What to do, what to do?

[courts0818]

Oh my goodness...okay heart's now in pieces after reading what your littlest one was saying. : (

He knows exactly what he needs to do - come home and be a loving H and father - the same thing my H needs to do! Lulu, I feel that exact same pain when my DD is hurting from a stupid, selfish choice my H makes.

But...the light here is that your H actually felt guilty and acknowledge it. Maybe he's finally seeing through his fog - that this isn't just about him. IMO coming home for your daughters is a very positive start - it won't mean that things are fine between you two. But it will mean that your H understands and accepts some responsibility for the confusion and hurt he's caused your DDs. It's a step in the right direction. Wish my H would feel guilty for what he's done to our DD.

[courts0818]

You have mail. : )

[LuLu]

It's been awhile since I've posted. I really feel like I need the support here more now than ever, so I'm back. H and I have been going to MC every two weeks. He's told me as recently as last week that he's not in love with me anymore and doesn't think he wants a relationship with me. H met with OW 2 weeks ago. First time they saw each other in months. OW is trying to win back her H and is very depressed. She called up my H crying and said she wanted to see him. He was there within hours. I only found out because OW-STBXH emailed me about it, she told him, we suspect she's trying to get her H jealous. Drama, drama. Psycho, psycho.

Long story short, H says there was no connection there any more and that he really wanted to tell me about them meeting but I didn't give him the chance (more lies). Who knows. I want to believe him but right now, I don't. It's hard to believe someone who has proven himself to be a liar.

All that's left to do right now is to keep working on me. I really wanted to throw in the towel and I even sent him an email as such. I told him that I understood that he didn't want to be with me anymore and if he wanted to get separation papers together, I would sign them. I really was prepared to take the next step, yeah, I was acting on emotion but I was still tired of getting disrespected.

Surprisingly to me, he emailed me saying he wasn't ready to give up yet. He said that he was sorry that he hasn't fallen back in love with me but he wanted to, he just didn't know how. He also thought that we should keep going to MC. MC has been eye-opening for him. He admitted to me that he has never bought into the counseling stuff but our MC is really great. Often times I feel like I am sitting in on his counseling session. She really is good at what she does.

As I type this all, I realize what a big step this was for H and that I should be grateful. It's just so hard when he tells me, often at that, that he doesn't love me anymore or that he doesn't want to have a relationship with me. Or better yet, when he goes to see OW!! That f*cker!

In a nutshell, yes, we're in MC but no, I don't feel like we're piecing. We're still separated and he still has no desire to hang out with me. I don't think I would ever see him if we didn't have children together.

Okay, enough about him. What am I going to do?

My goals this week:

1. Shut my mouth. Seriously, I talk entirely too much and don't listen enough.

2. Repeat what he says for clarity. MC says we are not hearing each other and we react. This is true.

3. Actually sign up for the 5K I keep threatening to do. I don't run but I'm determined to do something that challenges me and gets me out of my comfort zone. This would certainly fit the bill, as long as I don't keel over.

4. Put into practice PMA. Life really is pretty good. Yes, my marriage is in the sh1tter but otherwise, life isn't so bad. I have a lot to be thankful for.

5. Stop reacting emotionally. Emotions need to be put in check. Seriously.

6. Work on my consistency. I have been so hot/cold from the onset. This is not a good thing. I'm sure I've confused the crap out of him and myself too! No more. I know this is Ego related on my part and it's time to acknowledge it and let it go. I want my marriage to succeed. Rinse and repeat.


Fun stuff going on this week:

1. Comedy Club with friends from the Sep/Div Meetup group tonight

2. Play date with friends at my house on Friday

3. Taking the kids bowling for the first time this weekend

4. Church & dinner with the kids Saturday- I'm determined to go to church. I think I need some religion, outside of just Easter and Christmas, ha.

5. Girl time with my friend tomorrow night. I'm coloring her hair. Never done it before but hey, she asked! Plus, she's prego so more wine for me.

[luvless]

5. Girl time with my friend tomorrow night. I'm coloring her hair. Never done it before but hey, she asked! Plus, she's prego so more wine for me.


Hey...I heard that pregnant women should never use hair die.

[LuLu]

Yeah Luv, I had heard that too. I've never colored my hair so I'm not up on the latest. This is her 2nd pregnancy, 1st one had complications. She's pretty educated with pre-natal stuff so I didn't question it. I don't know.

[LuLu]

Last night was fun. Went to a comedy show with the Separated/Divorce meetup group. I don't know, every time (I've only been twice, lol) I meet up with this group there's always a part of me that gets down about it. I always feel like the youngest one there (and I'm not that young!) and I don't know, it's just all depressing really. Which kind of defeats the purpose sometimes of GAL'ing.

