What can I do to save my marriage? Help

[SpyBunny]

I have to trust her. Without trust, I have no marriage.

Trust has to be earned. Has she done anything to earn your trust back after her recent behavior? It doesn't seem like it- she wants to you to trust her based solely on her word. Remember Ronald Reagan's view on it?- trust, but verify.

When I pressed her not to go a few weeks ago she said " You are shooting yourself in the foot. How do you know that I might get there and miss you"

Classic manipulation on her part. She's a master at it. And you're worried about manipulating her?

She knows what will happen if she divorces me... I will start going out with the $luts she is talking about. I don't think she wants that.

Nope, she doesn't want anybody else to have you. She wants you to herself, and to have her fun too. And she doesn't really know what will happen if you divorce- she has no clue other than what her fantasy is.

She needs to make the effort to change tho too.

Has she even started working on that or are you supposed to just believe her?

It sounds like you're setting yourself up for a big fall, Doc. Please be careful.

Bunny

[gucci loafer]

It isn't a question of IF you are wrong...

You ARE wrong. WRONG.......

You are in denial Tridoc... Just as a patient with cancer that won't go to the Doctor because he fears the worst...


You are WRONG... Which puts you on the WRONG path, which puts you on the wrong solution, which puts you on a longer timeline, which is making you do nothing but waste more time....

Do you run your pratice this way? I hope not.. Do you allow your patients to tell you what prescriptions they need? If you tell them what they need do you allow them to say to you "well, I may be wrong Doc, but I am going to take what I feel is best. I don't think you are right and I need to trust myself or I will have no health"


How sad

[Greek]

Apparently my W had done some research on the women that I was texting and told me all that was wrong with them....$luts. “I don’t want my children around them”.she said, “Oh really, I better stay away from them?” I said.

Later, I said “you really don’t want a divorce do you.” I told her that I wasn’t pursuing it either and that threw her a bit... “You mean everything we spoke about in Cancun is off” I said “yep”. She seemed kind of pissed then went to her room for the night. Her behavior which had been nice to me suddenly changed. “I wish you would make up your mind. I can’t figure you out. You are nice to me sometimes then your not.”

When I told Coach I was having second thoughts about D, he was not PISSED. So your W's reaction is puzzling to me based on my experience. When Coach and I had the 'calling off the D' talk, there was a lot of thoughtful talk about how to go forward. Not PISSED and retiring for the night. Puzzling and a red flag IMO.

I felt compelled at that time to write her a letter and tell her what really I felt. I told her that the old marriage was dead. I told her that the old Tridoc was dead. I was now committed to change for a lifetime. I trust her. My goals are.

1.To let my guidance will come from God.

2.To be the best father that I can be.

3.To provide her with unconditional love. ( I know it has taken a long time to get to the point where you are now, and I am willing to do this for the rest of my life) I expect nothing in return.

4.To be a man and not a fourth child and be someone who she can trust to protect her.

If she wanted to pursue a divorce, I would respect her choice, but I was not going to contribute to it.

I said a few other things and I told her that I was sorry for texting those women and that it was wrong and I would never do it again. She kept the letter in her drawer. Wouldn’t she throw it out if she didn’t care?

On the heels of what you had just said about not pursuing a D, wouldn't she want to talk to you about what you poured out in that letter? But she didn't. That says "I don't care".

Yesterday, she went to Phoenix for her marathon trip. I put a card in her case with a good luck wish from me and all the kids. I texted her to call or text me when she got in. No response. I called the hotel to see if she checked in and she didn’t check in until 11:00pm. I was connected to the room and didn’t get an answer, her plane got in at 7:45pm. I found a printed boarding pass for that plane in the trash in her room. Confusing??? I never heard from her until 6 the next morning. Text ...“ I made it in last night. The hotel is cool. Everything’s good. Thanks for checking”.

Hold the phone - RED FLAG. Esp. if when you ask her about this, you don't get a reasonable explanation. When I show up in a city to run a marathon, the 1st thing I do is make sure my hotel is squared away - then I go to pick up my race pack. The hotel has to be first b/c if I don't have a place to lay my head that night, no running for me the next day. And no contact with you or her kids - NO CONTACT - until the next morning. I know you say you trust her - you really don't which is why you were checking behind her - but Doc! Doc! Doc! This is not the behavior of a woman who is trying to put her M back together. It looks more like trying to get away with something. And I'm sorry - I so hope I'm wrong - but good grief I just don't understand how I could be, given what you've told us.

I called her and had a short conversation after the text. She said her phone was still in airplane mode last night. I don’t believe her. Every time a plane lands she always switches it on. I since have texted her a picture of the kids “We miss you” at lunch without a response.
[quote]
I have been concerned about her having a tryst in Phoenix ever since she made those plans back in Oct. and she knows it. She wouldn’t change the plans despite me being on call all weekend and she had to find a number of people to watch and take care of our kids. I thought this was irresponsible and a bit selfish, but that’s just me.

So if I was in the mode of putting my M back together and I KNEW my H had concerns about a scheduled trip, I would make sure to be in contact w/ H along the way to make sure his fears were addressed by my openess. I would do that b/c I want to restore trust and b/c I want to love my H in a way that is meaningful to him. I would NOT NOT NOT behave as she did. And again, that's just me - but I am a woman, I did walk away, and I have pieced a M back together so I think I know what it looks like.

There are no further trips planed and I feel that this is the ultimate test of trust.

Damn right it is and that is why you need to know all about this trip.

