Divorced and want to reconcile...

[mar1713]

Hey guys, I feel like I'm trying however at the same time losing hope due to feeling like I'm just acting all the time! It's so weird for me since I've always just said what I feel. One of the new issues for me is that he has moved into his father's house (father passed away in Oct). Everytime I go there I'm cold and I feel tremendous pain being the person that just knocks on the door when I used to be a welcome guest.
A lot of not so good things happened there too, like this is the house he grew up in and probably where whatever happened between him and his sister took place. This is the place where he told his father and sister he wanted to marry me and I heard his sister yelling her disapproval while I waited in the car that day (he was just going to drop off a pie I made), it's where I consoled him when he lost his step mom to breast cancer and the place I was no longer a welcome guest when his father passed away (I wanted to visit his father before he died, but didn't know how he felt about me anymore, so I stayed back). And, lastly because he says he's happy alone.
I felt much different when he had an apartment too, like we were more on neutral ground. So needless to say I am having a lot of hurt and uncertainty lately and I'm feeling the walls go up when I'm around him. Unfortunately I'm like an open book when it comes to my damn emotions, so I'm sure he feels it. What kind of mindset keeps you guys upbeat and positive? In this situation, when you have a child together, we see each other frequently throughout the week, and there's no time to regroup, so it can rob me of the space I think I need right now to be away and regroup before I can start again.
This night I went to pick up our s, but I was late and he called me inconsiderate of he and our s! I kept checking in with him to let him know what was going on and that I was running late, and then, since he lives 10 - 15 mins farther than he used to, I somehow missed the exit and got lost making me later!
So, he texted me after I left about me being inconsiderate, I asked him to please understand that I worked late today, went to the gym for my usual Mon night class then took my daughter to get a bite to eat before picking up our s. The restaraunt was unusually slow with the food and the check too! So I told him I was sorry, but I also had told him that with his move, it would be harder for me to get to his new place on time since it's farther and I have a life too. (I didn't say "l have a life", to him, but tried to put it nicely, by just telling him that I have my usual Monday routine, but with my new job which is 30 mins in the opposite direction, is going to make it even harder). I also mentioned that it is painful for me to go to the house, but didn't say why. Told him I'm trying hard to just be his friend but I'm having a hard time doing just that. See that's me, honest, up front. I think I just need a little space, that I can't seem to get with the child arrangement we currently have....

[dday101798]

So, he texted me after I left about me being inconsiderate, I asked him to please understand that I worked late today, went to the gym for my usual Mon night class then took my daughter to get a bite to eat before picking up our s. The restaraunt was unusually slow with the food and the check too! So I told him I was sorry, but I also had told him that with his move, it would be harder for me to get to his new place on time since it's farther

With a lot less detail, this is all that needed to be said. You're right, your open book policy on your emotions nipped you here. Next time, simply, "I'm sorry you feel that way (you being "inconciderate"), and you're just adjusting to your current lifestyle. Period. That way, you're getting your point across AND being mysterious at the same time. By telling him everything and explaining off the bat, you're not giving him much to wonder "who is this person?". Instead, as you admit, you openly show him little change.

You will experience many times of hopelessness and in a sense 'failure'. That's the way it goes, and you need to learn to cope with it. Again, are you reading the book or anything else? It seems not to me and you're just trying to "wing" this with a logical approach. And let's face it, we're ALL here because our ways of doing things slipped to the way side and blew our MR apart.

I'm not going to question WHY or offer excuses for your X's comment. Only you can decifer his demeaner and intent wiehter he simply just had a bad day or what. Might I suggest, if you have such a hard time controlling your emotions, the next time he sends such a text, voice mail or whatever, don't respond, at least not right away (another golden rule in the book when things aren't the best).

That said, I completely understand your feelings of his 'new' living arrangement. My XW has been living in her father's house since she left. And there too I have a lot of memories of my S12 who my MIL watched almost daily while he was struggling to live a normal toddler life, holiday dinners, picking my XW up for dates when we first met, asking her father for her hand in marriage, etc. Now that house is nothing but a cess ground for the A. XW and OM living there together, with our kids. And suffice it to say, after I moved out of 'our' house that is in her father's name, he's none to happy with me, feels I burned him in someway shape or form. I sent him a letter 2 months in advance that I was moving out, and took care of all financials on it as promissed.

So, I won't go into that house, period. This weekend, XW informs she is moving back to 'our' house. Which although a bit more neutral, I simply refuse to set one foot in. That house did nothing more than multiply our marital problems ten fold. Then there's all the work I put into it, for her, that I don't think I could bear to see ever again. The place just wreaks of bad karma, which sucks as it WAS our dream home.

So I hear you on that aspect. I guess we all have some figuring out to do on that topic. I personally want to start fresh, get my own place and she can move in when the time is right in our relationship. Which might I say, if you think your emotions are charged now, heh, wait until you two spend a night together out, and have to say good night and part ways, ugg, that sucks, but, it is what it is.

