I promised Yoyo that I would start my own thread instead of hijaking hers. So, here I am.
The last some of you knew....back in August, I was done. My H begged, pleaded, cried, promised...etc. I let him back. Almost immediately after he came back things happened again. Although contact with the OW here in MN had seemed to stop, other things did not. The drinking continued, the hiding, the lies, no promises kept....etc. I could go on. Every time I would confront him on something, he would remain silent. He never denied, confessed or even reassured me. We didn't really fight, but things just didn't really get better. I felt myself starting to shut down again. I couldn't talk to him. I couldn't look at him. One of the things he promised was that his spending and going on trips with his brother would slow down. I noticed that it didn't...the planning for at least 2 trips had already begun. When I'd say something, he'd tell me that his fun with his brother would never stop and that he'd taken us on vacation. I told him that taking D5 and I to his dad's old apartment in IN did not constitute a vacation and did not compare to laying on the beach in San Diego or by the pool in Las Vegas. As I said, I could go on and on. Things just weren't changing.
I told him a few times, especially the past week, that I was done. He got the hint. He asked me to talk to him last night. It started out really calm. It would go from calm to heated and back to calm. He'd tell me that he would probably move back to IN and find a place with his brother. Then, he'd say something like....well, what if I don't want to move out or leave. I told him that I wanted him to move out. When he talked about moving back to IN, I asked about contact with D5. He said that he would probably just sever contact with her because she probably shouldn't grow up with a father like him anyway. Then, a few minutes later he'd ask me why I thought he shouldn't have custody of her. He got really angry when I made a comment that he took as my feeling like he didn't do anything for her. I know he loves her but when it comes to the large majority of "primary care", it comes from me.
I don't know what he's thinking this morning. He left after we talked last night and went to work out. I heard him come home. I also heard him several times during the night. He was coughing and sniffling. He'd been crying and up most of the night. I know it's not over me, but over the thought of leaving D5. He wasn't nasty this morning, just very quiet. When I heard him sniffling and hacking, I thought about all the times that I was up all hours of the night wondering where he was. All the weight I lost from it. All the pain he put me through. I'm not a cold hearted b*tch, but I have a hard time feeling any sypmathy for him. For D5, yes. For him, no. I guess part of my not being able to be sympathetic with him now is because he said that he wouldn't be able to afford to live on his own right now but guess what he's doing next weekend? He's leaving on Thursday night and heading to IN. He and his brother are going to Detroit on Friday for Springsteen. He talked to a friend of his last night about playing cards on Saturday night. He knows his marriage is ending and his family is splitting, but it's still more important to him to go there next weekend. It's not that I'd want him to stay here next weekend but I guess to me it's more just proof to me that he comes first.
This morning when D5 and I left he told her he loved her. I think this is the first time in my life with him that I haven't worried even a little about him. I worry about how D5 will do, but she and I are close and I know with help I can get her through this. I've already started checking into DivorceCare programs. I've heard people here talk about them and my best friend told me how much programs like that helped her kids.
I'm really ready to be done this time around. Really ready.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
I have not posted in a long time but your post caught my eye. And I truly feel for you. And I have walked a mile in your shoes. And I can tell you this. You have earned your way out of the marriage. If he truly didn't want the marriage to end - he would have to making many permanent changes that he is obviously unwilling or unable to make.
My ex often felt he wasn't a good father. He left 8 years ago and although he maintained contact with the kids (weekly visitation with youngest), their R is not good to this day. Due to OW, they have never been to his house nor gone on vacation with him. It is usually an hour visit and for my older kids - a couple of times a year. Christmas is an hour in a restaurant or in the car.
Get yourself ready financially. Consult a lawyer. Make sure you are clear on your options and split when it is the best time for you and your child. Legally he has a right to see his child. He also has a legal responsibility to pay support. You need to get this established right off the bat. For her sake - I hope he does continue to see her - but custody? Not likely.
Your ex is immature and selfish and alcohol is playing a big part in this too. I know all about it. At 56 my ex has still not grown up. we married young and I couldn't see it at 20 but more than 30 years later it is very unattractive.
And trust that life will go on. I tried for a LONG time to save my marriage. When I finally gave up and moved on I ended up with a full and rich life. I met someone new. I have a great R with my children. And my life was NOT over. It just took a new turn. And yours will too.
Thank you. It's always a nice feeling when you get a quick response when you're venting and feeling low.
