They understand where the line between compromise and compromising themselves lies.
I paid a high price to learn this. The two key concepts are "loving detachment" - very hard to understand while you are hurting. The other concept is boundaries, where one person stops and the other starts. In that gap is friction, learn how to turn friction into mutually beneficial outcomes. This starts by changing your thoughts and actions to try something different.
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I guess in my mind there is a fine line between "connecting" and pursuing.
That is correct. Confidence, no expectations, wisdom and communicating on the feeling level will help.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm glad Sir is doing well. He was really having a tough time.
Went to Orlando for a conference this weekend. Got bumped off flights yesterday, ended up getting home at 1:00 am, and had to get up at 5 for work. When I did, my wife was already up and gone. She woke at 4 to leave. I'm assuming to go see mr Dbag, since she was left "watching" her boys this weekend. God forbid.
It's just depressing. I mean,a woman that LOVES to sleep, and needs 12 hrs a night, getting up at 4 am to sneak out and spend morning time with her lover. In general I'm detached, but I have these moments of awareness where I just say "WTF?" and then realize that she may never come out of the fog.
Well, maybe there is some solace in knowing that she respected the boundary of not having the boys around the dbag and that she had to make some sacrifice (getting up at 4am) to conduct her affair.
My story's boring. Sex-starved marriage. I understand the strategies, but am unwilling to do anything that might endanger the family unit. Most of the interesting/helpful people on the SSM board were either banned or fled.
I backslid a bit the other night. Was talking on the phone to a woman (nothing too big. she's nice, and I enjoy talking to her) and wife came home from a visit to Dbag's house (his daughter's bday party, which my wife brought a gift for) and started snooping, listening at the door of my room. When I came out, she unloaded on me, and although I didn't yell, I did hold my ground, and talked to her about the dishonor with which she lives, and the deceit, and the lack of ethics. It last about an hour, and it wasn't fun, but I just couldn't hold my tongue any longer.
She apologized yesterday morning for antagonizing me, and I apologized for my tone. But that's where we are at. I am just so tired of this stranger being in my house.
It is quite common for the adulturous spouse to react jealously when the other spouse is showing interest in moving on. She wants to feel like you are there as a backup plan if this whole "divorce thing" doesn't work out.
Keep talking to your women friends (and man friends for that matter). She'll see that you are going to be fine without her. In fact, she might wonder if you will be happier without her.
So I feel lately that I don't know how my marriage can be saved. My wife hasn't changed; she continues to spend entire days out and about, lying about her whereabouts, etc. She's just a totally different person than I thought she was. And I'm realizing more and more that I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again the way I'd need to trust her. For her to consciously continue this affair, and to lie and deceive so willingly, is against everything I believe in.
So I guess I feel like maybe I'm starting to feel that divorce might be a good option. And I never thought I'd say that. I want and deserve to be happy. I don't think I can wait for two years to see if she wants to stop her infidelity and return to me, and then spend more years trying (TRYING) to regain some ability to trust her.
Update: Had another blowup last night when she arrived home again at 12:30 am after leaving for a "SuperBowl Party" at 1 pm. She arrived back looking slovenly-no makeup, hair up in pony tail, etc after leaving looking nice and neat, hair straightened, makeup, etc. I'm not dumb. She made some smart-a@@ comment about me, and I just unloaded on her.
I don't know why this has happened for the second time in a week. I think maybe it's because I don't care anymore? It's wrong, yes, and counterproductive, but I didn't realize how much stuff I bottled up the past several months. Her cake eating, lying, etc just got to me.
