Is it feasible to try to move on from this pretty quickly and move on to really rebuilding our marriage so the marriage becomes the main focus not the A?
I think it would be different for every couple, however, K I am wondering if you aren't wanting to jump over this part b/c it is so painful and get to the next stage. As horrible as this is....it is necessary. Almost like a surgery before healing. I think getting it out in the open is better than trying to sweep it under the rug and pretend not to see it there. It would be so tragic if it wasn't dealt with and then things fell apart b/c you didn't ask questions or talk to him about how you felt all the time the A was going on.
As the WAS, I can see how his shame & sorrow simply overcame him to the place he was physically ill. I can't remember right now if you said you asked him that night to hold you or not....but if you didn't then he sure wouldn't know what was the next move to make. If you did and he didn't feel as if he could do that.....don't take it personally but I think it was due to his own case of being so upset. You see, I believe we WAS are hit by what we did at different time and degrees.....just as the LBS are hit at different times. Since your H is feeling such sorrow over his actions, then you have to realize that he is going through his own personal hell, too. You are hurt and feel betrayed.....but you can't possibly know what he is feeling knowing that he is the one that did the hurting and the betrayal. He knows he ruin what was so special between the two of you.....but it is done and he can't undo it....as badly as he would love to. I think it's great that he has been able to make a turn-around like he has and be ready to go to work on the M. Not all WAS are that willing or energetic.
You have brought up the fact that watching movies is a serious trigger for you. I can relate that to how reading romance novels were a trigger for me to feed my WAW fantasizing. I have not had a desire to read anymore of that stuff since I told the OM good-bye. What I am saying is that for a while, you may need to watch fun type of movies and stay away from the serious ones and especially romantic ones. Not forever, but for a while.
I am so glad to hear that you are a forgiving person K, b/c it is going to take a lot from you. And you know, maybe it is something that a person has to do several times a day until they can began to coop. You have to do what works for you. As I have said before, if it takes the two of you....or just you....to go seek help in some guidance in getting through this, then it would certainly be worth it.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
You can read other people's threads and when you see a situation that you feel you could offer some suggestions.....or you just feel you can identify with that person.....then hit the reply button and start typing. It may the another woman who has been left by her H for OW who really needs some hope offered. Some people need to be enouraged.....or some may be freaking out and need a verbal shaking to get their head on straight. As you know...it is hard to think under that kind of stress, fear & angry. I see you as being a woman who could offer somebody a good shoulder.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I hope I can help someone. although you and Puppy gave me some very good and pointed advice, some of which I never saw how you got to it but it was correct. For example when I thought my H was giving so much info about his last trip to Ca and I thought he was being good by giving me so much info and Puppy called it right away that he was establishing a good alibi. How do I see through things like that to offer someone reality rather than what they want to hear like I did. A lot of times I wanted to hear what I wanted to hear,not what was really going on. I don't know if I feel confident of giving the good real advice and support. How do I learn that?
I will definately read others and chime in when I feel I can, I am just afraid of saying the wrong thing. You guys are so good and I want to get to where you are.
That is only one type of advice, K. As Sandi says, each of us has different gifts -- some offer encouragement, some offer counsel, some exhort and even 2x4. Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them, and to encourage them and offer a different perspective.
So Puppy. I read what you said to Die and I am hoping you can help me with something. I know I have gotten through this pretty uickly and my H seems completely committed. I, however am having major trust issues and the physical thing is driving me crazy because that is my love language and I want so bad to be with my H but on Sunday after a great weekend away-just the two of us with limited physical contact-just what I could deal with, I had a major break down. I sunk to the lowest of lows by asking every sorted detail of their sexual relationship. And while my brain was saying shut up my mouth wouldn't stop. It was so bad what I was asking. Anyways, now the visual is so much worse, how do I get past this when I want to be with my husband so bad, but everything that I thought was special between us he shared and did with the OW. How do I get past this. Is it a thing where I am just going to have to let it go and fake it till I make it? He went to care for his Dad who is dying today, in another state and I feel a bit of depression that he is gone but my insecurities are huge. I told my H this because we promised we would share any and all feelings and he says he wished i would have called him earlier in the day, that he is always there for me and he wants to do what he can to eliminate my fears and that he is totally committed and not going anywhere, how do I not have insecure days. He is flying me out this weekend to be with him. He really is trying and I am just doubting. How long does this last and how do I get past it. The worst is the physical part? Any thoughts?
As our President once said, "I think this is way beyond my pay grade," K. I think this is where is really good MC can help you -- one who specializes in infidelity.
Hi Sandi. My computer has been broken and at Best Buy forever. I am back now. I am doing OK. My H and I are having a lot of really open and honest talks. i have spiraled out of control a couple of times and asked questions I really did not want to know the answers to but i got them anyways. We have gone away for the the past few weekends and it has been nice and we come back almost on a high from being together. Then when we are apart, my thoughts get the best of me where I go back to how could he have done this to us and how could he have taken me to the brink of divorce and included the kids in the talks about divorce? How could he have fallen in love with another woman and touched her all over and then want to come home to me for a whole year?
I still have intimacy issues because I am now having nightmares of him having sex with a woman and then he wants to touch me and my skin just crawls and I get disgusted. Somedays my anger gets the best of me. I am probably going through the stages of grief but my anger is pretty bad and a couple of times I have really lashed out at him. He takes it well and just says he loves me and is not going anywhere and we will be together forever. He promises me a life time of happiness.
I have just found a counselor who seems pretty good. She specializes in infidelity and is a marriage friendly therapist. I go to see her next Tuesday with my H. He wants to do whatever it takes to get me and us through this so we can build our marriage back. He seems very sincere. I just keep asking him for patience and understanding and not to get frustrated with me. He actually asked me to come into the office and work with him today. That was fun. I saw my inlaws last week and they just love me for having the strength to fight for this marriage. One problem I am having is with my own family. My own family has rejected me saying I am a fool for taking him and back and has asked me not to come and visit at Thanksgiving or Christmas. I come from a family of 9 and we are very close and love to get together so this is very painful for me. I told my Mom that she makes me feel like I am the one who did something wrong and that I was the one in an inappropriate relationship and she said I am. I can't come crying to her if he hurts me again. WOW! Anyways, other than that I am moving forward and am glad to have my family in tact. I feel I have been given a gift and with counseling I hope I can get past my anger and disgust and horrible feeling of betrayal that will be great. Hi Puppy. Are you still out there?
Sandi and Puppy are you still out there? My H met my phone coach the other day. I am using Dottie. He really liked her so asked me if we could use her for our counseling to get through this. He wants to cancel our counseling with the person in our city and use Dottie. What do you all think about that? We started reading the book Surviving the Affair and it threw me right back into all the pain and dispair. I want so bad to move past this but when I am forced to deal with it, I get afraid that I can't get past the pain and just the thought of what my H has actually done. The fact he had a loving relationship with the OW and he was willing to leave us for her and how he took me to the brink of divorce. Also the visual images, I just can't get out of my head. When will all this stop? How do I get this behind me so I don't ruin the relationship my H is trying now so hard to save. He is bending over backwards to make this right, and the more I have to deal with it the less I think I can. Has anyone been in here in there feelings and thought process. We are one month away from celebrating our 20 year anniversary and I am almost at a point that I feel I will help the kids get through this if I decide I can't get past this and work out my marriage. I just don't see how to ever regain trust and to ever have a loving relationship again. We can't even have sex face to face and there are things I just won't engage in because he did it with the OW. How does that come back? Any words of encouragement?
