I have jumped around a bit, posted a few times, commented more times. So I am moving over to this forum more as a journal than anything since my previous posts were never really followed by anybody.
Synopsis-Moved in 2006 and wife began affair with a woman...told it was only a "friendship" Knew something was up, but just didn't catch on.
January 2008-Wife returns home with hicky on neck from night at bar and I get truth about relationship. Get the usually lines that don't need repeating. Wife begins to life at GF's on weekends and does little or nothing with family. Frequent partying, etc...I become single parent.
February 2009- After incident with children (extremely bad) wife moves out of house because she can't cope with children. Moves in with GF temporarily and develops friendship with guy friend. Two weeks later calls to tell me she is coming home that evening. GF and her go out drinking that evening and have fight...while driving home fight continues, GF verbally assaults wife, then hits wife, wife jumps out of moving vehicle and smashes head on ground. Wife calls guy friend, but he doesn't help. GF calls me to say my wife won't be coming home and doesn't mention incident. Wife calls me at 5am, tells me story, asks me to pick her up and take her to hospital.
Feb-to now-Wife continues to party with guy friend because she doesn't want to be home..to boring..not enough fun...she doesn't want to be a wife or mother. Starts to include dining out, constant IM'ing, motorcycle rides, and frequent visits to the bars (usually 3-4 times a week). At times it seems like our relationship is on a roller coaster, then she goes on binge time from home, I blow up from stress, fatigue, etc and confront her...about once a month.
Saturday night- (her schedule leading up to this-thursday-work all day then go out to 12 and return home drunk, Friday-Work until 6, grab dinner, out at bars until 1:30, Saturday-sit around doing nothing until 1, go to movies, go out drinking until 2-all activities with guy friend). Upon returning..I am still up with fiberglass itch (installed insulation with friend), stressed about new business, finances, no me time, and being with children non-stop (kids are well behaved, but I haven't had a real kid break in 2 years). I tell her I am stressed about money and work. Tell her that she is having an EA with guy friend even if it isn't physical. She doesn't say boo...and just looks at me like I am nuts and have no right talking to her. I get in car and go for 4 hour drive.
She is currently trying to save up enough money to get an apartment. This month was bad for my company, so she had to use "her" money to cover the mortgage. I got a quick comment about her having to use "her" money to cover the mortgage. She is still pissed from Saturday. Big backslide on my part...but I am just so sick of this now. It has been 2.5 years of crap and with all this other stress...it just overwhelms me.
Me-Lost my job in December of 2008 and instead of going on unemployment started my own company. The company is actually doing excellent in this economy considering it is brand new. That said, it is also not doing good enough to cover the bills and I didn't start the company with a lot in savings (wasn't planning on losing my job). Have a ton of potential clients, but either they don't have work or can't get money from the banks to start projects. So trying to get by.
I am very stressed, but it comes out only towards my wife. Between taking care of the kids by myself, taking care of the house by myself, being lonely, and the new business....I am tired. So I get no help and become resentful when I see this person partying non-stop. The downfall is when I do something on my own...the price I pay when I return isn't worth it. Returning to stressed out kids and a pissy wife isn't fun.
Done a bunch of gal'ing and 180's which is good. For the most part I am successful at living "as if", but occasionally I get sick of it. Whether she moves out or not, I will still be doing the same things. It almost makes it worse that she is here, because I get reminded that she wants nothing to do with us or the house. At least if she isn't here, I won't be reminded that drinking and partying are her priorities now and not the children or house.
So I am here because I know she will move out soon and this seems the right place to be,
Wow - sorry you're in such a bad way. It seems like your W has no cares at all about you or your kids and isn't hiding her irresponsible behavior. I'm with Lola - what is that you want? How old are the kids and how long have you been married?
I am sorry. I am sorry you are in themiddle of all this. How about endind this? How about changing your attitude and get more...tough? It is what lola and s4h said. What do you want? Do you still love her?
What do I want? The possibility of reconciliation without the expectation. I see our relationship deteriorating farther and farther as she continues to do her thing without respect or regards of others...hence I last for awhile then confront her further deteriorating the relationship. I also want a place to vent to people who KNOW how it feels to be in this situation. My friends are the polar opposite of hers. Mine think she is scum and for the most part worthless. Don't understand why she is doing what she is doing in regards to the children, house, or me. They just don't grasp it at all.
So with my friends, there is no place to vent for the most part. At least not on a daily basis. They really don't want to hear about it because they think I should have thrown her out long. The one person I do talk to (a successful db'er) is in another state, so that daily vent really isn't there. I need a place to vent my frustration so it doesn't buildup and blast out. I think you can all relate to that.
I do love her...but love only goes so far. As far as getting tough...she can't handle a relationship discussion she brings on never mind boundaries. We went to the same therapist for awhile and I discussed boundaries with the therapist. We both agreed that boundaries in my situation are counter productive. My wife is extremely non-confrontational and just withdraws from discussions and shuts down. From there she will respect no-boundaries because she knows there is no-way to enforce them or makes life miserable for all if I try. Example-I have gone 4-5 times on my own since this started (without children). Each time I come home to children doing whatever they want with little or no supervision and her pissed off. It isn't worth it because I have to deal with her attitude and out of control kids. Can try to ignore it, but we live in the same small house and it is hard to ignore though I have tried. Hence her leaving is the best option. It would just be easier if she wasn't here.
