The previous week when I practiced GAL and stuffed my weekend w/my own program, H reacted by showing more attention to me - he had dinner w/me almost every night, he asked about the progress of my IC (I felt so proud of myself for resisting the temptation to ask him to join!) and he even initiated a R talk (he said that his feelings for me remained the same but he has fallen in love w/one more person!!! He's not sure about the future and how things will turn out... blah blah blah!!! I again told him that marriage are not for three and that I really find his nightly Facebook communication w/OW annoying. I also told him that I still want our M to work but is concerned that my feelings for him will subside if things continue the way it is! On hearing this, he said he knew his behavior was not right and asked if I will feel better if he moves to his parent's place. I told him that I have no idea and the talk ended as it was really getting late and we both had to work the next day.)
Then the OW spent the last weekend away w/her kids and she had been barely responding to H's TMs. She also expressed about disappointment and frustration in her TMs to H. H's behavior was somewhat predictable - he was immediately drawn to her by expressing how much he misses and needs her in the TM. He talked to my MIL the following day saying that things were getting difficult and that he would like to move back to her place.
H had talked about this several months ago when I first busted his A but gave up the idea when I said I wanted him to stay. So it will really be a 180 for me if I tell him "I still want our M to work and I still want you to stay but if you feel like this is the way, I'm fine w/it". I'm just not sure if it should only be a trial S or a full S (H never mention the D word)?
Really grateful for some insight and suggestion pls.
Of course your H thinks things are getting difficult, lol! His W is setting boundaries about the woman he is having an affair with. I am not sure anybody would be comfortable in that situation. The good thing is his comfort while he is having an affair is not really important.
It sounds as if your H is starting to wonder how much longer you will tolerate his BS before you make the choice FOR HIM and he does not like that. He wants to be able to make the choice (you or OW). Things were okay for him when you were not setting boundaries about OW. Now that you are establishing it is NOT okay he isn't quite as comfortable. Instead of really examining that as a whole it is MUCH easier for him to flip it back on you by saying... "gee, Bibi, I guess you won't keep loving me if I keep acting like this so I better run so I can hide things better and still string you along".
Um. NO!
No worries if he can't decide. Decide for him. In fact, help him pack and send him on his way.
The reason he told his mommy things are getting difficult again all comes down to one concept... WHEN YOU ARE IN AN AFFAIR THINGS DON'T GO QUITE AS SMOOTH AS YOU ANTICIPATE. I am not sure anybody feels sorry for him because he is having a tough time juggling his WIFE and his MISTRESS.
And where does he run? To his mommy. That is disturbing on many levels IMO. Talking to your parents for support is one thing. Asking to move in so you can better juggle your W and MISTRESS is another.
I again told him that marriage are not for three and that I really find his nightly Facebook communication w/OW annoying.
Hey BiBi,
Good on you for telling him M isn't for 3 people. Next time use the word "unacceptable" instead of "annoying" when you talk to him about how his constant communication is WRONG and blatantly disrespectful.
You're on the right path.
Tell him you are willing to work on the M but you won't share him with anyone else. If he can't handle that, that you understand, but you won't participate in tolerating his A with this OW.
Is the OW married?
If he brings up moving out again, tell him you'd prefer he'd stay home to work on the M but if that's the decision that HE wants to make, you won't hold him back.
OW is married w/2 kids and H said that she's divorcing her spouse and that they have long-standing problems blah blah blah. She's a subordinate of H so they got to see other daily.
On the other hand, H will most probably be transferred to work in a nearby city in Apr and can only come back to town during weekends. May be it will help to cool things down between them a bit or may be he will misses her even more - LOL!
I am definitely going to GAL. My cousin is diagnosed with Acute Leukemia recently and is currently undergoing chemotherapy, I will definitely be more than happy if we can make it but life is too short for me to wait around him forever!
Here is a very meaningful article I found on the net. I have no religious background apart from attending a Catholic school when I was a little girl but I've been praying a lot these days, can't wait to turn into that beautiful tea cup.
In fact, let's hope that all of us here will turn into a beautiful tea cup one day or another!
Bi Bi ================================================================= The Story of the Tea Cup
There was a couple who went to England to shop in a beautiful antique store. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially tea cups. On a trip to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary they found an exceptional cup. They asked, "May we see that cup? We've never seen a tea cup quite so beautiful."
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the tea cup spoke, "You don't understand," the cup said, "I have not always been a tea cup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over, and I yelled out, ‘Don't do that. I don't like it! Let me alone.’ But the potter only smiled, and gently said, "Not yet!!"
Then, WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. “Stop it! I'm getting so dizzy! I'm going to be sick!” I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly, "Not yet." He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then...Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. “Help! Get me out of here!” I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, "Not yet." When I thought I couldn't bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better, I thought. But, after I cooled, he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. “Oh, please; Stop it, Stop it!!” I cried. He only shook his head and said. "Not yet!"
Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited... and waited, wondering what he is going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said, "Look at yourself," and I did. I said, “That's not me. That couldn't be me. It's beautiful... I'm beautiful!"
Quietly he spoke: "I want you to remember this," he said, "I know it hurt to be rolled and patted, but had I left you alone, you'd have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn't put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn't done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn't put you back in that second oven, you wouldn't have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when I first began with you."
The moral of this story is this: God knows what He's doing in each of us. He is the potter, and we are his clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.
So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to "stink", try this...Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest tea cup, sit down and think on this story and then...Have a little talk with the Potter.
I know I am suppose to be upbeat in front of H but I am really not in the mood whenever I think of my cousin and her sister who said that she only cried when she's alone so as not to discourage my cousin and their parents.
Went out whole day yesterday. Went to a nearby island and talked to a friend who gave great support but feeling kind of sad while walking around under the sun and along the breach - just wish that it was H who's beside me. Joined by other friends later on and had a great seafood dinner - shrimps, crabs, scallops, fish...only H missing.
Also worried about my cousin cause Leukemia cells (though not in large numbers) were found in her brain as well and she losses her vision (temporarily I hope).
BiBi, I can only imagine how worried you are about your cousin right now. I hope that you can try not to let that feed into your own worries, but I know how the ball of wax can get bigger and bigger. I hope that there will be better news about your cousin coming along.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
