Hello, I, like all of you, am at the end of my rope.
Lets begin. In April my husband seemed more distant then usual. I questioned him and he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be married anymore. We began C and did a planned reconciliation. After one date my H seemed agitated so I found a new C. He came home from his first session and said that he was done. I was crushed. We have three children and a very close family life. He has no money so he just stayed on the couch. After several weeks, I told him that if he was not going to be my husband he would have to find another place to live. He moved out in July. He is in the basement of a friends house and cannot take the kids. Instead he visits them at our house. He makes no money and our house is about to be foreclosed on. He is having an affair and is completely in love. he thinks only of this love and has his own agenda. He is getting a place for the winter and will start to take the kids for the weekends. He wants to go around the OW schedule and could care less what the kids want. He is so blind as to what he is doing to the kids. he says a happy daddy is a happy family. He is in la la land. I have spent the last six months reading and doing everything to reconcile. I am at my last straw. He wants a life with this other woman then why does he come crying to me about finances. Why is he on meds for depression? Why does he continue to lie to me? I just want my kids to have the family they deserve. It is not looking good. I have done the 180 thing and the more independent I become and the more I watch out for myself the more distant he becomes. this is a living nightmare. Everyday I try. Everyday something slaps me in the face. How could a person change so much? He was a fun, easygoing, honest man that everyone loves. Now he is under total control of this OW. Do they really think they have a future? I have heard this is a roller coaster ride but how much can a person take. I cannot afford to get a divorce and I cannot stand the way I feel and cry all of the time. He definitely shows nooooo signs of coming back. He does not love me anymore. He is also showing signs of MLC. What do i do. If I hear take care of your kids and yourself one more time. How do you do that when everyday you have to live with this pain. I don't want to be the "Bitch I married and brought into this OAW life" What a horrible way to end a 13 marriage that brought three beautiful children into the world. There are no resources for me. I cannot go to online counseling, I am broke. Any advice? It there anybody out there that went through this and came out the other side happy and together? What turned it around for you? Any help would be great.
Yes, do keep posting. My sitch is much different as well. If he is in MLC i know there are much different ways to handle that. I will say that just because he wants to live around the OW sched doesnt mean you should!
You def need to make certain you and the children are taken care of and have a place to live. Have you made plans for this? You prob should contact an atty to protect yourself and the kids, esp with a pending FC.
Christmas, I feel your pain. This is different from my sitch as well, but I will try to add some thoughts.
1. Are you able to GAL or do anything for yourself? You say that you have three children, so it probably means you don't have much free time? Is there anyone who can keep the kids while you get a little "you" time? I know that you are low on funds but there should be some free things you can do depending on what your interests are?
2. Appearance - Have you been able to change any thing about you pyhsically? New haircut? Any new clthes? New lipstick? New nailpolish? Again, it depends on the availability of funds but a little change can make you feel so much more positive.
3. Detaching - If you can detach, you will be able to cope much better. It is way easier said than done because it is a gradual process. There is a thread here on detaching. See if you can read it.If you can keep your eyes off your H and placethem on somethung else like new activities with your kids, a new hobby or group, ANYTHING that you are interested in that is new and will keep you occupied.
4. Time - I know it sucks but you just have to work through it. Time is a healer. There are many success stories on this board which you can read up on. Success depends on how you define it. For some it is reconciliation, which is the ultimate aim of most here. For others it is coming out of it stronger, better and with the realization that you can make it on your own if necessary and tha you WILL be happy. It all takes time. Let the emotions out but also do something fun everyday to take your mind off it all.
MLC - if your H is in MLC you will need lots of patience and a good sense of humor would be an asset!
Do nothing - If you have done all you can and made all the efforts towards reconciliation perhaps you should stand back, give him some space, work on yourself and your kids and take it from there.
If you give more information on yourself like your ages (you,H, kids)we will be able to help more.
Good advice, kara. Patience, yes! "Doing nothing?" Hmmm.....
Yeah, and while you are doing nothing, "being still".....etc....I would advise you seeing a lawyer.
And before anyone panics, calls me names again, freaks out, admonishes or accuses me of encouraging you to divorce, etc....please, don't bother. The last time I checked, I was entitled to my own opinion.
It is so lame that some posters are incapable of holding two opposing thoughts in their heads at the same time. And if I seem a bit grouchy about this, it is because I am often attacked for daring to voice my opinion. So this is sort of a preemptive strike.
