HELP! I am asking for input on how to continue to act around my W and still drive to positive results in reconciling my marriage.
Projecting that you are HAPPY with or without her is very important. Making as many positive change to yourself is also very important. Show these changes in your actions and appearance. DO NOT USE WORDS. Fake it till you make it.
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We're in MC.[quote]Go to MC with as many 180's as you can. If you are a talker, LISTEN. New clothing, new hair style, cologne , Change your facial hair - clean shaven, goat( pick a style you like that is new). Focus and remember every word she says. While she is talking, look at her face, study it. Think about all the reasons she is beautiful. Enjoy her "right then and there" no matter what she is saying.
You can release your emotions when you are alone.
[quote] She is their willingly with and open mind, but has made it clear that she just doesn't love me anymore and needs independence.
Give her what she wants. Tough love is required. "If you love someone, set them free". The sooner you set her free, the sooner she can focus on HER issues and you can continue making your positive changes that will draw her back to you. "This is not what I want, but If moving out will make you happy, I will not stand in your way"
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What is my best course of action around the house
Take your focus OFF W and do what makes you happy.
Here are things (rituals) I do that make me happy, take the list and modify it to your needs:
When I wake up, I lie there in bed and enjoy the feeling of my sheets. I stretch and enjoy how good that feels. I take 2 or three really deep breaths and enjoy the feeling of that. I have nice art work in my room that I really like. I look at it and enjoy that. When I get in the shower, I focus on all the good feelings while washing myself. The hot water on my body feels so good. I have several choices of shampoo that all smell different. Coconut this morning. It reminds me of the beach. I massage my head with the shampoo and completely enjoy the feeling. I have nice looking/feeling towels. I have 6 different colognes to choose from. My wardrobe is completely new and I pick clothes that look good on me and good together. (My choice, what every makes me happy that day). Anywhere from suit and tie to jeans and t-shirt. I enjoy listening to music. I turn it up and rock out in the house and on the way to work. I stop into Starbucks daily, I have close relationships with each member of the staff, I enjoy seeing them and hearing about their lives......
I buy nice flowers and arrange them in a vase on the table. I cut them down daily, exchange the water and they last 2 weeks.
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as we're living as friends
Friends is a good starting point. I assume you want to be lovers. Do things for her that make you happy without expectations. Do not fear the future. live in the moment and do things that SHE WOULD NOT EXPECT. Do the flower thing (FOR YOU). If she asks about them, DO NOT SAY ANYTHING. Look at her in the eyes, enjoy that feeling and give her a smile. When she looks away, you walk away.
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sleeping in the same bed
Is this working for you? SEX? Who initiates sex? Readup on turning a woman on. Try setting some boundaries or maybe give her some choice (All acceptable to you).
"I know things are not ideal right now. I feel we have a couple options that would make our situation more comfortable for me. The first options is for you to move out of OUR bedroom and sleep on the couch. The second option would be to snuggle in our bed and fall asleep together."
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How do I best respond when she says she's going out,
Happily say "Have a great time!"
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how do I best tell her I'm going out without sounding spiteful or phony?
I am going to do XYZ. Whould you like to join me? I am going out. Bye!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Hey R2C, thank you for the feedback and questions!!! The support I feel from you and others makes this bearable. I will admit that I have been here for a few days only and I am stopping to get DR today on the way home.
To your questions - I am doing my best to keep a good game face on at home (smiling, small verbal exchanges) without feeling like it's transparent, but not sure what she sees. We agreed in MC to not discuss our relationship between sessions. Not sure how I can tactfully provide some tough love with that agreement in place without blowing it. I feel like I'm hanging on by my fingernails...how the hell do you just stop loving someone after 14 or 15 happy years and realize you need to be independent? Is my wife having a MLC?
W and I are scheduling our own activities and going out around one another, so that one of us is home with our D. Seems to be working ok, as she predominantly goes to her best girlfriends house (mutual husband and wife friends) to drink wine and chat in the hot tub. I don't ask how it was, what they talked about, etc, unless she offers. I am also going out now, but gotta tell you it's hard and I'm not having alot of fun yet.
We are in the same bed. No sex since the bomb was dropped 2 weeks ago, and no contact of any kind in bed, but she hasn't left, or asked me to leave for another room. I called our MC this morning to ask if I was talking too much in sessions, as I have a tendency to do that (in my marriage as well...drive's my wife nuts, as she doesn't like to talk about feelings at all). MC said a little. Given that W says she doesnt love me and needs independence, and I want to work to repair our marriage and relatinship, MC is going to ask us our goals in counseling next week...I am afraid of what I'll hear and what to do with it. As I may have said, we haven't talked about D or S at this point. Did I say this sucks?
All of the responses I am getting are saying that my wife is having an affair. I will admit that I don't know what goes on when I'm not here, but the discussion that I had with my wife when she told me she doesnt love me would have been perfect time for her to be honest, as I ask her if there was an OM. I'm not feeling like I'm being naive, just that I feel like I know my wife....now that sounds naive huh?
