NC - W vanished ...

[P17]

Previous thread was locked for some reason ... anyway, here is my reply!

Sorry but I don't understand...did you expect that she was going to talk to you during your NC?Or that she would have "woken up" by now?

I'm not actually sure what I expected to be honest - I hadn't expected her to wake up though or end the A - as I said I think that will be in place for a long time. I didn't expect she would go to all out to remove every trace of her from her life.

Looking at it, and what I say about these things being a power game, I feel my power is slipping and I feel the M, the R and W are all slipping away.

Yes she is in the fog of the affair, that is for sure!

I know I am being thick, but I just don't see it. I don't even think she sees this as an A to be honest. She left and started a new relationship. I think that's how she sees it.

I imagine that people haven't said that because, at least for me, I thought it was obvious that she is in a daze!

Probably. It was, and still is a bad day(s). I don't see the daze though.

And I wanted to add that although you don't think she has seen your improvements, she has because you told us you used to cave in and be all talk and little follow through (rewording but I think that's the gist!). Well you have been NC for a solid month. You made her go to IM in another town to get her Christmas stuff! (bravo!) so some of your actions are definitely shining through to her.

I'll bet she sees that as me being stubborn, childish and awkward though rather than strong, determined and following through.

The only thing I think she is showing is a huff because of D's car seat. The car seat isn't important, but the sitch with it is. She ignored IM twice requesting it (by text and through OM) which is kind of out of character as, you know, it's a kids car seat. It's important. Apparently it is still in her car. That shows me she is in a huff. Not sure why, but she is. She is most likely ticking two fingers up and saying 'if wants to play games so will I'.

On top of that, it sounds like information gets to her from people at the shop, right? Or facebook or your MIL. So your GAL is getting to her.

Sort of I suppose.

**I wanted to add that when you do see your MIL, be sure to be charming and happy and looking good because it will definitely get back to W!

Oh, that I will That will be an interesting game (which is what I see it as) ... I imagine it will be a like Sonic The Hedgehog (you know the game where the hedgehog runs around and collects the gold coins (if you don't this will be lost on you) but I will hear the little coin collecting noise each time I DB MIL Makes me smile anyway.

MIL has left two voicemails for me this morning. Haven't listened to them yet.

If you want to move on and file for D, set a date and then see if you still feel like it when the date arrives. I actually had a quick fantasy that all of us on here would make a pact to file for D by choosing the same date and say good riddance! (BUt then I remembered that I don't want to go from man to man looking for WH in all of them)

I have a sort of deadline in my head of April next year - that will be 8 months since OM moved in and also it's my wedding anniversary during that month. Would it be good for her to get her papers served to her on our anniversary ...

[P17]

Sorry my friend. I did take the time to think those out. If I offened you in anyway please let me know. In wine truth. My friend.

Cutter, you didn't offend me in any way and I should be apologising to you for making you think you did. I really didn't mean for things to come across the way they did. Everybody on here helps me, and we all help each other. It's an incredible place and I would hate for people to think that I am a petulant child who didn't appreciate it. I was having a bad day, but that is an excuse - there are no excuses. My apologies.

Keep up this work. This is all for you. And only you. And what is good for you is good for your little girl.

It is good for me. As I said on another thread this is the best thing I've done since the S.

As an example, today when driving D back to school after lunch (she comes here for lunch on a Friday) I put the Shrek soundtrack on and listened to All Star - it reminded me of when D was 2-3 and we used to put that on as loud as we could and sing the chorus and she started singing away to it. I cried a little but of sorrow and happiness now sadness. Sorrow that W isn't here to see this. Sorrow that D is step-mumless. Happiness that I can do this stuff. Happiness that I am reconnecting with my D and getting a second chance at that. Happiness that I would rather be on this side of the A than hers as she will never get these moments again - I will always have them. You can't buy that stuff. It's precious.

Thanks again cutter. I always enjoy hearing from you. And I'M sorry if I offended you.

[P17]

So P what set you off ? What was the trigger for this cycle?

The final trigger was the photo (which I haven't even seen) on W's FB page with the caption 'Me and my man'. I think it's been building for a while. I notice the patterns of these things - happens about once a week at the moment, sometimes worse (as in yesterday) than others.

I think what happens is that the 'I don't care' attitude actually doesn't fool the heart and it just files away the things that 'I don't care' about until the bag get's too full and out they all come.

I want you to notice how long this one lasts. I am guessing you will start rowing again quicker than before.

You know, I think you're going to be right cutter. It's still here today sadly. I was thinking about how to express how it feels. I see it as a knife in my heart - that was pushed in at the S, then pushed all the way in at the A. Every time something happens, or I hear something, see something etc. it's like somebody just twists the knife a little - sometimes it twists more than others. Sometimes they give it a damn good shake (like yesterday). The pain is always there (the knife) and I hope to remove it sometime in the future but it will need to taken out slowly.

