upside you have come so far and are so close you can do it- what snodderly says If you dont see it though you wont know for sure it isnt a waste of time you can always move on at any time if you can fins a way to hold on it may work better than planned b/c U wouldnt want H back if he is not totally done I think this is a situation where trust ing yourself comes in meditate listen either way you will be ok and a winner peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Re: Am I Ready for This?
#1907970 01/04/1003:41 PM01/04/1003:41 PM
For now, he needs to find ways to be a husband, partner and friend to you.
I think this is the most frustrating part. He is still in such a selfish place that I'm not sure he will ever be able to be a husband or a partner.
You don't want him at 80%, but you could settle for 99.9%.
My H made the 80% comment to the C a month ago and I believe was moving closer to me up until his Christmas vacation. You are right though...I don't want to settle. My H told me the other day that he isn't 100% sure about moving back. I told him that I deserve 100%.
Control issues? He still perceives you as trying to fix things.
You are right again. He does have fears that things will be the sam ole, same ole but deep down he knows I have changed and have learned to be more accepting of things for what they are. My H still claims that he has let women (mother, girlfriends, XW, D & me) control him all his life and he isn't going to let that happen again. On some level, I understand what he is saying but if we are ever going to move forward, he needs to let all the baggage that he has heaped onto me go and start fresh. I'm not sure he can.
I did look up some of DebM's posts. It was recommended to her to go dark at some point. If she did, it wasn't for long. It sounds like her H transitioned back fairly quickly in comparison to my H. My H has been fence sitting for a couple of years now. We have been in MC now for almost 2 years. However, the M issue has been somewhat on the back burner for the last 6 while I have been helping my father recover from his stroke but now it is time for me to do something different regarding my M. I wanted to start the new year moving forward with my life...I was hoping it was going to be with my H. I did make it clear to him that I needed to move forward with or without him. My H never called yesterday...I guess I am not surprised since I told him not to. I gave him a reason to run and hide this time.
Do something different...don't be so readily available...let his calls go to voice mail and return the calls later. If he asks where you have been just say out or I've been busy working on whatever in your home. He knows that you are there for him, but he needs just a little nudge in knowing that you are not going to always be there at his beck and call and be his fixer. Can you do this?
I can but maybe it is too late. Maybe our hours of talking the other day pushed him away for good. I am not sure. We talked about him take his things from my house but he couldn't seem to deal with it. He told me to give everything to the Goodwill (although I know he didn't mean it). I can accept whatever happens but it just makes me sad that 2 people that seem to love each other can't seem to work things out.
I struggle with the fact that my H is still a broken man and with the uncertainty that he will ever truly heal. I just know I don't want to spend my life like this and I don't want to spend the rest of my life without a partner. I don't know what my next step will be. I'm back to detaching, GAL and focusing on myself and my kids. It won't be that hard.
Thank you for helping me through this. Sorry I have not always been the best at taking the advice that has been given to me...I suppose there is still a part of me that thinks my situation is different. I need to stop that.
(((peace))) Your encouragement always means so much to me. Thank you. Sorry I have not been there for you...I hope you and your kids are doing well and enjoyed the holidays.
I think I just need to focus on me now and let whatever is going to happen, just happen. The events of the last few days really threw me even though I must say they were somewhat expected. I am feeling stronger today.
I know you and snodderly are right and that my H isn't totally done. I don't want him back if he isn't completely committed to this. I don't want him back if he is still looking for excuses as to why he doesn't want to be here.
I am just in wait and see mode. I'm not going dark but I don't think I should make any attempts to contact him. What do you think?
You are absolutely right that no matter what happens, I will be ok...more than ok!
Hi OldPilot- I have had this feeling of being "so close" many times before. That is the most difficult part of this. Things get better but then he backs off. This is the closest we have gotten to actually reconciling. I am just afraid that this could go on for years and he will still never make it to the "other side". Thanks for the encouragement.
I was thinking that maybe I pushed knowing that he would back off because I knew he wasn't ready. Maybe pushed to see how committed he was to the relationship and I got my answer? Does that make sense?
