Praying for Light at the end of the Tunnel

[drewnole]

I hope you enjoy your evening with your family.

Have a Happy New Year!!!

[kjensen]

Hi Drew,
Happy New Year to you and your family as well!

H came over and actually stayed abut 4.5 hours! We had dinner and H, D14 and I played Risk(and I won or the first time ever!) and Rock Band. After a few songs H, kind of abruptly, said he had to go and quickly left. This was about 9pm.

H got a bit snippy with me a few times (D14 noticed and later said she thought it as H, not me). D12 was a little out of control with two friends over and H got on her for spraying silly string all over the basement.

Overall H had a good time with D14 mostly-and that was fine with me. Not a bad ending to a pretty crummy year.

Looking forward to a more promising year!

[trustingfaith]

KJ-

Here's to hoping 2010 is a more promising year! I'm glad your H joined you for dinner and Risk and time with D14.

Happy New Year!

[kjensen]

Thanks TF- Happy New Year!
Today I'm feeling a bit introspective, thinking about what I want my life to look like this year. It's a beautiful day here so getting outside is up on my list!

[trustingfaith]

I'm trying to do that too, figure out what I want life to be like this year for me, and what I want to accomplish.

[kjensen]

Update:
H called me Friday and wanted to talk about what I thought would be the best time arrangement for the girls to have between him and me-for the divorce. I could tell H was anxious/high strung through the whole conversation and I didn't really have a thought-out solution.

At one point I said that I was hoping he would reconsider(the divorce) and he just said. "It's over."

Here is my take: H is gung-ho about getting divorced. He is actively looking for a living situation that will have room for the girls. He expects 50/50 time split. I will have to pay him child support even though he would prefer to be financially independent of me. He is rational and not in any kind of fog about this.

He is drinking more while living with his cousin to the point of getting hungover(not his 'normal' behavior).

He has kept all of our "joint" passwords the same and has stated recently that I can see every thing he's spending his money on, there is no other person in his life.

It seems important to him that there is a transparency, as if he's still trying to prove he's trustworthy.

I don't understand this b/c if he's really thinking we're separated and soon to be divorced-then why would this matter?

He's saying that he wants to help raise our girls and his is extremely important to him, yet since he's moved out he doesn't really call them or try to do things with them, and almost expects that they initiate contact and asks them why they don't..

This inconsistency may be part of the MLC, but since H's so rational abut the custody stuff, I'm just plain confused. I'm wondering if the MLC label was just a crutch for me and this man really has been miserable for 16 years and just can't wait to sever the ties with me as much as possible.

I found a weblink somewhere that had some interesting logic..We all have fears and these fears lead to some of our self-sabotaging behaviors. My big fear is abandonment and rejection and it has, in the past, made me clingy and behave in a "please others but not yourself" way. The logic presented is..if your worst fear occurs (I'm abandoned and rejected) and you survive(most people will), then what is there to fear anymore? And this seems true. I have been "abandoned/rejected"(given up for adoption, father moved out at age 12, mother emotionally abandoned me at same time, H broke up with me several times in the years preceding our marriage and has now left me twices in last year)...and I have survived every time...quite a revealing way to look at our fears. Don't really fear those things anymore-feel calmer. Just sad at the breaking up of our family and the toll on our girls. miss my best friend.

[trustingfaith]

KJ,

Your last line really struck me. I just posted over on my thread a conversation H and I had last night. Last night the loneliness hit me like a ton of bricks. I miss my best friend and the great guy he was. I told him that I missed him, though, which was probably "wrong" but he wanted to know why I was sad. It is hard to hide that kind of stuff all the time with him living at home.

We will make it through this.

(((hugs)))

[kjensen]

I've tried imagining my 'current' H as my best friend of 21 years, and his behavior just doesn't cut it. As much as he espoused remaining friends forever, he just doesn't act like one. I can't call him up to go see a movie..we're just not there and I'm not sure if we will be again.

I think its harder when they are at home. Hang in there-find time to get away and process stuff privately, if needed.

I think its normal to mourn the loss of that best frend we had-like a death of sorts..it takes time. I still mourn my Dad who died 5 years ago. It hits me less frequently as in the beginning, but when it does hit, it always packs a wallop. At Christmas my uncle(Dad's brother) broke down a bit with me and said he missed my Dad more than ever. Time heals some of the pain, but the hole they leave behind is always there, just smaller..but always there. Its a reminder of he love we had, the place they had in our heart(and still do).

[trustingfaith]

The mourning does take time. Last week I was doing so well and then wham, I feel like I have been sent back a few steps.

I too would have a hard time being friends with the man my H has become. I just don't trust him much at all anymore, not a good quality in a friendship. It has been hard with H becoming increasingly aware when things are "wrong" with me and then wanting to know (boy is that a change from the beginning of 2009!). He actually has gotten upset a couple of times the last few days when I wouldn't really say, but how can I trust him? I really can't say if it has anything to do with him.

[kjensen]

Its hard not being able to talk normally. It almost feels to me sometimes like I'm lying, b/c I can't be open/honest like before.

Well, just when I think things are getting to a normal routine here with just us girls in the house, D12 as a major meltdown.

She is my sensitive, "dramatic" child with alot of sass. It seems out of the blue to me- I pick up her and a friend from the movies tonight and remind her that she didn't finish her weekly chores-one of which is to cook dinner that night (and its 630pm)...Once we're home she works on dinner/chores with lots of anger and banging around. Now she goes on a tirade about how me and her father (but mostly me) have ruined her life.

There is no reasoning with her. Active listening doesn't help. She is obviously depressed and will admit that but refuses therapy-which I think I will need to have her go, willing or not.
She wants to spend all of her time at her friends house(whose parent are separated but living in the same home) b/c they are more of a family to her than me and D14.

This is killing me, b/c there is nothing I can do immediately to fix this. Separation, MLC, divorce all hurt us adults, but I think they hurt the children more. I have a hard time getting past the anger at H, for what this is doing to the kids. This is the stuff he'll never see, b/c the kids don't rant or explode or even emote when he's around for fear of reprisal(his anger/yelling). I get the tirades, b/c I listen and I feel and I respond and care. Or maybe its just me the provokes it? I really don't know anymore.