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Originally Posted By: MindsEye
Ok, so just had "the talk". "the talk" was him giving me a packet to file divorce, and a info packet on a "do it yourself" divorce through the mail. He just handed it to me.


Walk-away spouses can go file for themselves. I'd hand him that packet back at the earliest opportunity.

Originally Posted By: MindsEye
He did a ton of blaming. He explained how I "played" him by not working after we married/college. I actually had to agree, i went into a funk after my dads job disappeared. He said it was all downhill from there. I felt a huge sense of relief however, right now i feel relieved.


Of course he did. He is in the middle of rewriting history. All you should be doing is validating: "I can understand why you feel that way". If you don't disagree with him, he can't fight with you.

If he tries to get you to agree to any kind of decision, say "I'll have to think about it and get back to you." Do not budge on this; you have a right to consider your decisions carefully.

Originally Posted By: MindsEye
We hugged, and kissed gently, and then he had to work.


Why are you being physically affectionate with someone who has just read you the riot act, blamed you for all of the problems in the marriage, and handed you a freaking divorce packet?

That needs to stop, effective immediately. Have some respect for yourself.

Last edited by TrentC; 11/17/09 11:32 PM. Reason: Say what??

Me: 44, Wife: 39
M: 17 years T: 20 years
Bomb on 08/25/09
1/13/10: MC started
1/28/10, 2/8/10: More bombs
8/28/10: Wife moved out
No talk of D, no movement

"Every day is another chance to get it right."
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If your H wants a divorce, HE should be the one to file. Let him do the work. It's what he wants, not you, right?

Agreeing with issues he has with you isn't the same as caving in to the dissolution of your M when you believe in it. Validate his feelings, but don't get pushed around, either.

This is my suggestion, so take it w/ a grain of salt, but I think it's time for LRT. If you haven't read DR (or DB), do it now and start detachment. If I'd had the sense to do that when my W hit me w/ the news, I'd probably be in a different situation right now.

You cannot change his mind right now, so don't try. Become unavailable and let him do the work if he wants to end the R.


~Mark

Me: 38
W: 34
Together: 9yrs
1st M: may '03
1st D: april '08
1st bomb: june '08
remarried: oct '08
2nd bomb: aug '09 --(W asked for D one week into 3 mo. trial separation which was meant to save our M)
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Hi sweetie,


Sorry to hear you had "the talk" BIG HUGS.

A statement to make:

"I do not want a D. I see many other options. But if D is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"



"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Originally Posted By: Mark Evolving
If your H wants a divorce, HE should be the one to file. Let him do the work. It's what he wants, not you, right?

Agreeing with issues he has with you isn't the same as caving in to the dissolution of your M when you believe in it. Validate his feelings, but don't get pushed around, either.

This is my suggestion, so take it w/ a grain of salt, but I think it's time for LRT. If you haven't read DR (or DB), do it now and start detachment. If I'd had the sense to do that when my W hit me w/ the news, I'd probably be in a different situation right now.

You cannot change his mind right now, so don't try. Become unavailable and let him do the work if he wants to end the R.
Very wise advise. Read it, live it.

Everything will be counter intuitive, so it is very important to listen to the wise advise here.

Pursuing him WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY. Pursuing includes reasoning. The sooner you set him free, the better the odds he will change his mind and pursue YOU. When he pursues you, DO NOT STOP DOING WHAT IS WORKING. Let him continue to chase.

It is very important for you to work on YOU right now and make positive changes.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
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With that said,

What changes to YOU (thoughts,words and actions etc) would be positive 180's?


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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I find it stunning to this day that a WAS will bomb drop and then even entertain the thought of the LBS participating in the divorce as if it was a joint decision. If there was *one* thing I could ever fully understand that would be what I would choose.

His desire to divorce, his job to get one. He (just as mine did) spent enough time pre-bomb plotting his exit while acting like I was the love of his life, well, let his plotting continue all on his own.

My H asked me for MONTHS how WE should proceed and my answer made him crazy. I simply told him I would not help him get divorced and would comply as the law required me to once he filed.

Do what you think is best but I would not suggest you agree to any sort of "controlled separation". The entire concept is idiotic and a sneaky way for the WAS to move out while looking like the "good guy" who is "trying" and just "needs space". When my H broached the controlled separation he went so far as to pull out a list of how we should handle it and he fooled me good. Months later he admitted to me it was just a way to move out. Most WAS use the ideal of a "controlled separation" to move out and/or to dedicate more time to their affair or to pursue a new person.

