I am a 47 yo male physician with 3 children, twin girls 13 and a 9 yo son. Married 15 years. I never thought this could happen to me. I have provided well for my family which I “thought” was my major role. I have been faithful to my wife and love her dearly and never, myself, would even consider an affair.
My wife is a stay at home Mom, 40 yo. Two months ago, I found out that she was having an affair. Things just didn’t seem right and I checked her cell phone records (multiple long calls, and texts) then confronted her. She admitted that it was her former high school boyfriend (first love). She just said that she had lunch with him a few times. He made her feel young again and she felt safe with him. After I discovered this, she turned 180 degrees. She became evil. She says that she has never loved me and this marriage was a mistake. She is mean and hateful towards me no matter how nice and kind I am to her. I began to suspect that much more was happening.
She said she broke off the relationship and no longer sees nor talks to him. I am having a hard time trusting her.
I admit that I haven’t been the ideal husband, I am self absorbed. I work long hours. I am a high achiever and I go all out in my hobbies. I am an Ironman triathlete ( so is she). Our kids our involved in multiple activities and there has been no time for “us” for a long time. Things started to go downhill after the kids were born. Her affection for me started to dwindle. I later ended up putting career and my hobbies before my family and instead of stepping up and seeing what I could do, I pulled away. I take full responsibility for this happening. She said I was “having an affair with myself” Some of the advice on this board says.. get a life. I had one. Now I am focusing on what is important. We have never sought out counseling, and I thought things were as good as they get at this stage in a marriage. This event came as a huge shock to me.
Immediately after I found out, I quit my triathlon hobby, didn’t go to the World Championships as scheduled, and am in the process of selling all my equipment. I have turned to religion as my savior which helps me cope with all of this. I have been reading all I can on relationships and I am focusing all my free time on my kids and trying to save my marriage. I have used the “Love Dare” as a guide, but I don’t think a cookbook is the answer. Through this experience, I have become more thoughtful and giving and less selfish. I have been reading C.S. Lewis books which have helped me immensely. She thinks I’m a nut, a psychopath. In the past, I have been able to work hard and achieve any goal that I set my mind to. I realize that this one is quite a bit different because it involves another persons will. No matter how hard I try...Nothing works.
Word has got out in our small community about this and it is making me look like a saint and she looks bad. This has pissed her off even more. I confided in a few friends and it was my fault that the word got out. The rumor mill has probably painted the worst picture. She just wants to crawl into a hole. She seems to think that this was my plan all along... To ruin her. “I am grandstanding to show what a great guy I am”, but nothing could be further from the truth. I just want to focus on what is really important in my life. I can’t even touch her now. She pulls away.
Now that I have a better relationship with my children, she thinks that I am manipulating them against her. I talk to her friends and try to find out what I can do, but she thinks I am trying to turn them against her too. She believes that my greater interest in religion similar to that of a prisoner on death row asking for last minute repentance. Everything I do is wrong. I am so frustrated.
She is very high strung and most of the time yells at me when I am trying to do things domestically around the house to help out. She tries to criticize my efforts. I suppose she wants me to stop. All I am trying to do is make her life easier. I keep doing them. I suppose I am frustrating her more.
I work long hours and when I get home I spend time with the kids and help out doing household chores. She sarcastically calls me “Mr. Fun Guy”. I don’t understand it. She said I didn’t participate that much in the kids lives, now that I do, she resents it. I have become a better parent too. I don’t have time for exercise and frankly I don’t even feel like doing anything anyway. I get the feeling that she doesn’t have any respect for me.
When I seem to give in to the fact that I will go through with a divorce she is nice and calm, but when I tell her that I will fight to the last breath, she gets very angry. She says that “I don’t respect her decision”. Last weekend she hit me multiple times in the head and almost destroyed the James Dobson book I was reading (she gave me) that spoke of the effects of divorce on kids. I just stood there and took it. I have never ever hit her and I never raise my voice. She hit me so hard that she thought that she fractured something in her hand. I took her into the hospital and had one of my hand surgeon buddies look at it and xray it immediately. It was OK.
I am seeing a counselor, but she refuses to. I got her to go, reluctantly, to a few sessions, but she refuses to listen to any criticism he gives her. “It’s all my fault”. She says she doesn’t have time to go to counseling and would rather” jump off a cliff”. My counselor tells me that he hasn’t seen anyone as “hell bent on destroying a marriage”. She is unrelenting.
Currently, I am sleeping in another portion of the house and she has the master bedroom. We still see each other in the main portion of the house, but after the kids go to bed she slips away and hides in the bedroom. She hides there a lot. She says she can’t stand to be in the same room with me. I told her that if she wants to leave that bad that she can walk at anytime but she won’t. How can things just change like this in a number of weeks?
She recently got a part time job. She says “so I won’t worry about what she is doing” I brought her lunch the other day and she thought I did it because I wanted to “check up on her”. I reality, I was doing it because I love her.
