I wouldn't divulge your sources of information, if you get the confirmation you need, great. She'll probably get defensive and want to know why you suspect and how you know.. The less she knows about your sources of info, the less wiggle room she'll have.
Sorry to read about you sitch...
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
Hi Tridoc, very sorry to hear about what just happened. I was actually typing a response hours ago but had to leave as a business call came in. Ok, call me negative or whatever, and I could be wrong, but ...
There's no such thing as unconditional love in human society. Even God, who is infinitely more capable than any one of us of this, got spat in his face for the trouble. Even if love can be near "unconditional", relationships are never so. There are always boundaries. In marriages, one must be trusting, but wilful denial of reality is not going to get you anywhere. With respect, I have to ask - why were you setting yourself up for disappointment and pain?
Whether you catch her "red-handed" with what's on her underwear, you've already caught her red-handed lying to you about details of her trip. Honestly, I see no basis for trust at all just based on this. Also, her whole attitude of being upbeat seems incongruent with knowing your unhappiness at some of her actions. Unless of course, what you fear happened, happened.
You already knew what "type of person" she was. You chose to invest trust and further emotions (perhaps somewhat prematurely). It's still your call whether to bust her, make her live with the consequences, yet still keep the door open for R if there's remorse in future.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Doc, I completely understand your anger. I urge you not to let it tkae control of your life. It is hard because the hurt is still compounding. I urge you to take some time to gain clarity about what you really want. Talk to your counselor, pastor and trusted friends. In other words, and I can speak from experience on this, you have been treated unfairly, betrayed and lied to, but does acting from aggrieved status get you what you truely want?
IMO, if you confront her with less than iron clad proof, all you are going to get is stonewalling and anger. It is a very unsatifying feeling. and she will turn it around on you soo fast. She has the benefit of knowing what your intentions are, so she knows how to manipulate you. So if you decide to confront, be fully prepared for the it to end up in your lap. If you have a level of proof you deem sufficient, don't expect to feel better after confronting your wife to make you feel better.
Do not get me wrong, confrontation is necessary. But do so on your terms in the manner and method of your chosing. Although it may not seem like it, you are the one that is in control here. Don't let the infidel or the feelings that terrorize you dictate your actions. That gives up too much of your hard won power.
Where have you been? You just dropped off for a while. Thanks for checking on me.
I just have to know for sure. I have ordered a chemical detection system to do it correctly..PSA and all that. I should know tomorrow.
If she is having an affair and the marriage is going to work out, she has to stop it, and that will require tough love on my part.
I'm not afraid of divorce. Honestly, I probably will do better with it then she will. I just won't tolerate her manipulating me and blaming me for this. I want to end it on my terms and make her feel guilty for what has happened. I suppose that is a start. I can't continue to have her take advantage of me.
I suppose once I do find out, I will need a consensus from the board on how to handle it without cutting my own throat.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Where have you been? You just dropped off for a while. Thanks for checking on me.
I just have to know for sure. I have ordered a chemical detection system to do it correctly..PSA and all that. I should know tomorrow.
If she is having an affair and the marriage is going to work out, she has to stop it, and that will require tough love on my part.
I'm not afraid of divorce. Honestly, I probably will do better with it then she will. I just won't tolerate her manipulating me and blaming me for this. I want to end it on my terms and make her feel guilty for what has happened. I suppose that is a start. I can't continue to have her take advantage of me.
I suppose once I do find out, I will need a consensus from the board on how to handle it without cutting my own throat.
Tridoc, If I may ask, the detection system that you have, could you elaborate where, how quick to get it, reliability, cost? You have me thinking,, I have access to Uv/blacklight units from work, but there can be some confusion in the result, soaps etc.. but its a good start...
As far as the W feeling guilty, I feel that I know where you are coming from and completely share you sentiment there. Might have been both contributing to the sitch, but the W exacerbated it with the A and my feeling is that she needs to take responsibility and own it in its entirety,,,
From what I have read in these forums, unfortunately its usually 1-2 years after the D is done that the WAS/MLC spouse senses that they made a mistake... that's no help, you've already D'd and hopefully moved on, kinda like a left handed compliment, "you look skinny for a fat person!".
I'm mentally preparing myself if my sitch goes due south for my "living well, is the best revenge", way to move on..
DD
H50 W44 M17 yrs S15 D11 D10 Bomb 4/09 Trial separation/moved out 9/09 Moved back in 12/29/09
I have been doing quite a bit of soul searching. I will update my sitch soon. The short story is my wife and I our piecing. But it is hard, so hard to simply, trust. This is my struggle.
I agree completely, the A must end. You must draw a line. Essentially, the chem test will r/o a sexual A. Still, there could be an EA. Either way, you've got to let her know the fantasy must end or there will be real world consquences. (Obviosly, this is not the text book formulation.)
If you decide to stay married, the threat of exposure may be particullarly effective with your wife. As I recall, she had some feelings of moving away to avoid the consequences of everyone in the community learning of her trasgressions. You may want to consider that as a consequence of her breaching the boundry you assert. Just a thought.
I know how you feel and where you are at right now. It sucks! You want to punish, forgive, leave and stay. Its confusing and hurts terribly. As best you can, do something to take your mind off of it, even if only for a few minutes. I also understand this is virtually impossible. Also, as best you can, remember, you are the one on terra firma, she is the one thrashing about in the water.
YOU WILL NOT GUESS WHO CALLED ME TODAY!!!!! THE OM WIFE!!!!! She found out where I worked and had me paged. I had a long conversation with her. My W has another phone and they had a tryst this weekend as I suspected. The OM wife has kicked him out of the house. She found out this weekend. He planned on a golf trip in Phoenix and forgot his clubs the back of the truck. She found his cell records. She caught him lying.
A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel so good right now. It wasn’t me after all. She is the demon in all of this!!!
What do I need to do now and how do I confront her with this? I don’t want to kick her out. I might just pretend that I don’t know.
He has 3 kids around my kids age. His wife is devastated. He says that he is in love with her. They have a long history together and were highschool sweethearts. First love. He got her pregnant in HS and they had to get an abortion..... Sheesh.
I NEED HELP FROM ALL OF YOU NOW.
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
If you can, WAIT to confront. This is the time for you to gather hard evidence - cell records, computer keyloggers, if you can afford it, hire a PI. You can also buy a voice activated recorder and put it under the seat of her car. You'll have to remove it and change batteries every day. You'll get good phone convo's as she talks to OM from her car. Be ready though, all if this info is very painful. You need to decide if you're ready to know the truth right now. If the answer is no, you wait until you're ready.
I waited three months to confront -- waited for all my hard evidence, and until I had a PLAN.
Watch contact w/OM's W - and under no circumstances do you contact OM. He is a very low person and beneath your consideration.
Also, more focus than ever on you and your children. She's in full blown A fog, and is beyond your reach or control.
Others will chime in soon - have you read Puppy's posts?