She seemed so upset about me meeting up for coffee with some women, and exclaimed “ not until you are divorced” I can’t possibly understand how she would be doing anything herself. She seems to feel so strongly about it and has been brought up with Christian boundaries.

She didn't have any problem keeping her Christian values compartmentalized when she was having the A you busted her on. And she doesn't seem to have any problem compartmentalizing the hypocrisy of her rants about you talking to other women. She sounds like a petulant child, Doc - not a woman.

Now a MLC...... It seems to make sense??? Next phase.

Perhaps MLC. You'd be lucky if that's it. My money is on an affair. Sorry but that's how it looks to me.

Greek

[Sleepy]

I just got a text from her with her time for the race. That was it. I had just finished with a C Section and called her right away to discuss her time and congratulate her. She didn't answer her phone. This is the only contact she has initiated the entire weekend.

I sincerely want to believe her but, I have the same feelings all of you do. I can't deny it. My counselor told me to get a PI, and it would have cost me 2 grand or so. I want so much to trust her, but based on her lack of contact and indifference. I don't know what to think.

I asked you guys weeks ago about this trip and you all recommended that she go. I would have pressed to stop it otherwise.

If I found out this was true, she would be out on her ass without anything. If she files, she will be out on her ass too. I won't tolerate this.

Let me know how I should handle this from here on out. I am going to stay detached but just do kind things now and then. I am on call and most likely will be off tomorrow. The kids are off too, she will be working.

The lack of contact on her part really hurts. I thought if she was having an affair she would contact more to hide the issue. I would do that if it were me.

What do you all think?

[Sleepy]

Here's a letter I want to give her when she returns.

Mrs Tridoc,

I am very disappointed in your behavior this weekend. I know you want me to trust you but you did nothing to improve that trust this weekend. Instead, you made matters worse for yourself!!

On Friday evening, you didn’t answer your phone or return phone calls. I called the hotel and you hadn’t checked in until 11 p.m. or so. If your plane landed at 7:45, where were you? I was worried about you. When they rang your room you weren’t there.

When you texted me in the morning and when we spoke, you told me that phone was in airplane mode. I know better than that, you always turn on your phone when the plane lands.

Why was the Southwest boarding pass for your flight in the trash?

You know how I felt about this trip. If you wanted me to trust you I would think that you would have made greater efforts to communicate with me and the kids, but there was nothing. Instead, you selfishly pawned the kids off on your mother and other people while I worked and you had your “fun weekend”

I will not tolerate this and it won’t happen again.

I see no effort from you to work on this marriage which is in trouble. I am not totally to blame for the meltdown but I am trying to make an effort to work on my misgivings. If you want a divorce, just file and leave. The kids and I will be fine without you.

[davidswife]

Don't give her that letter.

She doesn't care that you were worried about her, that you don't trust her or that you're disappointed in her. She doesn't care about you or your marriage right now. She's deep into an affair, and that's where her priorities are. Sad, but true.

Others will weigh in, but it's needy, pursuing -- and then you're telling her that her taking another trip will not happen again. Whether she takes another trip is NOT your decision - controlling.

It's ok to write a letter and get stuff off of your chest, but then throw it away.

Just my $.02.

Sorry, I know how much this hurts.

[SpyBunny]

Ditto. Write then destroy the letter.

Continue working on yourself (180's and GAL) and taking care of your kids. She's on her own, nothing you can say to her will change her mind or heart. What you were doing before is what started getting her attention, get back to that.

[NoLongerHere]

Agree, don't send. What do you think the response would be, and would it match your goals? Good to get the feelings out, but that's for you -

[DDogs]

Don't give her that letter.

She doesn't care that you were worried about her, that you don't trust her or that you're disappointed in her. She doesn't care about you or your marriage right now. She's deep into an affair, and that's where her priorities are. Sad, but true.

Others will weigh in, but it's needy, pursuing -- and then you're telling her that her taking another trip will not happen again. Whether she takes another trip is NOT your decision - controlling.

It's ok to write a letter and get stuff off of your chest, but then throw it away.

Just my $.02.

Sorry, I know how much this hurts.

Tridoc,

I agree, do not send that letter. There is no need to explain you think shes having a PA,,,you know it and SHE knows it... you'd just be coming across as needy,(an issue I know from early in my sitch).

Just act..go see you attorney and start getting you bases covered.... Let me repeat myself, go get your attorney and get your bases covered..!!

I had several close friends counsel me thru the early stage of my WAW and I chose to not listen to their protective advise an gave the W the benefit of the doubt. Wrong tactic! You can always throttle back, but she is cake eating and game playing... you need actions here doc, not words in a letter

[Lotus]

Doc,

You can't go from one extreme to the other. You wrote the first letter saying that you trust her. You can't flip-flop to the other extreme with this "I checked up on you and know you are lying" letter. So, you sent the first letter, which was too extreme in that direction, now what are you going to do?

You can print more than one SW boarding pass. i've done it before. That doesn't really mean anything. Besides, by printing it she checked in for the flight, so that seems to confirm that she was still planning to go to Phoenix at the time she printed it. And only an idiot would throw it away in the house if she were planning to fly somewhere else. i think she went to Phoenix and ran the race. Do I think she met a lover there? That possibility exists.

As to your statement that a lack of trust will undermine your marriage. You are 100% correct in that. Trust is essential, as is forgiveness. I think you can non-chalantly ask about her trip and get answers to some of your questions. But showing that you did your own detective work will be harmful. This is a longterm thing. If she is having an affair there will be other signs, you don't need to confront her when she comes back from this trip.