Hang in there Mar, do somethings for you and take a breather. If you need to see your XH and he's still bitter for whatever reason, let it roll off, simply, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and let it be. Maybe it's just the holidays has him in a pickle?

[mar1713]

Thanks dday, yeah, according to my counselor, he has a pretty good handle on my ex's demeanor. He is obsessive and is logical, so much so that he can take the emotion out of anything even though he can feel it, he buries it. Sometimes I don't know how we got together in the first place? So I have a lot of work to break down that barrier and I'm definetly am more of an intuitive, feeling person. So I've had to learn how to speak his language with in the "logical" way so he will hear me.
He basically texted me all day about what happenend last night and insisted that I was late on purpose. Basically I don't want to hang out in that house as I did in his apartment. Our s isn't always ready when I get there at 8 anyway.

So, anyway, my Ex told me that since Mon is a day I work a little later, that I should go to the gym another day, and don't go to a restaraunt at 7:45 (he asked what time I got there) The thing is that I texted him that I was running late and he replied ok. But then I got lost and it was later. Then he told me that he had an appt with his bed and that I have "never" (there's that word) respected that he gets up at 5am and so why start now?. I replied that I'm always there on time and I'm dissappointed that he's not giving me credit for that he's not allowing a margin of error, and I do respect his bedtime.

He still hasn't got the whole story from me because he's not taking my phone calls today. My daughter decided at the last min. to come with me, I was just going to get a quick glass of wine after the hectic day I had at a restaraunt that has an open mic night on Mon nights. I was going to leave quickly, however then my daughter wanted to get a bite to eat and then the restaraunt was extremely slow.. so my intent was to be on time, but one thing happened and then another and I was late. I think that maybe he might have been upset or something when he found out I was at an open mic. See I love music and my Ex was a musician. I loved going to see him play and miss it a lot! I love music soo much that I've decided to take up guitar again and then emerse myself in the music world as I've met a lot of musicians through him over the years and there should be no reason I can't enjoy the scene just because he's not with me anymore. It's not like people he knew were close personal friends of his. So this one was hard for me to read. He's not one to ever express jealousy to me, and the fact that he was okay until he found out where I stopped was strange. ...

[dday101798]

Again, I think you're giving up too much info to XH than need be. Yes, it's nice be open and trasparent, but sometimes, a too much is just that, too much.

And please, fro the love of god, stop telling him you're DISAPPOINTED in him. If my XW ever said that I'd be second guessing myself as to why I'd want to be with her if I'm still just such a disappointment.

Speaking of second guessing, I ended up in her father's house last night, was weird, but not as bad as I thiought it'd be.

[mar1713]

I guess I shouldn't talk so so much aye? Well, what to do when he's questioning me? I He got a new email account and sent it out to everyone..do you think he intended for me to see all the friends he sent it to? There's a few unknown women's names in them.. I got a bit of a jealous tinge when seeing that? Ok, and the disappointed thing..I guess I was trying to use the same terminology he used with me. Not good I guess. Ok, I'll really work on thinking about rephrasing better.

We're taking our s on the "Santa Train" tommorow, I'll need to get a new attitude and keep in light right?

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well and you didn't even mind being in "the house", that is great..I hope I can get to that point too.

[dday101798]

Well, I have a meeting here in about 10 minutes, but I've been pondering anytype of reply to give you for a couple of hours.

You still ahve not answered my repeated question: are you reading, re-reading anything to thelp you NOT make the same old mistakes over and over? Because that seems to be the case, more and more.

I mean, simple little things changed can make a big difference in showing your XH that you have come to grips with yourself and want back what you once had, but better, because you are not going to allow those same things to happen.

[mar1713]

Well I read both books DB and DR, but I guess I need to review them, which parts should I be focused on?

[dday101798]

Well, I'd imagine the prelude for piecing would help, and doing 180's.

Funny, I was getting stuff out of storage this weekend, and remembered to grab my book out of the box, but dummy me left it on top of the box, still in storage

Eh, well, I did pretty well this weekend with out it, and really sent a shocker up XW's spine, in a good way, all about the 180's.

[mar1713]

Ok, i'm going to review, I guess it's been a while since I read it. We took our s on a train ride with mr and mrs claus..a lot of fun, on the way home, our s fell asleep. Perfect chance to talk right? Not..it was a quiet ride. We said a few things, but that was all, nothing personal at all. I think we're at a stand still. I just don't feel like he wants to be bothered with anything that takes effort. Which I guess is what he's supposed to be feeling..
Awsome about your situation! I'm really happy for you! Keep me posted, good news is always nice to hear! ...

[dday101798]

We said a few things, but that was all, nothing personal at all.

And until HE is comfortable, that is the way it should be. Make small talk. Not R talk. Again, remember, HE is now the WAS and the LBS script is to never engage a conversation in R talk!

Just enjoy the time for what it was and roll with it. Because each time you set yourself up for this big grandeous experience with your now WAS, it's going to back you further and further into a emotional corner. Welcome to the world of the LBS.

My sitch, heh, is about to hit a MAJOR roadblock. I'l put it up in my thread in piecing.