not as ok as I thought I was

[happycamper]

Hello all

It's been a while since I posted on here, mainly about trying to save my marriage. Recently I have been seeking "support" through internet dating (said in a tongue-in-cheek way) but I wonder if I need to do some more constructive work on myself again. I'm not sure where to go from here.

Yesterday two things happened - I ended a fwb-type relationship which was both unhealthy and wonderful - what I mean is it felt wonderful, but really I know it was unhealthy. I am gutted, because deep down I wanted to be in a relationship with this man but he didn't want to be in one with me. Secondly, I went for a drink with another guy I met off the net, and spent the whole night talking about my marriage or ex-related topics.

I appear to have lost my identity and was wondering how I start to become a person in my own right? Also is there a way to make oneself feel better without resorting to dating?

Thanks for listening...

HC

[karen43]

I appear to have lost my identity and was wondering how I start to become a person in my own right? Also is there a way to make oneself feel better without resorting to dating?

Thanks for listening...

HC

Good on the ending the unhealthy R. I think that's one of the hardest things to do, but really good to do.

I think for dating to work out well, maybe you have to feel better and happy first, and then date. I think GALing is as helpful for us as the newcomers. Getting support from family or friends. Trying new activities and experiences. I'm spending a little time by myself (when kids are with their dad) and that's a new and good experience too. Maybe IC if you feel you need that.

Karen

[happycamper]

Thanks Karen, particularly with the validation on ending the unhealthy R. Feel horrible about it today and I need the encouragement!

I, too, have weekends on my own, and those are times when I feel quite lonely. Dating during these weekends helps in the short term, but obviously it doesn't address some of the deeper issues. I just feel lonely and all bar one of my friends are married - I'm going to end up draining my one single friend if I'm not careful.

[happycamper]

Thanks gabbysmom.

I remember when I was thinking I was going to get back together with my ex I GAL very well, and none of it included seeing other men (for obvious reasons!). Maybe I need to get back to doing that - going to the gym, looking after myself more, trying to meet up with friends etc.

[Reincarnated]

HC - you said it, completely.

Take a look at my thread and a few of us over here - seems like a lot of us women-folk are out to make some more good friends before thinking about a romance.

My hardest times are the weekends without the kids, too, so I am planning things for those days well in advance, things that are hard to back out of (so I don't hold a pity party).

[happycamper]

Thanks Donna, I think I will do some reading of threads on here, at least it makes me feel less on my own.

I had to laugh at Gabbysmom's comment about her friends living through her! Some of my married but previously "wild" friends have said they quite envy me!

Has anyone else struggled to come to terms with the shock of the bomb? I learnt all about my ex's double life over a two month period and I'm having trouble coming to terms with it. I can't reconcile the two men - ex as I see him now with what I know about him and my "husband" who was nice to me on the whole. When I look back at my marriage, the memories are utterly trashed. I see me clearly, but in my mind he is always a blur...

[hope2wrkitout]

The coming to terms with the men that they are now is incredibly difficult. It makes all the good times seem like a lie. You start wondering what was a lie and what was the truth. To this day my H won't own up to most of the cheating and dishonesty. I know it's hard for us. I heard this really good segment on the radio today. It was about what would you say to your lying, cheating husband before you kicked them out. One caller said " I would say thank you for coming into my life showing me the wrong way and then leaving me and freeing me for better things to come." She wasn't nasty or sarcastic, but she said it like she truly meant it. I have to say thank you to H because he has finally made me the strong woman I should have been years ago.

[happycamper]

I actually find that quite reassuring. XH led a double life for 12 years of our marriage, none of which I knew about, so the shock of finding out was monumental. But, I guess it is difficult for anyone whose partner has had an affair to come to terms with the difference between who they thought their partner was at the time and who they discovered them to be.

I suppose it's only natural for your memories of them to fade too - maybe that's just the detaching going on.

I was kind of worried about my reaction to it all. XH's double life cost us a lot of money (all unexplained debt) and I hated living in such financial instability, so when the bomb dropped I was quite glad it was over, in a way. I'm still sort of glad, to such an extent that I've never been cross with him at all really. Just think I'm still confused.

I can thank XH for... giving me four wonderful children! And for finally telling me and giving me the opportunity to get out of the marriage. It is feasible that he might not have said anything, and the double life could have carried on a long time.

[cat03]

I remember when all hell broke loss and it was all over earlier last year. I felt like I needed an R *inmediately*! I had to have someone too since he was with someone, it ached to be alone!
but I resisted and I'm glad I did.

The moment you feel you dont' need anyone to make you happy that's when you'll be ready to date. Right now you can't give fully of yourself, you are not whole, you need to regroup and be happy wiht whoyou are, otherwise you will expect the new person in your life to fill all your emotional needs which would destroy any R in time.

I have 3 days without my kids, I am volunteering lots, I always wanted to but never had time and then-H thought I was a bleeding heart and that volunteeringg was a waste of time. I faithfully go to zumba (dancing workout) classes and the movies, if my cousings can'tmake it I go alone. Like Donna said, make plans far in advance so you are not alone everytime you dont' have your kids. Give your home a make over, repaint a room, etc etc, find things to occupy your mind. A great book I always recomend is "eat, pray and love" and also "the spiritual divorce".

Find a meetup.com group in your area, I'm part of 2 and there is always something to do every month and you meet new people with like interests (I belong to a volunteering and 2 single parents groups).

It will take time, but decide, KNOW right now that you will do great.

[happycamper]

Thanks Cat for your words.

Sometimes I find it hard coming here - there are many memories associated with this site of trauma and chaos.

XH has been on the phone today. He's struggling very much with my decision to finally end our relationship and he thinks I could have survived all the damage his behaviour did to our relationship. He misses the children terribly and he's very unhappy, particularly now his new relationship is in trouble.

I feel very, very guilty. He's saying he only revealed to me all about his past behaviour, and the fact he wanted to end our relationship, because he was having an affair. He says he didn't really know what was going on and what damage it would cause. He's inferring that somehow I "tricked" him, but taking him seriously and reacting to the bomb in an unexpected way.

I just want to move on and put the past and the pain behind me but I can't.... :-(

I know some people have really awful divorces where their spouses are violent etc, and I know mine isn't bad really. Just having a low day.