My children are D7 and S10 (married 11 years (skipped last anniversary which sucked)). I think they know something is amiss, but don't get what is up. My wife is gone so much that I think they have become accustomed to her not being here. So much that when they leave for school in the mornings they don't even say bye to her. Very rarely will they go to her for anything unless I am not here including even girlie things for my daughter. The latest thing my wife has been doing is not going to the kids beds at night before bed. They will ask and she might give a hug downstairs, but otherwise she will say no and continue to spend time on the computer. Also if you are wondering, they have asked her to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out. Each time she said "no" and the children have stopped asking.
For GAL'ing and 180's, let me hit them before I answer that one; 1)-Got in shape-I have lost close to 80 pounds and am back at my college weight...working on getting more toned at the moment (I am a big guy 6'4" tall about 245 at the moment...lots of muscles) 2) Goes with above, but got to the point were I could run a sub 30 minute 5K 3)Got more involved with kids lives-I now coach my daughters soccer team, take her to dance and I am involved with handling all of that, do the doctor thing, do homework with them, go hiking, picnics, movies, jeep rides, etc 4) Do everything in the house Cooking, cleaning, shopping...not a 180, but definitely a huge change 5)Made new friends-I worked a lot so made few friends down here. Now I have friends with children which is a bonus for me. The one problem is my wife finds them suffocating and doesn't want them around when she is. 6)started my own business 7)Worked less at old job-When this all started I used to regularly work 60-70 hours a week (salary position so no financial benefit). Then told employer that I was only going to work 40-45 hours a week (they weren't happy about that) 8)reconnected with old college and high school friends 9)stopped trying to do things for her-Like get her a sweater if she was cold, etc. Things a husband would do 10)Bought new clothes-New body...new clothes...yippee There is more...but I am excited about my new one if I can afford it. I want to take a hip-hop dance class...lol.
Well I am sorry you are here, and please feel free to vent.
I am going to say this: I don't agree with your therapist.
Let me put it this way: db'ing is not a guarantee, but part of it is about respect for self. I have seen others in your situation who have let the W walk all over them, and although they set boundaries, they don't follow through. Do not become this statistic.
Now, that being said, by no means am I telling you that you should give up. But you do need to take a step back. Do not allow your W to just cake eat. That is not fair to you, nor is it fair to your children, to allow her to completely control the entire situation and do whatever she wants. If she wants that kind of life, she needs to find it, but not in the house. Neither you nor the children need to be subjected to that behavior.
If you let her continue to ignore boundaries and use the excuse that it is not receptive, she will take full advantage of you and your kindness. If you show her you have enough self ocnfidence to know that you are better, she may be mad at first, but she may also respect you more.
Remember, no one will respect you if you don't first respect yourself.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Personally, with how your W is acting right now, I think it benefits all of you, especially the kids, if she is out of the house. I mean if she doesn't even want to come into their rooms to say goodnight or get up in the morning with them, she's doing more damage being there right now.
You said that you think the kids know something is a miss - based on what you describe is going on I am certain they know what's going on, much more than you think.
The situation isn't healthy for you or them. Keep being there for your kids man, they really, really need you right now.
I agree that it is best that she moves out for everyone. It is weird watching the kids around her. When I was in therapy, I told the therapist I felt like "I have to walk on eggshells all the time". I can see it in the kids now. Since I started my business, the family desk has become my realm and my wife had to get her "own" computer which sits at the kitchen table. My daughter will usually color at the kitchen table, but when my wife is home....she colors at the table very rarely. This weekend she actually sat under the office chair I was sitting in and colored.
I do agree that db'ing is no guarantee to saving a marriage...I see it much more as saving yourself. I think I have achieved that during this process. There were things in my life that needed changing and that I have changed...such as working too much. The big downfalls that I have in reality are more fatigue driven. I do to much and then burn out. Since I have no family in the area, I can't even use them as a respite from my children or life. Then to have somebody who should be helping just waltzing in and out on a whim...is frustrating. How to you tell an adult...stay home with your kids if they don't want too? I mean really...lock the door and drive away before they can? I live in a community state, so I can't lock or kick her out. She has to leave on her own and the sooner the better for all.
On to the good news....great soccer practice today. I am coaching my daughters team. Just imagine...a 6'4"..245 ex-hockey and football player coaching a bunch of dainty 7 year old soccer players. I have seven girls on the team and four of them have been playing for over 4 years. In the field next to us was a 12 year old girls team and the coach came over and just said "they are impressive". Good passing and good defense. I fear that I might have to hold them back once games start...they are that good! Just got both the kids showered and bathed...time for them to hit the hay. My wife is currently out so things are peaceful and quiet.
I just went back and reread my posts today...what a WOW moment. I know that what I described is a very brief synopsis, but WOW. Another side bar point...I don't really trust my wife with the kids alone. So if I could sneak out, I am nervous about what might happen. She isn't abusive, but has had outbursts that have been beyond scary. Time to put the kids to bed!
Personally if it was me, I'd just include your kids in your GALing activities. They desparately need the stability and drama less activities. I hope your W wakes up soon and realizes how selfish she is being and the damage she is doing to both your R and her R with your children.