I ended up spending tonight talking to a highschool friend who suffered an affair. And she spent the last few years doing them on other people. She has no male friends so I said I would be her first.
I gave her, her first boundary.

That must have felt good? Setting a boundary with somebody else. I have set a few and by and large they are adhered to. I need to man up and set a few more and enforce the existing ones a bit more.

I told her that I could be the first person she tries a boundary out on. And I also told her she should check out this site.
Add that on to the conversation with ladybugs cus... 90 minutes of truthdarts.

LOL ... I do the same. The conversation usually turns around to W at some point

P.S. mama and P go help our friend avermont out.

Will check it out.

[newmama]

I know I am being thick, but I just don't see it. I don't even think she sees this as an A to be honest. She left and started a new relationship. I think that's how she sees it.

THEY ALL try to justify it! That's why it's the fog because they are so dense that they don't see the reality of the situation. Here is a sample "formula:"

WS starts acting distant, moody. They may be picking on the BS. They seem to put up a wall.
WS says things like ILYBINILWY, why did we get married, do you ever think you could be happier with someone else, what do we have in common anymore, etc.They rewrite the marriage history.
WS asks for a separation to "sort things out" and have some space.
WS suddenly has a new lover--whoa, how did they meet in 4 days? THEY DIDN'T.

My wife decided she wanted a six month separation and told me on 2 August about it.

During the time between 2 August and 7 September we continued to live together...Those 5 weeks were absolute hell and a lot was said, particularly by me about how much hurt, anger and upset I was feeling.

On 6 September, the day before she moved out I found out she had been texting another man that I had been suspicious of all along. She was having an EA with him that I think was probably also physical.

Sorry to rehash just wanted to point out how it fit with the formula.

I think what happens is that the 'I don't care' attitude actually doesn't fool the heart and it just files away the things that 'I don't care' about until the bag get's too full and out they all come.

This is a great analogy. I have been there several times. I'm nervous about going to a New Year's party at my friend's house this year because 1)New Years last year at her house with WH was when I found out about the affair. 2) I will be the only "estranged" wife i.e. "single" person. So I'm worried it will all build up and combined with alcohol will be disastrous.

[chatterbug]

Newmama. Don't get drunk. Enjoy friendship. And at midnight. Smile and think. I survived the worst year of my life. And look at how I am improving. And say happy new year to yourself. Then us.

P17

2x4.

REFLECT not DWELL.
I hope your writting. If not please start. You need to track your progress. I know your doing it here in posts. But to actually write it out is very different. You get to give yourself truthdarts.



The reoccuring Thursdays. Why is it that all this weird stuff happens on Thursdays?
Yesterday was 3 months for me since I last saw ladybug.

Did not even realize it until it was pointed out.

So today is a good day right?

Did you go for your walk?

What are your plans for the weekend ?

I am going out with two mates tonight. Dinner , pints and sports. Should be good.

Tomorrow going to watch some EPL and clean the house and at night I am going to a xmas party. Good friends , good food , good company.
Sunday FIL and I are going out for his birthday. He is a good man.

Hopefully this cycle lasts just a few days.

Take Care.

[newmama]

Part 2 of the WS "formula" (can't think of the right synonym!):

So, while the WS is with the OP...
-starts off exciting, exclusive, 2 lovers against the world!
-the A is exposed, but they hold on...they will be brave and stay together, no matter the odds against them! (Romeo and Juliet)
-the WS finds themself trying to adjust to not having the same relationship with their family and trying to establish new memories and traditions with the OP
-the WS is insecure with the OP, worried the OP will cheat on them
-the OP stops working so hard to woo the WS because "they have them"
-the OP gets tired of having to reassure the WS
-if there are kids, the OP gets tired of sharing their time with the WS because of the kids
-the WS starts to miss their old life but fights it off, they start to realize that their new life with the OP doesn't bring them the happiness they expected
-the WS compares the OP to the BS, starts to wonder about the BS and thinks fondly of them
-the OP gets insecure and is worried the WS will go back to BS
-the OP pressures WS for divorce from BS...what's taking so long?
-the relationship ends in some way
-the WS looks up the BS; reaches out

Now if BS has established NC, then the WS is at first free to engage in the A without being reminded of the guilt. But the story plays out the same. Many argue that the A ends faster because the WS doesn't get to "eat cake" by staying in touch with BS.

All FWS who have shared their story claim they never stopped loving BS

With my WH and his exW, she "never looked back" for 3 years because she got married and had kids with the OM. But the same thing happened regarding missing her life with WH.