I told myself that I was going to move forward now that it is a new year...but here I am back in wait and see mode...ugh!!!
You have the advantage of knowing your H does not want to be controlled. Back off completely so that when he thinks about it, he'll see that you are not trying to control him in any way.
Your H has already given his notice on his apt, right? So all you can do right now is wait and see what he will do.
Seems like when you put less focus on the M (like you said you did over the last 6 months), H was moving closer. As soon as the questioning began, your H backed off again. Doesn't seem like he's ready for you to focus on the M, so just keep focusing on yourself.
You are definitely at the hardest part, IMO. But you've done it for this long - hang in there!
(((Upside))) - It's good to see you back. I came back to get help through the holidays, and have checked on you from time to time.
I hope your father continues to do well. I know how stressful and consuming caring for a parent can be.
I lost my father at the beginning of what now seems to be the end of my marriage. I've often wondered if my father's death was the catalyst to H's MLC. Knowing that H was turning to OW when I was dealing with it all makes it all hurt more.
I wish I could say I didn't feel the pain as much as I did when I first came here----but I do. I can say that it doesn't consume me as much as it used to, but when it sneaks back up on me it's overwhelming. Having a full time job helps keep focused on other things---and dealing with all of my extra responsibilities around the house and working full time keeps me from doing anything for me. I don't know how it's supposed to be done.
I understand the feeling of being ready to move forward. I can't even imagine 3 years! It's been 18 months since my H moved out. Although he has e-mailed several times that he's done and ready to move on, he has not filed, or pushed for a D. Part of me thinks it's all financial (or that he just wants me to do all the work), since he has made it quite clear that he is DONE, but in any case I'm still standing with very weak knees. I can truly say that although I still love H with all my heart, I don't like the person he has become. I wish there was a way to know what person he will be when this is over----or if it is over for him, and this is who he is now.
Anyway, I'm rambling. I do hope you are doing well and I hope that 2010 will have the answers for both of us-----whatever they may be.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
I saw your post and had to respond. I too went through exactly what you are going through with my H. This is the hardest part of the journey!!! I was getting so fed up with excuse after excuse from my H. Snodderly help me get through this part and gave me the encouragement to hang in there. I am so glad that I did, my H is a wonderful, loving, caring man again!
My H told me he needed more time and he moved into the barracks at the prison for 6 months or so and that is when we really started to reconnect. He called all the time and I never called him. I didn't ask what he was doing when he didn't call. I left the ball in his court. He started spending more time at home and finally he moved home for good. It was his decision. It still took a while for him to put back on his wedding ring but when he was ready he did and didn't say anything to me. When I saw it I gave him the biggest hug and kiss!! We had turned the corner, finally.
You can do this! It's so hard but you can do it! Take a deep breath and put the ball in his court. Don't mention moving home, let him bring it up.
Upside, Is this limit you have for moving forward with or without H just a way of saying you are further detaching? Its not like you'd run out and marry the first guy you dated...maybe it just means you are dropping the rope and what will be , will be and you'll be OK no matter what.
If H came out of the fog in a month or two and you were still interested then maybe the reconnection would happen then...??
M44 H46 T21 Married 16y D14 D12 Bomb 12/08(EA), (PA/Separation)1/09 to 5/09 Home/MC 5/09 to 12/09 Leaves 12/09 Files for Divorce Divorce final 6/30/10.
Upside, You have run the long race, when at the end you are exausted, you want to quit. Can you see the finish line? You must dig a little bit deeper, and pull up that last bit of endurace to finish the race. You have been at it a long time, dont quit when you could be so close to the end. If you were to quit now you could spend the rest of your life wondering "what if".
Focuse on your life, give him the time he needs to finish baking,take the pressure off of you both. Have an attitude of "I'm starting a new life, would you care to join me?" don't feel like your waiting for him, have some fun, keep moving on with your life, he'll him catch up with you. This will take the pressure off of you and him, and perhaps draw him even closer.
Keep that candle burning, be happy, be strong, be yourself.