She doesn't love me anymore...or does she?

[daybyday]

Sorry you are going through this but it sounds similar to many sitches, including mine. Don't dismiss any type of affair. True, not all sitches deal with an affair but you must find the root and cause of her discontent, and the reason, before you you can fix anything. So until you know for sure, be suspicious and do your homework. Puppy prodded me to check. I didnt want to and believed it couldnt happen, but discovered and EA. After this was brought out in to the open, we were able to fix our M. We are better than ever now, but, I was in limbo for quite a while waiting for her tofigure out what she had. IMHO, you owe it to your M to do as Ready says. Gain knowledge and be aware. By the way, thanks Puppy.....

[Ready2Change]

Commit to personal growth and go into this as Michelle says, with "A Beginner's Mind"

[confusedafter16]

Hey all, thanks for the thoughts. I am not discounting Puppy's thoughts and observations. It may very well be true, my concern is that I don't know what to do to find out without being busted for snooping, which I imagine would be detramental to repairing my marriage. Incidentially, I was laid off in May. My credit and finances are so shot she could only get a pre paid cell if she wanted another phone...unless OM bought it. How would I even find this out without being suspect? I appreciate you're experiences, I don't have any in this area, and I am very torn...but not blind to unpleasant possibilities either. Thanks.

[Ready2Change]

My understanding is that the A is addicting based on the thrill of the secrecy. So you can choose to learn to be "More sneaky" than the wayward spouse. You get caught, they get sneakier. Example, you find pot in your kids drawer. You confront him. Will he keep the pot in his drawers any more? He will find a better place. You will then look in "better" places. He will smoke pot no matter what you do. You can not control him. He resents the control and will smoke more pot. "YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME" is his subconscious thought process.

You can choose to set boundaries and confront lies. You smell pot when your kid comes in.

"I do not want potheads in my house. Please come home when you are not high"

"I am not high": "I will not tolerate being lied to either"

[confusedafter16]

R2C...I hear what you're saying, but do you have any suggestions on what to look for and where. I am not an idiot, but I don't even know where to begin. Checked phone records already. A couple of numbers i didnt recognize, but not repetative or long calls.

[Ready2Change]

You are asking the wrong man on how to snoop. I committed not to do that. Ask PUPPY.

W wanted her freedom, I chose to set W free.
I chose to work on me.
I chose to fight for joint custody of my kids.
I chose to find my own happiness without W.

I feel I made good choices for me.

[Ready2Change]

Seduction is an interesting interaction to study. All your changes will be seductive to W. Become the best man you can. Make yourself the best option. BUT DO IT FOR YOU AND NOT HER. Make the process fun. Forgive W. I am continually forgiving W and I grow each time I do so. Compassion is a very important skill to learn. She is hurting just as bad as you. She is confused right now. She will lash out to hurt you. DO NOT LASH BACK.

I wish you well. Remember that everything will be OK no matter what she chooses. I chose the high road and am thankful that I did. NO REGRETS.

I am leaving work now. Enjoy your weekend (THAT IS A CHOICE YOU CAN MAKE).

[gucci loafer]

She's going out to a friends house on Friday to hang out,

Red flag of an affair. I have been at this for 20+ years. TEXTBOOK excuse.

Suddenly they are always "going" to their "friends" house...
That is their cover. The friend is the cover for them....

That is a place to start...

We need to smoke this out. I am all for snooping to find out the truth. You have a right to know the truth. Knowing the truth will give you what you need to make correct decisions. Things will make sense more.


IF there wasn't someone else then she would be open to repairing the marriage. She would have nothing to lose. She would be glad that you are now awake.


Think of it as like this...

IF you had a job you originally liked, and then as time went on you started to see things you didn't like as much, would you quit that job if you didn't have another one lined up? If you told your boss that you were unhappy and then your boss said he didn't want to lose you and would give you a raise and make working conditions better, wouldn't that make you happy and allow you to see if he was serious?


BUT.. What if you suddenly were offered a job with another company with more pay and had it lined up BEFORE your boss knew you were unhappy so much?. Suddenly that company wanted you and was offering you the moon. On paper the job looked perfect. Suddenly the job you were in wasn't looking so good. You remember the low pay and the bad working conditions.


You decide to take the other job. You tell your present boss that you are giving your notice. He had been overbearing for many years....However you now know that you have something else lined up. You want to tell him all the things you didn't like and COULD NOT say to him before..


WHY? Because you weren't going to leave something without something else in line. Who would? Now that you have something that seems better yo know you don't have to take the boss's crap anymore. You would never have left a job before without another opportunity in hand. You may have been unhappy, but you wouldn't chance leaving not knowing where you would go or how you were going to make it. NOW if the old boss changes his tune you will hesitate. You will think.. Too little too late. Why did he wait he until I wanted out to offer this raise and better working conditions..... Suddenly he treats you better after you have given him your notice. Back and forth your mind goes to whether you are making a mistake. Do you now call the new work place and tell them you changed your mind on this GREAT opportunity? round and round your mind wanders.




This analogy is why many of us believe STRONGLY that your wife is interested in someone else. If she wasn't she would be more open and interested in staying.

She has another job offer...


IF she didn't, she would be glad that you are now offering her a raise and better working conditions.


Do your homework... Going to a friends house is a red flag.

[Kimmie Lee]

And I stand by what I said upthread. How come no one ever believes me?

You w is already interested in someone else.

[Kittyfish]

No, I was saying just to go to the attorney to see what your options are- not because I think it's hopeless.

I hope I'm wrong.