So, as I was saying, it is actually possible for you to want to preserve your marriage AND get a free consultation so you will know what your options are. You may even find it to be empowering to take back some control for yourself and you most certainly need to protect your children. You are going to need legal advice anyway, so you might as well get it as soon as possible. Knowledge is power.
And, you will eventually (soon, actually) need a court-mandated order in place for maintenance during your separation. He needs to take care of business before starting another relationship.
You don't need to tell anyone that you've seen a lawyer, and in fact, I would advise telling your wayward h very little about anything that you are doing.
He's living in a basement and simpering after the "love of his life?" I know it hurts, but when you step back and look at his behavior, it's really pitiful.
Who is this guy? Well, I thought the same thing about my ex. Who are they? They are the guys we married. This side of them was in there all along. Nobody has cast a spell on them. There are good men, and women, out there who do not pull this sh!t and betray the spouses and children who love them.
Go ahead and do little things for yourself and your children. Do not do them with your h in mind. It's difficult and some days will be almost unbearable. If you feel like curling up into a ball and pulling the covers over your head, do so. It's better than forcing yourself to go out and "have fun." That will come later. Do what you have to do to get through the day.
Be there for your sweet children. Focus on them, not your h. Do not listen to, nor respond, to his sob story about finances. A man who can't take care of his kids is not a man at all. Just imagine how it would be if he took all that energy he has to figure out a future with his ow and focused it on a future with you and his children instead.
Hi. Your sitch is a lot like mine. I have a H who also fell in love with someone else and told me he was done. Although he did not move out he put me through hell for one year. I did not know about the OW until about 3 months ago. Even after I found out he continued to see her and stay here at home even after I told him to GET OUT. I also was in a financial crisis, but I borrowed money from my sister and paid for divorce busting counseling sessions. In a few short weeks of talking with my coach on the phone my H began to notice some very real changes--and keep in mind, this was so hard to be nice and sweet while setting firm boundaries and looking fantastic all the time, but I did and it worked. All of a sudden he began to notice me appearance, then I began to talk to him about small stuff, like the kids and school, or their friends or his new job, just mindless stuff, but he said his OW offered him communication so I talked--but never about the relationship. A few times I slipped and cried and told him I didn't want to be a single mom and had all our hopes and dreams of the future still in my mind and that I still loved him even though he loved someone else, but then I would post here and get help and encouragement from people here to get back on track and do the DB techniques. It worked. My H has asked me to take him back 4 weeks ago and completely ended his A and has become totally transparent. He saw how the kids were falling apart, our S18 was failing out of high school and doing things he shouldn't to mask his pain and our D14 was also failing and quit eating. We also have a younger D who even noticed Daddy was never around or when he was he guarded his phone and left the room every time a text came in or a call.
Anyways, look into the phone coaching with the DB counselors, because they are amazing. I had Dottie and she is so real and kind, firm and gentle. It is worth it.
Find a good friend to talk to also, because that helps keep you sane when you feel like giving up on life. don't forget your kids though, because if you are falling apart, they are too. You are the only stable thing in their lives right now, so don't let them down. Be the best for them you can be. It does make you feel better to be with them. Also, be sure you eat right and get exercise, because that makes you feel better. I know your depth of despair, I was there and am now coming out of it. I do now see the importance of doing good for myself though, because I am a much more desirable person now. I hope this helped and good luck.
Kimmie Lee, I have not been on DB for a while and just read your note. Thank you so much. I love to hear a success story. I want to have the same outcome as you and pray everyday for it. I have changed my appearance and am as friendly as can be. I feel as if I am in quick sand. I am falling deeper and deeper and he is getting more distant and seems to be more in love with OW every day. What did you mean by communication. I was unsure whaT YOU MEANT BY ow AND COMMUNICATION. i AM THERE FOR THE KIDS AND FIND GREAT COMFORT IN THEM. wE HAVE A NEW RELATIONSHIP. i HAVE ALWAYS BEEN THE OVER PROTECTIVE MOM AND NOW WE ARE GREAT FRIENDS AS WELL. i HAVE DONE EVERYTHING AROUND THE HOUSE AND ASK MY h FOR NOTHING. i ONLY TALK WITH HIM ABOUT FAMILY STUFF AND ALWAYS WITH A SMILE AND SENSE OF HUMOR. Sorry I locked the caps.I have no money for online DB but would love to have some advice from you. What do you think helped get your H to notice you? I am so happy for you. Good luck with everything and send me a note when you can.
