New, my story

[SillyOldBear]

Wow. I wish I had some advice for that situation, but I think you're doing what you can for now. You clearly understand the real problem with Reiki, Applied Kinesiology, homeopathy, astrology, etc.--it's really not falsifiable, because it wasn't any sort of real evidence that convinced her in the first place. If you try to show her that it isn't real, you are dismissed as one of the countless millions who are too "narrow-minded" to understand and not open enough to see the amazing new world she's discovered.

The trouble is, there was clearly a time when she felt you weren't giving her attention, love and respect in the right amounts, and along comes this guy and essentially promises her that she has magical powers and he can help her unlock them. Nothing is actually too good to be true, he says. Let's do a simple test to see if we can't fix your marriage, he says.
Oh dear, he says, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but the test didn't go well.

Detaching makes sense. I don't see what else you can do. There's always the chance that she'll come to realize what's going on. The life coach/applied kinesiologist guy in particular sounds like a real piece of work, though, and he's clearly got an interest in keeping her on the hook. Now you want to do the right thing, but you have to be honest. He doesn't and he won't.

I would say you have to treat this guy like the Other Man even if she never has an affair with him. I would treat this like an emotional affair. So the detaching is good. Ignoring him as much as you can and giving her no support for this relationship with him is good, but I'd try not to come off as negative if you really want to keep her. Others who've been through the affairs and the WAW situation will have more advice than that, but you're doing the right things.

Remember that her attachment to him is at least partly a reaction to you and your marriage. It isn't real. It's based on her willing suspension of disbelief, same as any "normal" affair.

[Heartbroken20]

@HB20 My W is also into Angels and cards etc. Her kinesiologest also puts a big spin on God in what he does, so i just hope the fog will lift and she can see that she does not need me out of her life to be happy, because all that Ihave seen is that she is throwing out all the old things from the house, and I feel like one of things being dumped in the trash.

It IS amazing how they all try to convince you (and each other) that God is behind all of their actions and is working "through them" to help other people. I kinda doubt God needs Angel cards or Animals or mystical astrologers to tell you what you need to do with your life. Far as I can tell, he has a direct line to each of us that he can use any time.

I feel the same way about her happiness. I've asked her many times why she can't develop all these "powers" and explore new parts of herself AND STILL be married to me. She feels, based on everything she's been told, that I am holding her back from being her "highest, best self" and she will never get there if she stays with me. It's all brainwashing in my opinion, but it's "real" to her.

@SillyOldBear - I agree that something lacking in our marriage helped "push" her to seek it elsewhere, hence her EA and subsequent search for "highest, best, self". But her refusal to recognize it and try to work things out is more a result of MLC, rather than my specific actions, IMHO. Her refusal to acknowledge changes I've made and see that things would/will be different in the future and that we could have the marriage she wants is a result of the fog she is now in, as is her inability to foresee the immense damage she will cause and/or has already caused.

[Inaspin]

@sillyoldbear, I am sure she has been seduced by him and is having a EA, but she would never admit it as she is to "good" for that

found some messages on her phone that she had sent him asking if she should take our son the doctor as he is sick, the one message from her was just "xxx" and she had deleted all the messages he had sent. So I am pretty sure now!

anyway had a good day detaching and not contacting her, so gonna go on tomorrow and keep up the effort.

[SillyOldBear]

@SillyOldBear - I agree that something lacking in our marriage helped "push" her to seek it elsewhere, hence her EA and subsequent search for "highest, best, self". But her refusal to recognize it and try to work things out is more a result of MLC, rather than my specific actions, IMHO. Her refusal to acknowledge changes I've made and see that things would/will be different in the future and that we could have the marriage she wants is a result of the fog she is now in, as is her inability to foresee the immense damage she will cause and/or has already caused.

I don't doubt that at all, and I'm not trying to blame you anymore than you blame yourself. What I'm trying to say is that the old DB hands would probably advise you, if she were having an affair, that focusing on the other man is a mistake. I would follow that same advice with this goofy life coach guy. He is a symptom, not the disease. He just has a different schtick than the average OM.

[Heartbroken20]

Agreed.

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Good luck today with the MC. Above all, remain calm and as emotionally neutral as you can. It is NOT going to be easy, and you will likely have your heart stepped on more than once. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.

