What do you do when you think you're done?

[Esox]

So,

Perhaps this isn't the correct place to post this, but what do you do when, well, you know that you think you might just done with your current relationship?

Add that you have two kids, 9 and 5 that you couldn't stand being separated from, add that your spouse is a divorce lawyer and really good at it, add that things aren't hostile and there is no abuse or addiction, but there certainly isn't any real connection either, and there are no other people involved as far as I can tell.

I'm not quite at indifferent yet, but I am getting pretty damn close. So, if your spouse felt this way and you knew how they felt what would you do?


Thanks,

Old Esox.

[pigskin]

I guess it just depends on what YOU want. Feelings can change. That's what this whole board is about. Are you willing to try to save your marriage or not? It will take a tremendous toll on you, so you've got to want it to have a chance.

[Esox]

Hi Pig,

I have changed me. I have got a life. I don't look towards my wife to meet any my needs. But that comes at a cost.

I guess at this point I am just going to suck it until the kids matriculate. I just wanted to hear what other folks thought.

[mnt_dreams]

my thoughts....

it's when you are indifferent to your S's actions, thoughts or feelings that you're done. When you don't spend time thinking about what they are doing, and who they are with. When you don't wake up in the morning (or 3am) thinking about them or go to sleep hugging your pillow wishing they were there. When you get through an entire day without thinking of them at all. When you don't search for them anymore... driving by, stopping by, checking out FB for any changes or evidence of other people. When you stop spending your energy thinking about your S, and put the focus exclusively on yourself and your needs, your plans, your life.

That's when.

[Esox]

Hi Dreams,

It's not that I am indifferent to what my wife does, it is that ... well I just am done fighting. I still care I guess, but I am done complaining about her actions.

Oh most of the time I really don't care what she is doing, of who she is doing if that was in the mix. I've snooped and it doesn't appear that I have to deal with infidelity. In fact, if she were in adultery then I would divorce her. She isn't.

I actually feel better when she is not here. And I know that that isn't good. But it is just how I feel. At this point I am just hanging with the kids and smiling and waving through the rest of it.

Stuck,

Esox

[mnt_dreams]

Here's a question for you, then - what do you want in terms of the marriage? Do you want to stay together and put in the hard work to make the marriage better? If she would work on the R and you worked at it, and you could create a new marriage, is that your goal? Or, are you not sure she's the person you want to be with anymore and you don't think you'd want a new marriage with her, or just don't see it as feasible? What's your goal, what's your dream? I think you have to figure out what you really want at this point. Then move in that direction.

[Esox]

Dreams,

Well I guess I am going to stay in the marriage. No, my wife has no interest in doing anything for the marriage . . . she is happy I guess.

I certainly don't want to be with anyone else, I don't have the . . . well . . . energy to do that.

If I didn't have kids I would divorce. Today. But I do have kids, and I am an active father. I guess I'm just bitching. I cannot change her. Sadly, she is what she is.

[Steve McQueen]

Perhaps this isn't the correct place to post this, but what do you do when, well, you know that you think you might just done with your current relationship?

Smile, alot. and stop talking about the relationship.

[karen43]

If I didn't have kids I would divorce. Today. But I do have kids, and I am an active father. I guess I'm just bitching. I cannot change her. Sadly, she is what she is.

It doesn't sound like you're ready for D yet. I think you have to be 100% ready b/c D is such a hard process.

I agree with trying to stay together for the kids, but at a certain point, I don't think it's healthy for you to stay in an unhealthy R only for the kids b/c you are role-modeling marriage for your kids, and esp. if there is something like adultery or abuse (verbal or physical) or addiction in the marriage that is not a good thing for your kids to see you allow long-term.

I think it took me about 18 months to get to the point where Iw was/am ready to divorce, and think it is for the best. You cannot have a healthy marriage if only one wants to be in the R and work on it. I think each person has to decide when that point is that you are ready to drop the rope. I do think some people like our WAS give up too soon, but it's not good to go on for years and years in an unhealthy M either imo.

[Esox]

Hi Karen,

Are you really ready for divorce? I ask myself that and I'm not really certain. My wife is a divorce attorney. She will seriously rape me in a divorce. I do know the other good divorce attorneys in town, but my wife's firm is certainly the best. And she screw me. It is just the way she is.

I am 43 and I guess, well, f-it. I'm a bit too old to start over, and well I have what . . . 30 more years if I'm lucky. I just feel f'ed.

Sorry,

Esox