Getting back on track ...

[P17]

I have a post in the Infidelity forum but I wanted to move this thread here as it's for me and has nothing to do with A / OP's etc.

If you want to read all about my sitch you can. But the short story is as follows:

Separated since 2 August. Discovered EA on 6 September. W moved out 7 September into a house a stones throw from here that her daddy bought her. OM moved in with her on 10 October.

Tried to facilitate contact between W and my D (her step-D). Worked, didn't work, worked, didn't work. Found out she was snooping around my house while I left her to babysit one night. W was asking D about 'if daddy had a girlfriend' and other stuff.

Found out my mum had two months to live on 16 November - W was over at the time. Told W, she wasn't particularly interested. Sent NC letter on 17 November. W comes around on 23 November for a 'planned visit with D'. Reiterated the NC letter, off she goes.

I asked IM to contact W twice about coming down to see my mum. Eventually get an email saying she doesn't think it's a good idea, tells me what she is getting D for Xmas and then asks for some Xmas stuff (in the same email). I ignore email. She sends text. I ignore it. Give (some) xmas stuff to IM who arranges for W to come and get it but she sends OM. IM asks OM about my D's care seat (which W has). Message was to be passed on. IM also texts W about it. No response. I ask IM to text W last week after Doctor called here for her. No response (these last bits may seem trivial but they are important). I think W has gone into huff mode.

W has vanished from the radar. No contact. No followup. No interest. No condolence card. No xmas card. No interest in D. No coming to D's xmas concert at school. Not a damn thing. She has since found out my mum passed away and the funeral was on 7 December. Had condolence and xmas card from MIL. Nothing from W or the rest of her family.

W has wiped a 7 year relationship and a step-D from her life within 4 short months. She has obviously moved on with her life completely. Was hoping that we could work on the M but I see no positives in my sitch at all. Nothing. W has an addictive personality (shopping for example running up huge debts before she left). I see her and OM going long term due to her insecurity and similarity in how we started the relationship in the first place.

I have filed for a Legal Separation Agreement that W has dragged her heels on (she received it on 3 October and I only got a letter from my L last week saying she has engaged an L of her own). This will hopefully settle financial matters at least. Only I can file for D on the grounds of Adultery. W cannot file for two years since separation date (2 August 2011).

So, here I am. Wifeless. No real hope for reconciling left. However NC was the best thing I did. I have been working on myself, understanding my feelings and reconnecting with my D. I have backslid for the last few days over a few things (see my threads in Infidelity if you want to know more). Trying to get back on track as I am fed up with it and having a pity party.

I read and try and help out a lot in here as it is a great place. However I don't see too many threads on my sitch - while I know it's not unique the NC and the complete disappearance of the WAS and the monumental job she has done in erasing the last 7 years of her life is incredible! Staling would have been proud!!

My reason for being here is where do I go now - first of all with DBing / M if there is any hope left? Second, and more importantly with my GALing, 180's etc. I want to have a plan together but I have absolutely no idea where to start with that. Goals? No idea. I have read the DR book.

ANY help appreciated.

[bluerain]

Hi P17. My H got rid of any trace of my existence. Recently, almost 2 years after everything started he put a pic of us together up on his FB. He tagged me in it, I removed the tag.

Its only hopeless when you decide that its hopeless. What have your 180's been? What have you done to GAL?

I would just buy D another car seat, but thats just me. Who knows why shes keeping it, but if you pick one up, you have one less reason to think about W.

[P17]

Bi Bluerain,

Hi P17. My H got rid of any trace of my existence. Recently, almost 2 years after everything started he put a pic of us together up on his FB. He tagged me in it, I removed the tag.

It still staggers me though. It really does.

Its only hopeless when you decide that its hopeless.

It's getting that way real quick. If I don't see some twinkle of something soon (and I don't even mean the breaking of the A, just SOMETHING) then I really must try and give up hope.

What have your 180's been?

1. NC - totally out of character and what the old P (she married) would have done. No pursuing. No crying, pleading, begging etc.