I appreciate the help and input from everyone here, but I am struggling when and where to apply the different recommendations. UGH! I feel like I can look my W in the eye an tell that she's being truthful, but this whole situation is so mind boggling I can't even put it into words!
You and I are in very very similar situations. The only difference is we are not going to MC yet.
My wife also told me she is not in love anymore and needs more time, space and independence. We are still living in the same house but sleeping in different rooms. She doesn't want me calling her and emailing her so much anymore, etc etc
I asked my wife if there was OM and she told me no. I believe her and just don't see the need to damage the trust we have built between us by spying on her or anything.
I too was frustrated on this board because there are one or two folks who keep insisting my wife is having an affair. I just don't understand why some jump right to that conclusion everytime.
LHSM I agree with you. Call me naive, but if W is telling me she doesn't love me while looking me in the eye, I don't feel like I will make any progress in getting it better if I push or snoop.
I may be wrong, but I don't feel that I can effectively move forward to any hopes of reconciliation if I don't have some trust. I get a pit in my stomach every time I read here that she must be having an A. I guess I am doing what I can to keep a smile on my face right now, and obessing on something I can't prove just makes me feel sick and untrusting..and unhappy.
Im not sure if my W wants a divorce, is secretly talking to a L or what. She hasn't mentioned it above and beyond what I've shared. I don't know if she hasn't becuase she is appeasing me with MC first. I just don't know! ugh.
LHSM I agree with you. Call me naive, but if W is telling me she doesn't love me while looking me in the eye, I don't feel like I will make any progress in getting it better if I push or snoop.
I may be wrong, but I don't feel that I can effectively move forward to any hopes of reconciliation if I don't have some trust. I get a pit in my stomach every time I read here that she must be having an A. I guess I am doing what I can to keep a smile on my face right now, and obessing on something I can't prove just makes me feel sick and untrusting..and unhappy.
Im not sure if my W wants a divorce, is secretly talking to a L or what. She hasn't mentioned it above and beyond what I've shared. I don't know if she hasn't becuase she is appeasing me with MC first. I just don't know! ugh.
You are almost a mirror image of me right now. I want to still trust my wife and she has not shown me any reason not to trust her.
She married young and I understand her need from some independence in her life now. Unfortunately I took her for granted too long and it got to this point where she needs to decide if our marriage can get better or will it just always be this way.
As far as her having an affair, my wife has a low guilt threshold and I don't think she could go this long without confessing to me about it if it were true. So for now I am ignoring any talk about an affair. If that does become true then I can hear I told you so.
I think right now I am trying to concentrate on making myself attractive to my wife again. Both physically and emotionally. It is difficult because I feel depressed and scared. I took the week of work so I could try to get my head straight. Last week at work I could barely function.
I hope you and I both have happy endings to our marriages.
Amazing how the woman that you love can look you in the eye stone faced and that she doesn't love you anymore. Holy S$%t, are you kidding? I just don't get it. I am following the advice of being happy and cordial but not talking too much, but I really haven't got a clue on what to do to actually appeal to her. I really believe (without anything concrete to base it on) that W is having regrets about being "a wife" and "a mother" and not feeling successful as an individual. This all started when she started her own business last year, that ended up failing this year. As the business failure was coming, W started to withdraw. I had previously told her that I felt this was a contributing factor, she disagrees and doesnt know how long she's been unhappy. What the heck?
You might want to take a look at "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" if you haven't already. It offers good insight into how couples may think they are communicating and understanding each other, but may actually be totally missing each other's meaning and not fulfilling each other's needs. Wish I had read this one 2 years ago- although me & W are two women, I have discovered I often communicate more like a man (offering solutions instead of listening & validating). :-(
Also, the "5 Love Languages" is an eye-opening read as well. You may not have been saying "I love You" in a "language" your partner understands... what you learn from this one you apply AFTER you & W agree to work on M.
Me: 50; Wife: 48 Gay; civil union in NJ no kids M: 15 years, together 17 Bomb (OW) 2/09 (EA 3mos/PA 3mos) ILYBINILWY W out of house, w/OW, in separation talks, nothing filed
Amazing how the woman that you love can look you in the eye stone faced and that she doesn't love you anymore. Holy S$%t, are you kidding? I just don't get it. I am following the advice of being happy and cordial but not talking too much, but I really haven't got a clue on what to do to actually appeal to her. I really believe (without anything concrete to base it on) that W is having regrets about being "a wife" and "a mother" and not feeling successful as an individual. This all started when she started her own business last year, that ended up failing this year. As the business failure was coming, W started to withdraw. I had previously told her that I felt this was a contributing factor, she disagrees and doesnt know how long she's been unhappy. What the heck?
My wife says she no longer loves me either. I have told her things can be different and she follows that with actions speak louder than words. I have been trying hard the past few days to show her I want to be a different man.
