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One of the issues that drove my wife away was the fact that I'm a control freak. That one of the things I'm trying to change to bring us back together.
I've been very tender and loving with her through all this and I'm seeing some slight progress. (baby steps, remember)
My plan here is to let the OM's wife be the heavy the friendship will end itself.
I've also read on this thread that affairs need to run their course and crash & burn on their own, otherwise she'll always wonder what "could have been" even if she stays with me.
No...I need their so-called "love" to burn out and I think with the pressure his wife is putting on him he's going to be the "bad guy" which makes me come out better in her eyes.
I'm no fool. I've decided if she takes me back I'm going to give her some time to recover from the "dumping" and once we start "working on things" I'm going to tell her that it's hard enough to deal with the pain of the affair and the betrayal, but there's no way I can deal with being #2 in her heart. If she can't get past him I'm going to have to "move on."
That's a long ways off right now but I believe it will happen when the time is right.
Right now I'm still scared that the OM will change his mind and that he'll decide to take my wife back. If that happens, I don't know what I'll do.
It is not controlling if you say "no contact or no relationship with me". It is making her make a decision. Make sure she knows she would be the one derailing the M, not you. This is her decision, not yours to make, however, it is your place to put up some boundaries.
To have enough self-respect not to accept your wife cheating on you isn't being a control freak. You aren't controlling her...you are controlling yourself. She's free to continue with whatever she's doing, but you just aren't going to be a part of it. What part of that is being a control freak?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer