I need help in the biggest way. I feel so helpless

[timehealsall]

I am so angry with myself TH.. I was doing so well. Feeling good and seeing a light at the end of my tunnel and I feel like I sucked back into that dark hole again. Feeling sad and weepy.

I want to be strong again. I hate this person I see before him.

Before, he would usually have a business trip overseas

I just feel broken down. it sucks.

He is definitely stuck. To me, he just feels like this is his answer to everything. Getting rid of me will give him the happiness he is looking for; clarity.

Our talk last night was calm. Few laughs here and there but light. I asked questions but wasn't looking needy or anything. But you are pretty dead on.

[TimeHeals]

I want to be strong again. I hate this person I see before him.

You are probably not giving yourself enough credit here. You are strong, and you will get stronger.

He is definitely stuck. To me, he just feels like this is his answer to everything. Getting rid of me will give him the happiness he is looking for; clarity.

That's his problem, not yours. You have to let him solve his own problems because only he can do it, and he can only do it if he wants to do it. All the "you wanting to help him do it" in the world is not going to make it happen.

Let go of your expectations.

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, I'm so sorry about all this. My H said ALL the same things yours is saying! I know how you are feeling right now.

I'll come back in a bit & check on you!

[timehealsall]

I know..

Can I be honest for a second.

I think that's what got me here (meaning from when he told me he wanted to work on things, to the present) .. I HAD expectations. I expected him to treat me a certain way or to do certain things, rather than just letting him be. I think that's what got to him and what made him feel trapped and unhappy.

The way he was doing things, in his mind, he WAS trying... (trading my car in for a new one, getting bills on track, coming back home)whereas, I was looking for him to do the small stuff.

I shouldn't have been so stupid. I should have just gone about my business. I guess I'm just so damn insecure and on the defense that I read into what he was doing and too busy trying to figure it out.

That little bit of interest he showed me before he came home saying he wanted to work on things made me fall back into my old ways. I totally screwed myself.

[timehealsall]

Hey, girl, I'm so sorry about all this. My H said ALL the same things yours is saying! I know how you are feeling right now.

I'll come back in a bit & check on you!

Hey Red,

Miss you girl. Thanks.. You told me there would be bumps along the way..

[FindingMyVoice]

Feeling sad and weepy.
I want to be strong again.

Oh Time, sweetie, hugs to you and I'm so sorry to hear what's happening. Let it out. Although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, I think crying and feeling sad are signs of inner strength, not weakness. Just my humble opinion - it's a strong person who can allow themself to confront pain by feeling it - with tears, anger and whatever else is inside. This fact shows you will work through it and come out renewed on the other side of it.

He is definitely stuck. To me, he just feels like this is his answer to everything. Getting rid of me will give him the happiness he is looking for; clarity.

Or so he perceives. I think he's wrong. I think he'll be just as unhappy because he hasn't dealt with his own issues yet - the things that are truly making him unhappy. Remember - no one can cause another person's unhappiness.

Our talk last night was calm. Few laughs here and there but light. I asked questions but wasn't looking needy or anything.

See? There's that inner strength shining through! Good for you! I admire what composure you have in such a stressful time. Stay well friend - I'm so sorry again to hear what a rough time you're having. I'll check in on you again later. PG.

[timehealsall]

Thanks PG. Our H's are very much alike and you and I are as well.. (we're overanalyzers lol)

Don't get me wrong, I wanted to club him over the head a few times and even this morning, while ironing, I wanted to smack him over the head with it, but I restrained myself. I keep wondering what the hell is wrong with him. He needs a kick in the a$$

[TimeHeals]

I shouldn't have been so stupid.

I am going to ask you nicely to stop calling yourself names.

It's not as if your needs in an R are unimportant. It's not 'stupid' to want things that let you know you feel loved.

It is what it is. I don't know the whole situation. He might very well have been trying to show you he cared, and you might very well have missed it. I don't know because I cannot read his mind or yours.

I just think it might be helpful to approach this whole situation like you don't know what to expect (because you really do not).

I am not trying to be critical at all. You did what you thought you needed to do to save your M. Even if there were mistakes made (and I am not saying what those might or might not have been), you at least know you have tried. Your M and family was clearly a priority, and that itself is honorable.

[timehealsall]

He was in his own way I guess. By making moves, financially, for us. Not necessarily with touch or affection. I mean, we were intimate, but I initiated mostly. (which I would say is a 180 for me.)

I want honesty. I'm not the type to want people to pussyfoot around me. I respect criticism and appreciate it.

[FindingMyVoice]

I think that's what got me here (meaning from when he told me he wanted to work on things, to the present) .. I HAD expectations. I expected him to treat me a certain way or to do certain things, rather than just letting him be. I think that's what got to him and what made him feel trapped and unhappy.

Okay, take care here now... don't start blaming yourself for having expectations of your M or H. Now, I'm not sure exactly the types of things you're speaking of here, but don't forget that it's ok to need things of your spouse. That's why people get married in the first place. It's your central support system in life.

The way he was doing things, in his mind, he WAS trying... (trading my car in for a new one, getting bills on track, coming back home)whereas, I was looking for him to do the small stuff.

And it's ok to want him to do the small stuff. My IC says it's the small stuff that keeps marriages together.

I shouldn't have been so stupid. I should have just gone about my business. I guess I'm just so damn insecure and on the defense that I read into what he was doing and too busy trying to figure it out.

You're so NOT stupid!!! Tell me this - do you truly feel, deep in your heart that your H held himself accountable for the A, and was actively working on correcting his behaviours that had caused troubles in the M? (ie a couple things I think you mentioned were his tendency to be sarcastic, and to blame you for everything). Because let me tell you, if he was not addressing those things, how could you not feel a little insecure still?