2. Not giving her back all of her xmas stuff - when she left here I agreed with almost everything she wanted to take from the house (including most of the wedding presents). Refusing to give her all of the xmas stuff she wanted back was a 180.

3. Dance class - joined a dance class just after she left. Best thing I ever did. Truly is. And I kept it up. W always said that I only danced with her twice in 7 years (the reason for that was part of our problems but nevermind).

4. When she was here seeing D I basically ignored her and let her and D get on with it. Again no pursuing.

5. No R talk. When she was here with D, again no talk of R or M.

6. Xmas lights - again may not seem important but for somebody who was always bah humbug, this xmas I have lights outside the house (something even W never did), the tree looks like it's out of a catalogue picture (well I think it does) and the house is xmassy - I'm even waiting on an outdoor 'Merry Xmas' sign being delivered too ...

7. When W was here she asked me to help her with her computer (I work in IT), or tell her about software, burn some things to CD etc. Didn't do anything ... politely changed the subject or walked out of the room. Wasn't meant to be nasty, just a 180 for me as I was always Mr Helpful. I wasn't with her anymore so why should I do these things for her.

What have you done to GAL?

1. Singing and listening to music - might not sound a biggie but as somebody who never did this during the M (I know weird, but anyway) for W to catch me upstairs, headphones on singing along to music and dancing while cleaning D's room would have been a revelation (okay she laughed but it made her smile).

2. Dance class - see above.

3. College course - haven't been for a while for various reasons but it's still on.

4. Getting out more even if it's just for a coffee to a friends house.

5. TRYING to meet new friends - not easy but it's having some effect.

6. Off out venues - one coming up on 30/12 with a local band. Looking forward to it. A few drinks, bit of dancing. Not like P at all.

I would just buy D another car seat, but thats just me. Who knows why shes keeping it, but if you pick one up, you have one less reason to think about W.

To be honest, that's why I asked for it back! I originally thought that her keeping it, and seeing it everytime she looked in her rear view mirror, would cause her to remember D. Then I thought it's just one more thing tying us together (as I will remember she has it) so I thought just get it now and get it over and done with.

I don't actually need the car seat as my car has one built in, however a) it's the principle (it's mine and it's annoying me she has it) b) my dad was up last week and he couldn't take D anywhere as we didn't have one. Don't actually have the money to buy another.

Anyway, I was using it more as a point to illustrate W may be in a huff as why would she withhold D's car seat otherwise?

[P17]

I am looking for some advice on this. Again I posted it over in Infidelity but didn't get too many responses and I'm still not sure what I should do.

As I said at the start of my thread, MIL send condolence card and xmas card to me and D (MIL is not D's natural grandmother - doesn't matter but may be relevant). D's card said 'hope to see you in 2010'.

MIL also sent through some presents for D which I will pick up on Monday from post office.

What I am in two minds about is whether to keep contact with MIL or whether to send back presents and go NC with them too. I am going to call her tomorrow to thank her for them and her thoughts.

Nobody from W's family has contacted me at all for the last three months (basically since she left). The only reason there as contact before as I called them to inform them about the A (which they didn't believe me about).

Texts flew between MIL and W during the 5 weeks after we separated and W lived in the house. These texts were pretty nasty. Even afterwards the comments I heard from MIL, through W, were also pretty nasty. MIL and FIL facilitated the split by buying W a house. MIL, as far as I am aware, support W leaving and doesn't disapprove of the A.

I have been NC with W since 17 November.

My two minds are:

1. Having MIL on side may be a good ally - although I doubt very much she would ever take my side over W. She also supports and agrees with her daughter completely so this may be a pointless exercise. It is an indirect channel of communication though.

2. W looks to have completely and utterly moved on. Have never read a sitch like this yet where W disappears totally from her life to this extent. If I want to move on, and MIL does actually support her daughter then the contact between MIL and my D is a little pointless. She supports the breakup of our family but wants contact with D? Seems a little hypocritical and silly to me.

Just lost just now on which way to go or which way is best in the long run.

[Super Girl]

I think you should let her have a relationship with your D. It's not your D's fault things are a mess right now.