With my SIL's exH, he viciously pursued D (like DBD's H) and then threw the relationship in SIL's face because "she had to get used to this reality"
SIL begged, pleaded, cried, fought back. Her exH ended his relationship with OW 9 months after it began but was too proud to go back to SIL. He decided to play the field and live the bachelor life (even though he still had his boys and stayed in touch but at first he wasn't as involved with them). 6 months after "playing the field" he started to become nicer to my SIL, and she became suspicious. Meanwhile, she had met a nice fellow. After a few months of him knowing she was with the new guy, he told her he wanted to work things out. She told her boyfriend and they ended their relationship. Her exH wasn't able to do the hard work involved and bailed.She went back to her boyfriend. 6 months later, he tries again to get her back. She discovers she is willing to try and her new boyfriend had some major baggage that was starting to concern her anyway. So from July to present, they are taking it slow, still divorced, but having date nights and he is in IC and they are spending time with the boys together as a family each weekend. He wants to marry her again.

So those are 2 scenarios. It took more than 6 months for the WS to "wake up" even with NC and D.

[chatterbug]

You know what P17 I am going to title my new thread the same.

NC - W vanished ...

But you know what. I read it completely differently.

Two meanings. Same words.

!!!!!!!!!

[newmama]

Cutter, who cares what you call your thread, just start it already!

But I'm trying to figure out the other meaning of NC-W vanished.

?????

[P17]

I'm cycling ... cutter, you mentioned this to me before but wasn't altogether sure what it meant. Was reading this post today http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1897940#Post1897940 and it hit the nail on the head.

Newmama, thanks for the info you posted. A lot of it makes sense. Still hasn't killed the negative thoughts and has in fact reinforced some. Still think that W and OM will have this long term and possibly marry - gut feeling.

Off out to D's xmas concert at school so will try and perhaps post more later.

[P17]

Just journalling, venting, whatever.

Just back from D's Xmas concert.

It was a good concert but it just brought back some really happy and now sad memories.

This time last year W and I had no contact with D at all. We went to D's Xmas Concert at school though and at the end, when D was on stage, My W shouted 'Wooooo, come on D' and that was simply for one thing ... to let D know we were there. See she didn't know we were coming as we couldn't get to speak to her to tell her. Afterwards D told us that she knew we were there because she heard my W shouting for her. After D came off stage, D's grandparents were around her like a body guard and we couldn't get to see her. So we just left.

That memory has always stayed with me. That act of shouting so loudly to let your step-D know that you are there for her. It just said a lot of things in that one gesture. Her love for step-D, her love for me, and her support for me in the difficult sitch we found ourselves in. I will never forget that. THAT is the W I married. THAT behaviour is the reason I married her. This new and 'improved' W would never do that.

That's what upset me today.

I did think that W would maybe be there today and I would have been mad if she had. But, I'm also sad that she wasn't. I WANT her to fight me on this. I WANT her to stand up and shout 'Woooo, come on D' when D is on stage again in defiance of me. I WANT her to do these things. I'll be mad, but I will have a lot of respect for her. A lot more than I have now.

But she didn't come.

A year ago my W stood up for me and her against what was being done today. Today, she has removed herself completely from D's life. It hurts and it's upsetting.

Its this, the lies she has told, her family abandoning D and me, the complete separation of our lives and her cowardly attitude that makes me think that recovering this M would be a task on the scale of something too big for her to handle. It would be far easier for her to walk away and start again.

Another thing that was brought home to me today. Looking at the little Primary 1 and Primary 2 kids (5 and 6 years old) just made me think how nice it would have been if me and W were sat there watching our son or daughter (we had been trying for 9 months before she left). It brought home to me that loss too. Whether I have kids or not with somebody else isn't the point, I always wanted them with her. She was a great mother ... right up to the point she abandoned her step-D. Maybe it's the FOG, and I do get that (even though I'm not sure she's in it) but how do you forgive something like that?

I've forgiven the leaving me and D. I've forgiven the sex with OM. I've even forgiven her lies to him about me being violent. I've forgiven the lies to me from her. I've forgiven most of it. I am having real difficulty forgiving her unwillingness to keep her step-D. Maybe it will come. I don't know.

Two things I've experienced today - deep hurt for W abandoning step-D. Deep love for my W and her ability to stand up and stick two fingers up at the world and fight for D. Contradictory. Yes. Why? I don't know. That is what causing me some angst today.

It at least tells me I still deeply love W. That I was really beginning to question.

Thanks again for this forum. I'd be in a whole other place without it.

Just another sad day here. I know I'm cycling. I just want to get this out and on here.