Question--what signs did your WAS give to let you

[newmama]

know s/he was "testing the waters?" or wanting to come back? Did they just call you up out of the blue or did you observe some signs first?

I have a thread in Infidelity but in a nutshell, am currently trying the no pressure, GAL, be cheerful approach. See my siggy for a synopsis of my situation.THANK YOU for your help!!

[newmama]

guess it was a dumb q or something!

[Cyrena]

Hi newmama,

It's not that it was a dumb question, it's just that it would kind of be like telling a toddler how to prepare for the SAT exam--it's not really information he can appreciate or use until he gets to a different point in his life.

That said, when my H was almost ready to come back, his behaviour left me incredibly confused. He was "cycling" harder than ever, so that sometimes I thought he was like one of those possessed dolls in the movies, smiling benignly at one moment, and the next the eyes are glowing red and the head is spinning crazily around.... In a few sentences he could make a plan for our future, come up with a crazy job change (in the OW's job field), start toward me for a hug and then give me the "fence post" hug instead, and slip in a lie about his earlier whereabouts, etc.

At that point I pretty much detached from him, and was having dreams in which I let him go and was meeting nice guys, which felt calm and good. When he phoned up to say he wanted to work on the marriage, I was quite surprised ... and underwhelmed. Even after that it took him weeks to say ILY, and over a year to express remorse and "get it."

It wasn't so much his treatment of me that changed as he came out of his fog initially, it was his treatment of our kids and my family. During his MLC and affair, the kids irritated him, and he was often snappy and critical. He'd get down to play with the toddler, but a short while later exclaim, "I've got to go and check my email now," or some such excuse, leaving her distressed. It was as if he couldn't focus properly on them--or anything, really.

Also, throughout his MLC he acted as if my family were a burden to him, and I'd be on eggshells at family gatherings, knowing how he'd complain afterwards (even if only that he was allergic to the plants in their house, which had given him a headache) and trying to make sure we left early. They weren't aware of what was going on, but I could feel all this hostility from him. As he came out of the fog, he became more relaxed around my family, and would comment after seeing them what a good party that had been, etc.

From time to time, my sister would bring over a special treat that worked with my H's dietary requirements. During his MLC he would snap, "I don't know why she bothers--it's not like I can eat it anyhow!" The day he said, "I really love that treat your sister brought over--it's absolutely delicious!" as though he'd never tasted it before, I was pretty sure the old H was coming back.

Try to take your focus off your H, who is on a journey that he needs to take for himself, and put it on you and your baby. Don't pressure him, but don't expect anything either. GALing definitely works, and is your reward for this difficult time. And in those dark and lonely hours when it seeems impossible not to obsess about your difficult situation, try instead to visualize the sort of woman and mother you admire most and would like to be--and then become her.

Good luck!

[newmama]

Try to take your focus off your H, who is on a journey that he needs to take for himself, and put it on you and your baby. Don't pressure him, but don't expect anything either. GALing definitely works, and is your reward for this difficult time. And in those dark and lonely hours when it seeems impossible not to obsess about your difficult situation, try instead to visualize the sort of woman and mother you admire most and would like to be--and then become her.

Good luck!

Thanks so much for answering my q.I am doing almost exactly what you advised and am noticing some changes in WH which is why I am asking others to share their experience.The changes seem small but he has been very nice and much more caring toward me. So I wonder if a) what I am doing is working and b) do the WASs who want to reconcile let you know and change just as quickly as they did during their A? there is that script they follow, you know! :-)

[Cyrena]

Personally, my experience is all with MLC, not with a straightforward affair, which is what I assume your H is having at 33.

Is what you are doing working? It's impossible to tell by what your spouse does, because he is acting out of all sorts of contradictory impulses: guilt, confusion, fog (which is a sort of self-brainwashing which justifies everything), blaming the spouse, flashbacks to happier memories. Also, he's mostly thinking with his adolescent rather than his mature brain. Once he'd recommitted to our M, my H admitted that the times he felt happiest (and therefore treated me the best) were when he thought he'd found a way to keep both his EA and wife in his life.

What you're doing is working if you can detach yourself from his drama, keeping an equilibrium in your life regardless of what he does/doesn't do--if you can feel proud of how you handled yourself after every interaction with him, and know that, whether he recommits to you or not, you will be happy with your life.

Does the WAS change quickly? Normally, it takes years for them to get to the point where they start the affair (often years of poor communication with their spouse, and inadequate attention to their own needs and issues). Then it takes 18 months to 2 years for them to realize that their relationship with the OW is not a cure-all, and many months more to "withdraw" from her and deal with their issues. Even if they do return to the marriage, it's generally 2 years before that marriage is stable again. So, no, it's not a quick process, but then quick changes are rarely lasting, are they? Building up a genuine friendship and good communication is the key at this point.

There is definitely a script involved as they enter, conduct and justify their affairs, but not so much, I think, as they come out again, because at that point they become pained individuals again, rather than script-reading aliens.

[ClingingToHope]

Does the WAS change quickly? Normally, it takes years for them to get to the point where they start the affair (often years of poor communication with their spouse, and inadequate attention to their own needs and issues). Then it takes 18 months to 2 years for them to realize that their relationship with the OW is not a cure-all, and many months more to "withdraw" from her and deal with their issues. Even if they do return to the marriage, it's generally 2 years before that marriage is stable again. So, no, it's not a quick process, but then quick changes are rarely lasting, are they? Building up a genuine friendship and good communication is the key at this point.

I read a great book, "I Do Again" about a WAW who entered an EA, pushed through a D on a supportive and unsuspecting husband, kept up the PA with the OW for two years after the D before figuring out she did love her Ex. She tried to get back but he was having none of it. It took another five years before he'd fully trust her and they remarried.

It gave me great insight into how a spouse can start to think they "never really loved you."

[dday101798]

Then it takes 18 months to 2 years for them to realize that their relationship with the OW is not a cure-all,

There's script and then there's timelines and this one seems very accurate. My XW has hit all the points all the way along, the 6 month confusion mostly and now we are in the 18 month to two year window and guess what? Life with OM or anyone else, is not what she really wanted afterall, so we are at the point it seems that she needs to drop him once and for all, then straighten her head, although, we've been pretty much zero contact for the last year, so I couldn't tell you how long that would take.

[libbyasking]

If the OW finishes the affair with H does this shorten the process or do they still generally take approx 2 years to come out the other side?

[Cyrena]

Withdrawal from the OW is all-consuming for them for about 3 weeks, though it takes probably another 12 months to get her mostly out of his system. The reflective period in which H finally works on his issues (now that he's no longer "using" OW and other temporary feel-goods) is what takes 2 years, and it is a necessary part of his growth.

It coincides with an approximately 2-year period in which the LBS comes to terms with all the lies, hurt, betrayal, etc, and learns to trust her spouse again. This must also be the period during which both spouses work together to repair all the shortcomings in their marriage that allowed the affair to happen in the first place.

[dolphin_05]

This was very interesting reading and Cyrena, your input has been helpful. Thanks

Cas