I look at my little angel and think of how many times she's had to comfort me when I'm hurting because of all of this and it makes me angry that a little 4-5 year old felt like she had to do that for her mommy. I know that we're strong and close and that we'll stay that way. I want her to have a close, strong relationship with her Dad. I really do. However, I know that she has other strong, supportive men (grandpa, uncles...) in her life that will gladly step up and be there for her if she needs them. I know it's not a replacement but they are there.
I know that I can't save him. For many years I've tried. Maybe after this he'll see, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll find a person that can make him see. I always thought I could be that one. I can't. I know that now and it doesn't bother me.
Barb, your comment about your ex being 56 and still immature sounds familiar. Mine is 42. I've often wondered when the change would come. I look at his brother (older) and some of his cousins and I realize that it might not come for a long time, if ever. I look at my Dad too. I love him very much, but he was an alcoholic for years. He didn't stop drinking and step up to the plate for my mom until about 9 years ago.....he's over 70 now. My mom put up with it for years. I always thought, if she can, I can. I just can't anymore.
I am confident about life going on. I can forsee having hard times, low times. But, I can also forsee getting back in touch with friends I haven't seen in a long time, meeting someone new.
I know I can do this.
SueS
ME: 42, H: 42, D6 Together: 18 yrs. Married: 15 yrs. Attended Retrouvaille - December 2009 Status: Working on it day by day
Sue, I left you a note on Yoyo's thread yesterday. the gist was just that we all have to get to this place on our own. No one can rush us it happens all in good time. If you ever need to chat, you know where to find me. I am thinking of you and D5. Hugs to you both.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Sue: It does sound like you are ready and you will be ok.
My ex husband's father was an alcoholic. He died at age 62 because he refused to adapt a healthy lifestyle. I used to be certain my H would "Wake up and see the light" but it didn't happen and if it does - it would be good for the kids but not for me. I have a much better life without him. He cheated us out of the family life we were supposed to have but ultimately he is cheating himself. His OW was just as bad - left a husband and son. She encourages his "right" to be himself. She just knows that if he sees the light - she loses her meal ticket. So be it. I just don't care anymore.
Good you have other role models for your daughter. I have a wonderful dad and brother and my own son is a fabulous dad replacement for my daughter.
Im sorry you are going through this again. But things are going to get better for you, you may not think it now and im sure you feel bad about your daughter not having a relationship with your H, but she has you. You have been there for everything he has not. You have been her main care giver, he has not. Kids are resilent. As long as she has you, you will be able to get through anything together.
You can't save this man.He does not want to be helped and you need to go forwad with your daughter and start a new life, and will eventually find someone who appreciates you and loves you and your daughter..
Will the keeping you and D5 in my thoughts and prayers.
((((hugs))))
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Many of us know the long road you've tread, and how long you held out hope that your H would turn around. I'm sorry he didn't, for everyone's sake. You can rest assure that you went above and beyond fighting for your M.
Sue, what everyone has said! I think moving forward will be a good thing for you and your family. You have done everything you can to save the marriage and should be proud of that. But I think if you move forward, drop the rope, etc., things will be so much better for you and your dd in the future. I'm so glad you've posted to let us know how you're doing!!! ((((Sue)))))
You know what I think already so I won't say it again apart from to say you are strong and marvelous and can do this. Your D will thank you for it one day. I think what my mom did was fantastic and that leaving my dad was the best thing she ever did for me and my sister. She showed me what a strong woman should be.
Get legal advice and if I were you I would lose your keys whilst you were out shopping when your H is away and need to get the locks changed. Pack up his stuff and leave it for him - ship it to his brother's if you have to - otherwise you will never get rid of him. His name isn't on your rental agreement is it? I seem to remember you were going to have this place to yourself anyways and then your H wormed his way back in by sleeping in his car. If his name isn't on the agreement - CHANGE THE LOCKS. He is not gong to go easily and maybe it might be an idea to have your D stay with your parents when you initially have your H find out he really isn't going to stay with you; you never know , she might just open the door for him by accident.
You are very much in my thoughts.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
and need to get the locks changed. Pack up his stuff and leave it for him - ship it to his brother's if you have to - otherwise you will never get rid of him. His name isn't on your rental agreement is it? I seem to remember you were going to have this place to yourself anyways and then your H wormed his way back in by sleeping in his car. If his name isn't on the agreement - CHANGE THE LOCKS. He is not gong to go easily and maybe it might be an idea to have your D stay with your parents when you initially have your H find out he really isn't going to stay with you; you never know , she might just open the door for him by accident.