Saffie, hope you are feeling better. I could not make out what you were talkin about with Gabriel and the alternative universe. Sorry but not following.
I am cautiously optimistic. I hope I can be the light and happy person he wants. Doesnt help that his first day back, I borrowed H's van to help an indigent patient of mine transport his wheelchair ramp and ended up doing 2900 dollars worth of damage to my H van's door in the parking garage at work. There is an old saying of my grandma's "No good deed goes unpunished" Then that evening my 22 year old son did extensive damage to our other car. Thankfully everyone was alright. But , H goes from pleasant evenings with Ow watching football and cuddling to car accidents with his family. My friend who is a very born again Christian says Satan is very angry that adultery and lying is not winning and he is striking back!
Yes, it hurts that H really loves her too and is hurting about her. I think you are right that he wants to shield other woman. I just hope he really is committed.
P17 Thanks for your reality dose. I dont know how I will ever know he is 100% committed. After being lied to for 2 years, I dont think I am a very good judge of people. I know you are encouraging me to set boundaries but somehow in my heart knowing my H, I think at the beginning he needs mostly positive, forgiving love and acceptance and very little in terms of demands until he feels more comfortable. HE absolutely hates any kind of confrontation or even any negative feelings. She was always light and happy with no heavy discussion at all. You are probably gonna hit me with a 2 x 4 to the head at this point.
I'm happy for you, Benotafraid. Have a great Xmas with your family. That is something that you have and OW can never have with him. It is a wonderful prize that is often overlooked. I hope your children will continue to talk to their Dad about how important their family is to them. I believe that is a good part of what brought him around to the right decision. A good book, that you both can read and discuss, is After the Affair by Janis Spring. And again, I recommend a Retrouvaille weekend to put the past behind you and make the future a happier one.
No worries. If you read carefully you might get what I was getting at- there is a contact message in there somewhere!!! - lol - I wasn't that delerious!!!!
FWIW, I think you should enjoy Christmas together and make your H feel safe. Plenty of time for discussing things once he feels safe to do so. It's important though NOT to let this be the 'end' but to make sure he knows that you want him to feel safe enough to be able to tell you in the future how he honestly feels, so that he never again feels the need to lose closeness with you or look elsewhere. It's all about how you frame it and do it. Accusations etc get you know where - but you know this already. You have done sterling work at getting your M in a stiuation where you can now work at getting it back on track; to a place where it is balanced and loving and neither of you are walking on eggshells.
This is the beginning of all the hard work, so for now, sit back and enjoy the season's festivities with your family once more intact.....and then start the New Year with a clean slate and some good resolutions on both sides.
Read the stuff about keeping the changes going and keep on getting the Cing.
I do believe this is one area where many DBer's fall down as they have fought one sided to keep the M going for so long .....and now they have to learn to be a 'team' again. Learning how to interact in a positive, non-threatening way is so hard, and I think Lotus' suggestion of Retrouvaille is a good one. Your H may not be ready to be receptive to that idea yet....but if not now, then maybe in time. Good communication is the answer.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thanks everyone for the advice. Busy weekend. H was around whole time. Had fun at a party. He had discussion with son last night and it went well. It is so wonderful to have H and son in same room without the tension. H just left to go to work--OW works for him and is there. I am praying hard he can do this and sty committed. I am going to talk to my DB C tomorrow morning but as much as I want to, I am making no requests about OW (and it is so hard) I am cutting my work hours so I can be home close to when H gets off work so no time for drinks after work with Ow. i just cant bring myself to walk into his dental office yet with her in there but maybe I should reestablish my turf a little.
Thank you Lotus for rec. on book. I am a little nervous about the whole communication thing with my H--he is able to talk to Ow and flirt with her so much easier than with me. It is like we just have this pattern of communication and he responds to my teasing or flirting so differently. He does not give more than one sentence answers most of the time. I am trying to do little acts of service--his love language and he is accepting them but what I have overheard/snooped on with the Ow--He is the one doing the caretaking/service/offering to make her food or a drink, is she warm enough. I am just going to be patient and loving.
Then there is the ML. He cant seem to perform anymore without Cialis with me but told the C there was no problem with the OW. For me, I seem to want to ML all the time now.Is this normal. I kinda feel like this might not last and I need some good memories. I need the reassurance.
Today, with H going back to work with OW this all seems like a house of cards ready to fall but I need to give it time and just enjoy today. Hope you are recovering well Saffie.
What you are going through/feeling is extremely normal. I can remember wanting to ML ALL the time. Part of it I think was to 'restamp' my mark/scent on my H and part was to make sure he didn't have the energy to try and ML to OW if she did happen to make a play for my H again.
Does OW hold a position of much authority in your H's practice? Do you think there's a chance that because of your H's decision she may find it hard to continue to work there and might look elsewhere. OW in my sitchcouldn't face the other staff in my H's firm after he dropped her: she felt she had lost all credibility and I don't think she could take being seen as having 'lost'.
I think it's a good thing to subtly re establish your turf.
This time is hard and things will fluctuate back and forth emotionally. Just keep on with your being there and making your H feel safe and secure. Make this a great Christmas
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Well made it through Christmas in good form. So nice to have H and son watching games together and laughing. I have been cooking up a storm and trying to be as available as possible for cuddling and justsitting together. OW texted H on Christmas but he didnt text her back yet. He did text her Christmas eve to check on her and another employee who both were sick. But, he only deletes OW text messages. I have been leery of being too demanding as it is early in the R process. Also, I have major trust issues and like to be able to look to see if he is text/calling her..
The OW has a managerial role at H office and he depends on her very much to fix his computer system. I dont think the office staff knows they had/are having an A except for one front desk person I thought knew and let it slip when I had a front facing come off and didnt want my H toput it back on so she scheduled me with his partner. The OW got really sick right after my Hbroke it off with her. However, I dontthink she will leave. The economy is awful here and she makes a huge amount of money compared to what she would make anywhere else (And dummy me thought she was worth paying extra to keep and advised my H to give her extra bonuses to keep her--I guess he was doing that already!)
I think things are going well with ML and being together. It is still a little hard to talk to him. Sometimes I am sitting next to him and smiling and thinking in my head "You betrayed me with that ugly troll!" Is it normal to get more mad after they come back? He still hasnt put his wedding ring back on either but we are going to a New Years Eve party as a couple. He is moving back in stages--stays here but brings clothes over in spurts. This is such uncharted water for me--I dont know what to expect at alland it feels like walking inthe pitch black dark.
