here we go again

[Jstar]

Thanks for support. If he walks like a duck talks like a duck, looks like a duck, it's probably a duck.

ever since i came out of being dark weeks ago i can't get ahole of myself and feelings. the past couple days, whether it be prebirth jitters, stress, hormones, situation all of everything i'm a mess.

I don't want to love this man, don't want tohave feelings for him, i don't want stop living my life but i can not get free from how i feel.
d2 and i go to classes every saturday for her to learn soccer, we spend the rest of the weekends cleaning and trying to keep the house up with the animals.

i just feel this weight coming on me even more, the birth is weeks away, my h is supposed to be there by my belief system, supportive, making sure d2 is looked after while i try to recover from surgery and i get well jstar if you were nice to me.

i would go talk to counselor but i can't take off work, i'm all ready going to go 5 weeks without pay on maternity leave, have doctors appointments 2-3 week and rushing to get d2 from daycare so it doesn't cost so much.

my niece and her bf are great, but after the past week i know my issues and problems are just burdening on them. i feel like i did in the beginning of november.

[Jstar]

past few days just been working, cleaning house, pick up kido after work home dinner,.

apperently h went out of town. a couple of times he wanted to set up visitation and i prompted him for a schedule.

since end of november he has seen d2 3 times. usually he goes about once a month of actually following thru on seeing her. after this last time, i said it is way to confusing for d2 to see h then not anything for weeks. so i told him that if he wanted to visit to set up a schedule, he out and out refused, "f u, and your papers, i'm not giving you a schedule"

so i don't let him see daughter. even my ob asked if h was visiting with d2. i told her same thing, he won't make a schedule so there is a routine and stability of when she will see him.

not much else for me to do, not going to stress over filing for divorce when birth is near. though my spiteful self would just love to have him served on our first year anniversary.

[bluerain]

Your spiteful nature will be there after the birth too. Does he have a birthday coming up?

In Alaska if you can prove that you have been living seperately for two years you dont have to have his consent to the divorce. I know that its a long time, but if he is going to dodge the servers, then you dont need his approval.

Im a little confused about why he is so against setting up a schedule, it doesnt seem like it would be that difficult of a thing to justify, or to see the merit of!

[bluerain]

Your spiteful nature will be there after the birth too. Does he have a birthday coming up?

In Alaska if you can prove that you have been living seperately for two years you dont have to have his consent to the divorce. I know that its a long time, but if he is going to dodge the servers, then you dont need his approval.

Im a little confused about why he is so against setting up a schedule, it doesnt seem like it would be that difficult of a thing to justify, or to see the merit of!

[Jstar]

h's bday is in april and it would not be that long to wait till then to serve him.

he's so against providing a schedule #1 because i asked for it, more rebellion, you woman not gonna tell me what to do. #2 he doesn't want to be locked into days and times to see d2.

even though the court is going to ask him for his parenting plan with visitation times, etc. he usual says here jstar you write it up and then i'll see if i go for it.

be darned if i will do anything to help him move along. he needs to be a grown man, if it's not his mommie cooking him food when he orders or her doing his laundry he wants me to fill out everything he is responsible to do.


ive just been so exhausted this past week week and 1/2, with aches and pains working, dr visits, i'm worn out. i'm not going to push to have him served in a few weeks, to much running around.

[Jstar]

just been trying to clean house, just two of us but with cats and dogs, always a daily task, well d2 is all over the place as well.

we had her soccer class this am and got the car ready for brother's arrival. put other car seat in back and moved d2's, okay no room in car but for one other adult in front.

we are settled in our routine of laundry cleaning ect on weekends, soccer and so on. i'm really out there somewhere though, kind of just lost in my thoughts.

son will be born shortly, work trying to get ready, nesting like crazy, and i can tell my hormones are all over the place. at work i feel like my time has run otu and trying ever so fast to teach my students everything before state testing since i will be handing them off to someone else....

oh i would love to just be able to hike up top of mountain and scream or drink to feel nothing.

[Jstar]

haven't posted in a bit.

i allowed h to come over pull carpet from what cats ruined by me not being able to change cat box. he came over the next evening which is thenight before d2 soccer practice. d2 wanted him to go, but h went home and preferred to sleep, calls me 20 mins before it's start asking where it's at. i would nto tell him.

i was not going to have him show up get d2 all riled up then take off. off course he made promises to d2 and did not come through on them.

after practice we had to go to my students soccer game, run errands finding my medication which took till 5 pm.

i text h that he has shown no plan of next time to see d2 and that is very confusing to her, she does nto know one day to the next of when she will see him. of course me trying to explain this to h does not mean anything to him, he still just wants to do what he wants to do.

while he was over i said it was ok that he is the way he is, selfish all about him that however he may love d2 it is not healthy for her to have him be in her life just when it suits him.

i told him just to leave us alone. we are not his life, priority or anything.

i wake up this am just knowing my head is in the right place but heart has not caught up. if h wants to help around the house i will let him only when my d2 is not here.

[Jstar]

So h say d2 on friday for alittle bit, he put her to bed and fell asleep next to her. so she wakes up, "daddy bye bye" "daddy bye bye" before we head to soccer. she asked him to go so while we were getting ready, i called him to wake up to meet at house.

ignored msgs. until like i mentioned earlier post, 20 mins before it was to start to show up.

so we are back to again 2 days no contact or want to see d2 and she's confused as all get out. i feel guilty for being selfish to have him come over and help and mess with her.


it really upsets me to think of these kids growing up with a father who thinks it's ok to be a whenever i want to see my kids kind of father.

i text him today that it was all my fault. since i've known him his character has been the same. i didn't see it or want to see it. that what he wants out of a marriage and family are not what me and my kids need. that he needs to just let us go so we can try to be happy.

having a h or father that refuses to set up a schedule, put his kids first, be a significant part in their lives, consistent is not what any child needs. my kids don't need a father who will drop them in 1/2 second for something someone else. that's not a father.

am i off here to believe this? am i wrong?

[Jstar]

sorry e v eryone just need to vent. i am so upset feel my blood boiling and tyring to calm down.

friday h said he'd have money never brought it. said he'd pick up a check today monday, found otu he got paid $500 and went scraping for $66 dollars. I ask him how much and when, he says, $100. I tell him no I for my family kids groceries everything I should get $500 he says no I have to pay my truck, that comes first.

i went off, told him what a f##$ loser he is that in eyes of court truck payments last, feeding children an dproviding ahome for them is first. since nov i have gotten $800. I went so far as to say i'm going to have him deported called him alot of names and want to cause him so much freaking pain.

now i'm coming to find out my niece got a ft job so she can't watch d2 or son when he's born. i'm gonna have to sell my soul to the devil so have my children cared for and back into the same situation iwas before.

[flossyfluff]

Just checking in on you Star! Vent all you like, it will help you release a lot of the anger so that you can concentrate on the babies. When are you scheduled for the delivery? I can imagine how diffficult it is to have all these issues to deal with while also planning a delivery. You will manage when the baby arrives, somehow you will. I worried a lot too about these things but I now realise that my worrying did not change anything. Somehow, somewhere, you will find a solution that will work and you will manage. I know we ask ourselves if they are remorseful or sorry for their behaviour. I like to think that they have sleepless nights or nightmare. The coldness is just a cover. They can run away but it will catch up with them one day. I choose to believe that and it helps me stay strong. x