - short calls during lunch and after work to same number - locking of cell phone - leaving one week after calls started - changing attitude towards cheating colleagues (justifying them) - numerous other typical signs.
I am having a problem collecting much more info. Do I need more?
I have been seriously GAL'ing, Working on My Issues, Completely Detaching (I have not texted or called, I only respond to emails usually after a couple of days.).
Let me know your thoughts on how to proceed. At least it seems I am not pushing her away anymore.
I sent her some aggressive clauses in the separation agreement. Not being mean but just making things a little more real for her. I told her the agreement was not what I prefer but as she wishes my comments were attached. In the meeting, she told me she was so upset when she got the email. She doesn't want this at all.
Who knows. Obviously, I continue to be completely clueless.
In answer to your question, I don't think she would be open to a NC plan with OM. I say this because she said she needs to heal and is not at a place where she can try right now. I think if she can agree to continue IC then I can broach that subject.
The counsellor asked us from our last meeting to write what we want to see in the separation agreement.
She wrote:
We are living apart since ---. - She will maintain me on her medical. - She will return the engagement ring if asked. - I am to give her $x from an investment account. - We agree we are open to reconciliation.
For the financial aspect, I referred to a legal separation document that we had previously agreed to.
My therapist told me I blew it. I should not have used a template. I should have spoken from my heart.
I then decided to really make a stupid move. I text her tonight (first one since separation 2 months ago) "would you be alright for a quick call"... she responded back 40 mins. later with "anything in particular?". It has now been 80 mins. and I have not responded.
Bottom line, when left to my own devices... I screw up. I feel so clueless.
I feel that is ridiculous that I am walking on eggshells. I constantly question, if I screw the next thing up, is that the last straw?
I just moved lock stock and barrel into backsliding city.
While it's of little comfort ghm...the only though I can offer is "welcome to the club". I am the king of backsliding...especially when "winging it". In fact if you read my sitch thread, you'd think I have specifically tried to do the opposite of the majority of the DB-ing advice I've received.
Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back on the DB horse so to speak. Sometimes even the last straw isnt the last straw.
