I have had some wierd issues with my H. I believe it is a MLC. For 20 YEARS, we lived a pretty 95% calm, everyday life. At 40, he found a "dear, dear" friend at work (a 35 yr old divorce) then all hell broke loose. It started with 6 weeks of him refusing to talk to me until I change..... I of course was blindsided and could not beleive he would do this.
He said I was "going to change" if I wanted it or not. He antagonised our kid until she would lose her mind with anger, and I was always called in to ref. I started saying "leave me out of it". Because HE would not listen to me, anyway. He was very childish in these arguments then pull out the "I'm the dad, that's why" card.
There were HUGE blowups, and I have still not forgiven him for everything. Most of them 100% stupidity that only caused stress and pain.
Since he has done things like: 1. writing Catholic e cards (God really wants me to forgive, you know- only sinners don't forgive) but I found him looking at "catholic singles dating sites for 30 min after the ecard was sent (he thinks nothing of this because he did not register as a person on the site, but I was crushed)
2. He "secretly" audio recorded me during fights (to prove something to someone?). Promised he would never do this again, then was caught doing it again. Then again. (there is no point to this, I mean legal value). Now I ask for the recorder, he says I can't have it. He says I have nothing to fear, he will never do this again (until I catch him again I guess)
I mean... WHO does things like this? I have known him 25 years, he never did these stunts before.
I am embarrassed to even write about them on other marriage sites. Everyone else says "get rid on him".
I believe he is in MLC. Is this WEIRD behavior normal? TWO IC counselors think he is a horrible spouse and friend, but MOST IC or MC'rs dont buy into MLC, they just want spoust to "straigten up".
He tells stupid lies? Is this normal? WHY? He fights with DD17. She is so mad at him she leaves when he enters room. I don't blame her.
He says he loves me and wants the marriage. But of course everything is MY fault because "I can't forgive and get over it". He is SUPER religious now, and still sanctimoneous (but also an internet porn fan) I DON'T GET IT!
I mean, I wish there was a physical affair or OW -- THAT would make sense. NOTHING he does makes sense for a grown up man.
My last IC (who was supposed to help me get over the PTSD, depression and anxiety attacks) Thinks HE is the reason everything is going on. He does not think much of my H, either, thinks I should dump his childish, selfish a$$.
I'm sorry you're going through all this. Yes, it all sounds very familiar for a spouse in MLC. Essentially, this is a person who was not allowed to grow up fully during his formative years, and now needs to go through teenaged rebellion, etc. Are you familiar with how teenagers behave and think? My 13-year old has periods where he's moody and overly emotional, when everything is my fault and will argue interminably even though what he says makes no logical sense. Most MLCers are stuck using their teenage brains, hence their childishness and contradictions.
At the same time, the MLCer tends to be going through a depression (often because of the loss of a parent or friend or a personal health crisis--did your H experience this?) which drops their seratonin levels to the point that their brain is not functioning normally.
Now you've found this place, use it to discover that you are not alone. If you read the stories and particularly the resources, you will find that there are strategies which can help you ride the MLC storm by learning to protect yourself.
Well, I am a teacher and I understand that a child who has repressive or overly controlling parents lies or becomes secretly deceptive. (they learn this as a survival skill)
My H's family was terribly oppressive, all 3 of his siblings, lie like rugs and cheat (I thought he was going to be different!) and he was, for 25 years.
He is so sanctimoneous, he makes me hate church (religious ferver is a MLC trait for some) I can't trust a word out of his mouth (example: Do you talk to your brothers poorly about me? HIM: OH NO! we Never talk about you! I kind him emailing my personal letters to him to this bro) WHAT! But will he EVER "have my back?"
How can I move forward while I am peeking over my shoulder to see where the knife is. (not real knife)
It is just so stupid. I do OK for awhile, (we live together) then I trigger and I can't stand to see or hear him. Due to his "stunts" I have anxiety, PTSD and depression. I take Welbutrin, but it does not fix everything.
His children hate him. He thinks he is Ward Cleaver to the outside world.
If your H was a better man for 25 years, chances are that once his crisis is over he will be again.
Meanwhile, however, you have to learn not to take everything personally. (Believe me, this is NOT easy, but a wonderful life skill.) Try to treat him as you would a stranger--cordial, cheerful, keep it short. If he's really trying to stick that metaphorical knife into you, don't give him a chance--end phone calls and conversations with a breezy "Gotta go," leave the room or the house if necessary, and really focus on what you need to have control over: you.
If you haven't already, order Michelle's books and read them for tips. Also, there is a resources section here that has invaluable information on all the charming behaviours that come with MLC.
I am also new on this forum and on the MLC journey.
One of the best things I did as Cyrena suggested, was get a bit of control back, not take things personally as they are in their own hell and detach from his life to save my sanity. None of it comes easily but with practice it gets easier to do.
Try and do things for yourself that your H won't expect. They think they know us so a slight change makes them look up!
Here we went and put the christmas decorations up which H usually does. He was so suprised when he visited the children and asked who had done them. I could see that he didn't expect us to cope and we had.
I still love him and I am watching and waiting. But I need to look forward as well which I am now trying to do. There are no guarantees but I am always hopeful at this point.
It doesw sound like your H may be in mlc his behavior vertainly fits and his age
the MLCer does lie a lot they usually have an affair they spend everything in sight I would keep a VERY close eye on the money dont wiah for the physical affair..they may pull him right out of the M so if you want to wait it out and he is at home I would read many of the sites here and posters to learn how to deal with MLC and at the same time work on your self IC is great many of us fins a speiritual/religious way to help us be pleasant to H cordial upbeat validate him but at the same time be aware of what is relly going on and waht he is doing especially the money bolls credit cards be there for the kids he will not be a good father during the crises the crises coulf last anywhere from 2-7 tears from what ive read My xh is out there 3 full years since the age of 40 He married OW went in debt is on unemplyment and doesnt contac tthe kids anymore this is froma man who had a sucessfull business and was a good father for all the years Ive known him, he was careful with money and never cheated until MLC Good luck to you peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Currently my H is contacting the children less, spending loads of money resulting in no money in the bank and maxed credit cards, lying and being deceitful.
He was also a good father and successful business man. The business I worry about as I don't believe it can take the financial pressure it is taking at the moment. Even if I talk to him about the business I doubt he will listen.
Your H is stuck in MLC land and in his tunnel. It is all about him not anyone else. That's what makes it difficult for spouces waiting for the outcome.
Being selfish, lying and being deceitful are all part of the course. He may have hours or days when he is more rational. He is more likely to walk his path without giving you a thought.
Only you can decide whether you wish to stand. It's early days yet. No one knows how it will go. Men who come back will be different as will you and your marriage. It will be better as you will both have been on a journey of self discovery.
If your IC understands about MLC he should know about the symptoms. Read all you can about it. Knowledge is power. When you have the knowledge then you will be able to make a decision about whether you wait and how long.
