What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[Greek]

Last weekend she hit me multiple times in the head and almost destroyed the James Dobson book I was reading (she gave me) that spoke of the effects of divorce on kids. I just stood there and took it. I have never ever hit her and I never raise my voice. She hit me so hard that she thought that she fractured something in her hand.

She tried to grab me and pull that crap...

Next time she lays a hand on you in anger, Doc, call the police. If you had done to her physically what she's done to you, you would be under the jail.

Stop the violence.
Greek

[Wonderful!]

Doc,
Sorry you are dealing with this but I think you are coping with this turmoil the best you can. Hold the line. You are closer now to having your marriage back than you realize(if that is still what you want). Frankly, I still get the impression that you do. I also think you are pissed at yourself because in spite of this BS, you do still want your marriage. But maybe I am over reading your posts.

Again, I urge you not to make any major decisions right now. Cover your backside to be sure, including consulting with an attorney(or two) but try to give yourself some time to think. Listen to your rationality, your gut and your spirituallity.

I am a bit concerned she may try to provoke you into being physical yourself. If she comes at you again, calmly take our your IPhone and start video recording her actions. State the following words, "I am recording your actions."

[SDFoundGirl]

I am a bit concerned she may try to provoke you into being physical yourself. If she comes at you again, calmly take our your IPhone and start video recording her actions. State the following words, "I am recording your actions

Yes! This is a boundary to set. She doesn't get to hit or put her hands on you just because she's female.

"W, I will not allow you to put your hands on me. If you persist, I will call the police." Then do it.

Hang in there!

SD

[Ready2Change]

Doc,

Do you see the predictions?

Your W is going to provoke you. There are different levels on how they do this. Be ready on how to respond to the worst few. That makes the others easy to respond to.

Some issue restraining orders on the LBS without a real issue (IE they lie to the police). I decided at one point that I would not be alone with W (better safe than defend against false allegations). If the kids were not home, I would not be alone with W. If you need to speak with W in private away from the kids, meet in a public place. Starbucks or similar...

Some hit the LBS. Best response is to call the police and have issue a RO against WAS.

[chatterbug]

My wife did that. She said I should beat her for what she did. I just looked at her in disbelief and replied that I would not tolerate any physical violence.

[Sleepy]

Hello all,

This will most likely be my last post on this thread on this forum. I have reason to believe that my W has discovered it. First of all, I would like to thank all of you for your concern and help. This forum has made me a stronger man and has given me strength to deal with all of this. I will continue to throw support back for all of you on your sitches.

Yesterday, I had to call in sick to work. I am in protection mode now. I left at 6:30 for work as usual, hung around at Starbucks, then I waited until 8 and then called some lawyers offices. I made appointments, met with them, and found one that I liked.

When the bank opened at 9 I went to open a new account. I had just transferred the money that contains my pay into that account when my W sits down beside me, yes, at the bank. I guess she was thinking the same thing. I think she was coming in for the $2500 for her lawyers retainer fee. It was awkward for the bank officer but it was done. She was upset.

I don’t think anything is wrong with this. She has betrayed my trust. I will continue to pay the bills but I will deposit money into the joint account for that purpose. I see nothing underhanded with this, I was protecting our assets which I didn’t want spent on some mousey “peaceful divorce attorney”. She put it on the credit card instead.

I have been exchanging phone calls with the OM W. This is a blessing for me. She has him going to counseling now. She tells me that he loves his kids and I don’t think he is going to give his marriage up for all of this. They have had a happy marriage up until now.

My W met with her lawyer yesterday. Her lawyer doesn’t “serve papers” she just works on a divorce where both parties agree. Well, I told her that I don’t agree. So my W spent $2500.00 to go to this lady to put together a divorce for one person. I wont go. I liken it to me going to marriage counseling by myself and her feelings about going there. We are both on opposite ends of the spectrum. Once the WAW fog lifts, maybe she will see the right thing to do for our family and our kids.

My father in law came down last night to talk to her. She feels betrayed by me for confiding in him and letting him know what happened in detail. I suppose he is the wrong guy to tell those things to, but I have been in a panic and you don’t think much in panic, you react. He felt it was necessary to intervene. I told him that we can say all we want, but in the end she must make the choice. There is nothing that we can do or say to change her mind. It’s all in God’s hands.

After they left my W tried to manipulate me again. She tryed to make me feel guilty about what happened. I didn’t buy it, but listened to her. She can’t see how I could ever love her or trust her again, but I don’t think she really understands what “real love” is. I mentioned the parable of the prodigal son (this says it all) to her then gave her a big hug. She said “don’t touch me”. I think she feels that she is not worthy of my love, she might feel dirty. Sure she has betrayed me and she has strayed from the Lord’s ways but I think she can get back on track. She just needs to accept spirituality back into her life.

I am tired of playing these counter-intuitive games. I have been vacillating between telling her I that want the divorce and I don’t, when in reality I don’t and never ever have. She is confused and I understand how she can feel that way.