Your MIL might not be much of an ally, but being cordial to her is a more honorable thing to do.

[AFWAW]

I agree with Sad Girl. You should be cordial to MIL for you D's sake. You'll waste too much energy not being cordial.

[patpat]

P17

I agree with sadgirl. It is not D's fault. MIL prob really care for your D.

You would support your D if she were in this situation wouldn't you. That what MIL & FIL are doing. All because they are supporting ur W does not mean they agree with her.

This, I am sure, has an ill affect on them also.

W is blood, you are water....

hang in there my friend.

BTW... let D have the gifts...

[P17]

Thanks for your input guys.

I suppose I am really hurt that W's family has disowned / abandoned myself and D so completely. While I wasn't a perfect husband and own 50% of the problems we had, I don't believe that I did anything to warrant their actions. 3 months of no contact from them to even ask about D does really stick the knife in.

While all of us agree that it's not D's fault and she shouldn't have contact. It's also not D's fault that W left but her family did abandon her. Anyway, that's just the way I see it. I suppose a part of me probably wants to punish them and I won't admit it to myself, if I'm really honest. That isn't fair or right though.

I will make sure MIL has contact if she wants it and the gifts get to D.

Another question. When I speak to MIL I wasn't going to say that I wouldn't step her seeing D (and I wouldn't unless it's not beneficial to D). While I don't want any W talk brought up, she may ask me about the sitch between D and W and to be honest I'm really not sure what to say.

I stopped contact for numerous reasons, some of which I have above. However I stopped contact between her and D for a couple of reasons:

1. D was seeing W and it was like she never left (her own words) and that was giving her false hope.

2. D needs to realise that married people do not have boyfriends and girlfriends and that what W did was wrong.

3. D needs a role model in her life to guide her - an adulterer isn't the kind of role model I want in my D's life.

4. W was cake eating

5. W didn't contact me once between visits to find out how D was (which was just really strange behaviour for her) and I felt like as she had moved on I actually wanted to let her move on completely. That sounds weird, even for me to write it, but it was a consideration.

I have no idea how to approach this without sounding like I'm lecturing or controlling. I also feel like whatever say I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. Suggestions for a mini-script of what to say?

[patpat]

P17

I must say that I agree with you. W is step mother isn't she.

I agree with all the reasons you have mentioned. W is not good role model for YOUR D. You are correct in thinking that your D does not need to grow up with mixed signals and the imbedded idea that it is ok for a man or woman to have a BF or GF while married.

I might add that a benefit that D will not have from W is those little things that a young lady would talk to a woman about that she would not talk to a male about. Maybe MIL or a sister or something can fill those roles as needed.

Sorry, I do not have a response on what to tell you on how to script W regarding D. Scripts are nothing I am really good at right now. Having a hard time scripting my own W.

Love ya man, Keep being the great father you are...

[sgctxok]

Hi P17---

Again--I think you are amazing and you are still giving great advice---keep it up.

One thing I strongly disagree with is advice to out an affair. It's already done here. So everything you do now with the rest of your wife's family should be about healing. And everything between you and your wife should stay between you and your wife.

Some of the very best advice I got from 'Fred' -- after my divorce in '94. (Came to the board 2 relationships later. Fred was the first R later, and he became like a brother to me....and his daughters like mine.......blah blah blah) He told me that my children need all the people in their life that love them...and to nurture that. I have done that. And that's one of the things I will never regret more than 15 years after my divorce. Even when my inlaws shut me out for about 2 years. And that's about how long it seems to take with what I've witnessed on the board. TAKE THE HIGH ROAD.....even if you're not treated spectacularly.....IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU. Think years out, not 6m out in everything you do. And if it doesn't come back to you, it comes back to your child.


It also prepares the way for an easier transition for you and your wife. The more divisions you make, the more divisions remain....so if you have divisions with your inlaws, it can make it hard or impossible for your wife to 'save face' and come back.



So keep the gifts. With joy. Thank your MIL with enthusiasm. Your joy will give back to her.....and nurture what she knows in her heart....YOU'RE the BEST!!!
Peace is almost always the best way.