No hugs, no kisses ESPECIALLY after he hands you a divorce packet and bashes you for the entire demise of your marriage.

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Originally Posted By: CityGirl
I find it stunning to this day that a WAS will bomb drop and then even entertain the thought of the LBS participating in the divorce as if it was a joint decision. If there was *one* thing I could ever fully understand that would be what I would choose.


Agreed, CG. It defies logic. But then, so does everything else a WAS does.

My WAW will have to have my cooperation. And she wonít get it.

No enabling. You want to destroy this marriage? Itís your barbeque. Put on an apron and start cookiní.

This puts the WAS in a very awkward and unexpected position. He/she had not planned on this.


H: 50
W: 48
Married 20 years
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A discovered 12/02/09
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Thanks all, im just back to check in.

We did end up going the Controlled separation route. I was not sure what to do. I have the option to terminate it at any time. We set it up for 6 months. The thing is, we have had sex twice since deciding this. We outlined it all in the contract. Am i a idiot to be doing this w/ him? We also outlined that dating outside is OK for both (i do not plan to, and H says that he is not actively going to pursue anyone but in the event he meets someone and wants to start a "friendship" and see how he feels). I do not like it at all, but since doing this, he seems to question the D more...he keeps asking me "what does this mean" or "can i buy you flowers or chocolates without you reading into it?"... I am really happy that he agreed to see a therapist. Actually, i told him I was going to see one, and he asked if he could see her too. I told him i had a good referral for a guy (who specializes in mens issues and MLC), so i really hope he goes! that would be great.

I am going to give this CS a shot... it at least has put the D idea on the back burner. I dont know what else to do. We are forced to live in the same house and will likely do so for a few months until it sells as we are both totally strapped financially.

I know it sounds like H is having an affair, but i really do not believe he is. He promised that he would never "cheat" unless i allowed it (does this make sense?). So, technically, I am now allowing it. I wonder if he will feel the urge still to pursue anyone outside the M.

I am going to individual counseling also starting in a few days... i certainly feel so worn down by all of this, i am not sleeping and not really eating, so i think outside help is certainly required.

Last edited by MindsEye; 11/25/09 11:51 AM.
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Hello:

I have to say that I can totally understand why you are going along with this "controlled sep", but ask yourself: do you deserve this? no, you don't. and just the fact that he is even suggesting seeing other people (married people DO NOT "see" other people) tells me something is up. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!! in DB speak, this is cake-eating. He can't have it both ways and you do not need to tolerate it. You are scared and that in my opinion is why you agreed to this "contract". in your heart, I am sure you know it's total bs. Puppy (a frequent person on this site) I am SURE will tell you that there is probably an affair or at least someone he would like to pursue (puppy, don't be mad if I am pegging this wrong!). my ex h said the same things to me, there was no one else, blah, blah. well, sure enough, not only was there someone else, but it was someone he had been pursuing for over 6 months!! I'm not trying to scare or upset you, but the truth will eventually set you free as hard as it it. and there is a light at the end of this. I am living proof. PLEASE re-read the books (Divorce busting) and do LRT and GAL FOR YOU!! You are worth it and REGARDLESS of what your h decides YOU can create a great life for YOURSELF. KNow this. I realize this is agony right now, I've been through it as all of us have here. REad stories on this site to keep you going. It really helps. Use this site to journal, vent, ask questions. You are not alone. I'm glad you are going into therapy and posssibly mc, but the point is, and this is the hardest thing, you cannot force or change another's mind. only your actions and SHOWING that you are strong and FINE no matter what HE decides is the answer here.

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hello MindsEye-

Get reading DR. Uncouple yourself from your H not out of spite but out of love for yourself (if you are not used to loving yourself then great emphasis needs to be placed on this since the one who you figured would be by your side is fully adrift) and out of love for him.

For right now cease entirely trying to "win" your H back. Your current H is not one you would want to "win" back. Therefore you work entirely on yourself ..yourself .. yourself. Start planning things out with you as the central focus in order to get back under control that which is the only certainty to control .. you .. you ..you! If personal strength and confidence is very elusive to you now then plug away at this until you have achieved this objective.

Lastly but far from it to me personally or I would surely be hypocritical or something is the belief that the good Lord in heaven well see you through this and all great challenges in life. Not sure how you sit or stand on this being mentioned but enlisting the help of the Almighty achieves peace, stability and success. Your H is most assuredly adrift, .. the Lord never is.

Be well. You will be prayed for.

Ted


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