[SillyOldBear]

MC yesterday? How did it go?
(Maybe this would be better in Inaspin's thread, I guess . . . )

[Inaspin]

Hi , MC is only on Monday, so will def let you know how it goes.

Had an up and down week, not much change in W, but did manage not to get caught up in anything and did not backslide at all. really started detaching from Wednesday, and yesterday noticed a few responses from W.

1. she was very quick to ask me "what is wrong" yesterday morning, As I was not very chatty and only responded when she talked. I responded calmly nothing was wrong and would go downstairs and do my own thing. She has not shown any interest in how I was feeling for the last month, so this was a change.

2. It was her Grand Father's Funeral yesterday. Se was still very distant @ the funeral, and I tried to only show compassion and sympathy for her, although she did not look like she wanted it so I backed off. When we got back to her parents place for the reception, she again asked me what was wrong, I told her nothing and that I was just feeling emotional after the whole day, she then walked off in a huff. I went and sat with Family members and chatted, she came and sat on the arm of the chair I was sitting on and pushed up against me, she would brush my arm and then move her hand away, I did not stop her but I did not responded as I would have a week ago by trying to hold hands or anything. After that she was very friendly and chatty.

3. She then went to her kinesiologest @ 4pm for a "balance"! I then realised she was probably being nice etc. because she was feeling bad about going to him again. She phoned me before and after the appointment, she had not phoned me the whole week before that. I picked my son up from daycare and went and hit some golf balls with him at the driving range. When she got home she was a little more distant again, witch show's me this guy is definitely affecting our relationship. When we went to bed she said I love you and gave me a peck (can't call it a kiss) first time in a while.

So what I have already picked up in a short time is that detaching has definitely had an impact, very small steps, but I have noticed the change.

The funny thing is that this week I started to look at things a little differently. I still really want my marriage to work and will do what ever I can, but I will not be a doormat. I am a big part of why my marriage is the way it is, but so is she and this situation is her choice. I know that I do not deserve to be treated the way she is currently treating me, but by not reacting, showing unhappiness etc, I am taking away the power trip she has been on the last month, and starting to see that she is not as confident and in control as she thinks she is.

I am still anxious, feeling down etc, but the fear is slowly starting to leave me. I am beginning to accept my situation, and realize that stressing, worrying etc. will not change it. I have a plan of action now, and will try to deal with situations only as they arise, good or bad.

[Heartbroken20]

Inaspin - Good for you, looks like your detaching is working but just be prepared to be disappointed as she veers back and forth between the guru and you.

My W is typically very nice to me, though only in a platonic way, and as soon as I think she may be coming around a little bit, she brings up something about the divorce process. Total mind game so I just let everything roll off my back and stay cordial but distant (as I can) without appearing rude. No need to escalate tension.

Today is my birthday. She is making me a nice breakfast and gave me a kiss on the cheek this morning but no real warmth. No expectations for the day at all as don't want to be disappointed at end of day. Just trying to enjoy my girls as much as possible.

So sounds like you are doing the right thing, just continue to be consistent with it until she decides to make a big effort in your direction.

[Inaspin]

Journaling

As stated in my other Post http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...994#Post1870994 Mondays MC was much harder for me than I had anticipated. My reaction afterwards was probably the worst thing I could have done, Trying to defend myself and telling my W that she was looking @ me through broken glasses. I do feel like I have not only backslid on all the things I set out to do, but may have blown my last shot at saving my M.

I did not sleep on Monday evening and left work early yesterday to try and get some rest, my W had to go see a client and left our S with me so I was not able to sleep in the afternoon. I finally got some sleep last night and woke up this morning feeling sick and aching all over. My W was the coldest she has been to me since the bomb.

Today I prayed for GOD to give me some peace and direction. I know I must now only focus on myself and my son. I need to forgive myself for what I have done in the past, and accept the situation as it is. I am hurting, but I must face reality. These fantasy's I've had of my W coming to me and saying she will give us another chance have only led me to frustration and more pain.

I am not giving up, I'm just being realistic. My son needs to be protected as much as possible through this, He does not deserve to suffer because of our decisions.

So here I am again, scared, but realistic. I have asked God to come in to my life, to help and guide me through this dark forest, and to a light that will finally give me some peace, because long before my W dropped the Bomb, I have been living with to much pain, shame and guilt, and I realize now that it was this that led me to where I am today in my life.