I am sticking with my plan of unconditional love. That doesn’t mean pursuing, it means not being cruel or mean. It means showing her how I really feel no matter how poorly she treats me. It means forgiving her for her sin and moving forward toward a better life for us all. I envision a marriage stronger than ever, one in which both of us show and demonstrate “real love” for one another, doing things together, enjoying each others company, giving of ourselves to make the other feel happy. I see us renewing our vows in the future in the church. I see our children at our sides looking up at us with smiles as big as the grand canyon and their eyes are smiling too. She may think I am living in a fantasy world, but it doesn’t hurt to dream. A man is nothing without his dreams.

She is in a lot of turmoil right now and I want to be there for her to support her through it. No more games. No more darkness. The A has been busted. The worst is over. It’s damage control now.

I think she feels that she can run away from all of this with a divorce. She will never be able to run away from it. I am going to be popping up in her life forever. I feel the pain will only get worse for her and I will do my best to prevent that from happening. I’m in this for the long haul and I made a covenant before God to love her forever and always until death do us part. I think it’s best to just put the pain behind us and work on the future. The past is the past we can’t change that. I just hope that God will help her see this.

Well, that’s it for me here. I will stick around, but I want to thank you all for all your support and help.

Best,

Tridoc

[lea74]

Hello Tridoc, we havent communicated before but I have been following your stitch. I think the conclusion you have come to is truly admirable and you are an inspiration. I too believe in unconditional love, and for better or worse.

I pray that you will make it and it seems you are on the right track.

This is a really wonderful post and I wish you all the best for you and your family.

((( hugs ))))

[Sleepy]

For those of you not familiar with this parable:

Luke 15:11-32

The Prodigal Son - Story Summary:

The story of the Prodigal Son, also known as the Parable of the Lost Son, follows the parables of the Lost Sheep and the Lost Coin. Jesus is responding to the Pharisees' complaint: "This man welcomes sinners and eats with them."
Jesus tells the story of a man who has two sons. The younger son asks his father to give him his portion of the family estate as an early inheritance. Once received, the son promptly sets off on a long journey to a distant land and begins to waste his fortune on wild living. When the money runs out, a severe famine hits the country and the son finds himself in dire circumstances. He takes a job feeding pigs. He is so destitute that he even longs to eat the food assigned to the pigs.

The young man finally comes to his senses, remembering his father. In humility, he recognizes his foolishness, decides to return to his father and ask for forgiveness and mercy. The father who had been watching and waiting, receives his son back with open arms of compassion. He is overjoyed by the return of his lost son! Immediately the father turns to his servants and asks them to prepare a giant feast in celebration.

Meanwhile, the older son is not one bit happy when he comes in from working the fields and discovers a party going on to celebrate his younger brother's return. The father tries to dissuade the older brother from his jealous rage explaining, "You are always with me, and everything I have is yours."

Points of Interest from the Story:
• Typically, a son would receive his inheritance at the time of his father's death. The fact that the younger brother instigated the early division of the family estate showed a rebellious and proud disregard for his father's authority, not to mention a selfish and immature attitude.

• Pigs were unclean animals. Jews were not even allowed to touch pigs. When the son took a job feeding pigs, even longing for their food to fill his belly, it reveals that he had fallen as low as he could possibly go. This son represents a person living in rebellion to God. Sometimes we have to hit rock-bottom before we come to our senses and recognize our sin.

• The father is a picture of the Heavenly Father. God waits patiently, with loving compassion to restore us when we return to him with humble hearts. He offers us everything in his kingdom, restoring full relationship with joyful celebration. He doesn't even dwell on our past waywardness.

• Reading from the beginning of chapter 15, we see that the older son is clearly a picture of the pharisees. In their self-righteousness, they have forgotten to rejoice when a sinner returns to God. Bitterness and resentment keeps the older son from forgiving his younger brother. It blinds him to the treasure he freely enjoys through constant relationship with the father.

Questions for Reflection:
Who are you in this story? Are you a prodigal, a pharisee or a servant? Are you the rebellious son, lost and far from God? Are you the self-righteous pharisee, no longer capable of rejoicing when a sinner returns to God? Maybe you've hit rock-bottom, come to your senses and decided to run to God's open arms of compassion and mercy? Or are you one of the servants in the household, rejoicing with the father when a lost son finds his way home?

[Wonderful!]

Doc,
Wise and beautiful words. I am glad you remain committed to your marriage and are being true to yourself. The paragraph about renewing your vows--I could have written that, I hold that dream close to my heart as well. Thanks for reminding me of that distant shore. Truely, you post is an inspiration. It is most important to hold true to yourself when it is most difficult to do so and when you must push through the dark and fog alone. I guess that is just my inner philosophomore.

There is much work to be done. Your wife is still thrashing about in the water. It will be very, very hard to be understanding and give her real love because of your hurt. Even if the A is over, she is not going to be very pleasant for some time. I think her withdrawal period will be lengthy given her long, long history with the OM. You are in the water too now, Doc. Don't think you aren't. The hurt will come in waves. You wife is in no position to throw you a line either. You are gonna have to tread water.

I hope you will consider sticking around, perhaps starting a new thread and a new handle. I plan to post a new thread under a new name soon, now that I am entering a new phase in the long process of rebuilding. Whatever you do, you have my respect and admiration. Via con dios my friend.

[chatterbug]

The affair has been brought to the light. Not busted.

You still have a ton of work to do. Verification of facts and actions.

No Hugs.

This is not the time.

Stand strong. Be very firm.