I'm going to have to find some different groups to join. On the positive note, it is a bit ego-boosting. Talk about attention! Yeah, okay, so most of the guys are pretty desperate but hey, it's better than the attention that I've been getting at home -which is NONE!

When I got home, H woke up and put on his shoes to head back to his place. I thanked him for staying with the kids. He actually asked me if I had a good time. This is new. I need to write it down so I can see the small changes and appreciate them. I wished he would have stayed the night but I'm not expecting miracles.

H won't be coming to see the kids today so it gives me time to do some more recharging. I feel good mentally and need to keep it going. Things I thought about last night:

I need to "live consciously" - pay attention to what I'm doing, why I'm doing it, and where it really gets me.

I also realize that with my H I think it's just important for him to be "heard". It's a 180 for me to sit back and just listen and validate. If he asks for my opinion, then I give it to him, but not otherwise. If he's made a decision, I tell him it sounds good (if it does). Listen and validate. Listen and validate. I remember hearing somewhere that if you hear something for 60'something times you will commit it to memory. I'm hoping it doesn't take me that long to remember this one.

[LuLu]

I wanted to also note that H asked me about the household finances last night. He says he wants to start paying our friend some money each month. Our friend has been letting H stay at his place for free, he works on the road and is never there. There's a part of me that can't help to think that he's getting his ducks in a row to file. That would be my own fault because I pushed it after I found out about him meeting with OW again. There's another part of me that says, okay, they had the talk and H is going to be staying there long term.

Lesson: Shut your mouth and don't act out of emotion.

I'm such an idiot sometimes. I'm vowing not to let my ego and pride get in the way again. I hope I didn't blow it.

I know I need to stop mind reading and making assumptions. I will stop. H is coming tomorrow to go over the finances and I am going to be sweet as pie. No sarcasm, no negativity coming from me only PMA baby. I can do it!

[LuLu]

Journaling here:

My assumptions were right. H and I were talking yesterday about finances and everything under the sun. He mentioned that we should stop seeing MC, look into a therapist for the kids and file for separation. I was very calm and did not react emotionally. I looked at him and said, "That's not what I want. I'm sorry that you feel that way but I understand. If that's where your head is then there isn't much I can do about it and I will not stop you." There was a lot more talk along those lines, each time I told him that I heard him, I disagreed but would do it if that's the direction he wanted to go.

I can't help but think that he was testing me each and every time he said he was ready to file, which had to be 8 times or so during the 8 hours he was here yesterday with the kids. I'm so proud of myself though, I never took the bait! I was calm, understanding and pleasant. Yay, she learns!

He made mention of how MC doesn't seem to be helping our M. I fell on the sword and told him that I thought it would work better if I hadn't been so stubborn. He didn't say anything, that must mean he agrees! Haha, of course he does because it's true! I am one stubborn bitty!.

We ended the day with him saying he will go to one more MC session and see how it goes from there. The interesting thing is when I told him that Legal Separation is not what I wanted but would do it if that was what he ultimately wanted, he replied, "No, this is something that we both need to be on board for."

I thought that was very interesting and positive!

Mantra for the week: Don't f*ck this week up, Lulu!

[flowmom]

Wow LuLu. It seems like you have a lot of reason for hope and worry. It sounds like the MC is really having some results, esp how you're dealing with it. When H and I were briefly in MC, it felt like we were both trying to tell "our side", like small siblings telling on each other to mom. I didn't embarass myself, but I'm mad at myself for not using the opportunity to really effect change in our R. Now the idea of MC is just a distant hope, so to me your sitch has a lot going for it. And the separation talk...is it because the MC is triggering stuff for your H? The waters get so murky.

I wish you lots of DBing fairy dust...

[LuLu]

Thanks flowmom. I think H is not completely out of the fog. He did see OW only about 3 weeks ago, it was platonic but still those feelings. And yes, I was not the posterchild for DB'ing and it was ridiculously obvious in MC. I was complaining about H and meanwhile I was being so angry and bitter. You are so right about the telling of "our side". That's exactly how the previous sessions were...until this past one last night. I realized that those things weren't working and my time was ticking. Time for change, you know?

Last night in MC, I was humble and I listened more than talking. It was hard because H kept saying how he didn't see any hope for us and that he wasn't in love with me anymore and didn't think that would ever change. Hard words to hear but it wasn't anything I hadn't heard before. I listened and validated.

The MC did trip up H in his train of thought a few times. H said that he thinks the right decision is to just end things. He'd also said how he hadn't been sleeping well lately. MC said if he felt he was making the right decision, why is he not sleeping at night? If it was the right decision, you would be sleeping like a baby. I think maybe it did help. MC ended the session with, "So, we'll see you in 2 weeks?" and H said, "Yes." I thought that was huge.