Presently, we are stuck in our home financially ( most of our money is tied up in the house) and the market isn’t moving. She can’t leave because she doesn’t want to uproot or leave the kids. She feels trapped and frustrated in her situation. She is cleaning the house up and getting it ready to sell and she wants to put it on the market in the spring. This is not my choice, but time is on my side. I suspect I will be getting served with papers after Christmas.
I want to work on my marriage but I can’t do it alone. I am asking for help and suggestions from all of you out there to help me in my seemingly hopeless situation. I don’t think she is still having an affair and her current anger is mainly generated towards my past behavior and what she has conjured up in her mind.
I love my wife and I am willing to do anything to save my marriage and my family. What can I do to help her come around and at least work with me on this? I feel that if I can get her into counseling willingly that we can resolve our problems and our situation. However, she says that doing any exercises in a book just takes the life from her like being she is being suffocated. Is this really hopeless? Where do I start? Everything I do is wrong. How do I handle this?
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
TD, You have your hands full - welcome to DB. Lots of work to do, You have to think thru this to work it. Off the cuff here are some things to do until things get "normal."
- stop trying to please her - housework, giving up your hobbies
- read up on boundaries
- you need to do intel to see if she is still in the affair, her words are not good enough
- don't confide in friends, friends give comfort and support your thinking (DB your friends and family)
- don't believe what she says and only part of what she does (don't try to rationalize the irrational)
- learn how to validate her (doesn't mean you agree but understand) use your bedside manner - compassion
- you are right she doesn't respect you, women don't love men they don't respect - this needs to become a goal: earn her respect back
Read other threads to see what works and what doesn't. You want responses then chime in on others threads, open your mind and implement the advice given here and do your homework. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Coach is on the scene so not much I will say except that I am sorry that you are here and you will get much good advice here. I do have to say that I would reconsider giving up your tri hobby and selling the gear. I know that training for tris can be consuming but physical activity is one of the most healthy ways to deal with the stress that you are going through. Moderate it but don't give it up IMHO. I am an avid road cyclist and it has really helped me deal with my sitch.
Thanks Coach and Junco for your responses. I think the random acts of kindness routine was a bit too much. I need to be sincere and be myself. I am starting to exercise again but it is hard to get out the door. I feel a lot better when I do tho.
I think my new approach will be calm and indifferent. I will continue to do nice things but not go overboard. I don't want to be a doormat.
She says her life is an open book. She still doesn't think I trust her and she is sensitive about when she thinks I am checking up on her. She has an office email and phone now with her new job. I can't check those. But I am trying to not dwell on that. It really bothers her that I have a lack of trust. Who could blame me..
Thanks for the support and kind words
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Hi Tridoc... I say that the second that she struck you- all bets were off. Dont let her get away with that kind of thing. Was there a record of the visit to the doc and the reason behind it? You need to document that kind of thing. No one on here wants you to rush off and get a D, but you need to be preparing yourself to protect yourself and your kids if it comes to that.
You stop doing anything that will help her. Keep up on your domestic duties, but you dont do anything to make her life easier.
Respect is going to be huge here. Treat her the way that she deserves. If she is nasty to you, dont be nasty back, but absolutely dont be nice to her.
Dont do things that will make you look like a doormat, and dont let her yell at you, if she starts to yell and get upset, tell her that you wont be spoken to like that and leave to conversation.
Like Coach said, you need to earn your respect back here.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
TT and BR thanks. My therapist told me to call the police. I did and regretted it and tried to cancel the call, but they came anyway. She was shocked when they showed up at the door. I didn't file any report but I just talked to the officer about domestic violence. She crossed the line and she was so sorry that she did. I suppose that didn't do much for my respect there, but she said she will never hit me again.
I think there is a big driving force (OM) out there pushing for her to split. I just think why would she be so intent to destroy our family.
She has a trip planed to Phoenix to run a marathon in January. She has been planning for this before I found out. I told her that I didn't think that it was the right time to take a trip by herself but she said that she has been training for this for such a long time. She will only be gone 48 hrs. I caved and said OK. Is this the right thing to do?
Me:49 W: 41 Kids=D14/D14/S10 Married: 15 Together: 16 Bomb: 08/26/09 Currently: separated but in the different houses.
Yes, let her go. No need to engage in extra battles with her. Your sitch sounds a lot like Thinker's. So you might want to read the history of his threads.
You won't win by being nice to her. Ask yourself why she is still there. She claims to be so unhappy. Why doesn't she leave? She is staying for reasons that make the marriage desirable to her, maybe economic support. You will only get a reaction from her when you show her that her behavior is jeopardizing her life choice. Let her know that if she is free to leave. If she chooses to stay, then she needs to act appropriately. Demand things of her. Don't let her be a spoiled teenager sulking in her room, distaining the people around her who make her life of luxury possible.
