I guess you are talking to me? If so, you read into what I wrote what I have never written. I have never suggested that you embrace the OP, or become friends with them. I see no reason to trust an ex-spouse or their A partners with your personal life or your love life. I certainly wouldn't.
My point was merely that the OPs are no worse than the ex-spouses. They are equally to blame. They are equally redeemable. They are equally forgivable. Demonizing the OP is generally largely about putting one's anger someone. It is better placed on the ex-spouse as the true betrayer of the M in that it was your ex-spouse who had an additional specific duty to protect YOUR M.
If one's children are safe around the ex-spouse, they are probably safe around the OP. You may not like it. But, unless there is a chance of real emotional or physical harm from OP, it is far beyond your control. Continuing to have a problem with it only harms all involved, including you, and most of all, your children. You put your children in between the parents in a harmful way for the sake of an R that no longer exists.
D is hard enough on children without figuring out how to love the other parent and their partners without you feeling betrayed. Don't make your children's Rs with the other parent and their partner about you. Those current Rs have nothing to do with an M that no longer exists. Treating them as if they do makes it impossible for a child to be happy with all the important adults in their personal lives without feeling like they are betraying you. In this way, you continue to make your children pay for your ex-spouses A. Not fair.
And, really not justified. The A partners aren't evil demons anymore than the ex-spouses are.
You are in a lot of pain and doing pretty well with it. You are strong and brave and loving. Sometimes a more objective perspective can help move you forward a bit though...
As for STBX's GF, your H was interacting with her in a way in which such dialog was possible. She did not plug into his brain and program him. As for this: "why are you still cosnidering going back, your kids are fine, they have accepted the divorce, you time with them is less but better," I can pretty much promise you he heard things like this from plenty of people trying to make him feel better. Not saying it is right, merely that it is pretty standard stuff said to comfort people going through D....
It sounds like you are still blaming her for your STBX's choices. But they were HIS choices. People do what they want to do. They largely hear what they want to hear. The GF did not cause your M to fail, rather the deep problems in the M caused the A. That may be hard to swallow, but it is actually much more empowering than blaming the GF. For, it means that in future Rs, you have the power to act in ways that prevent those deep problems from arising.
P.S. Of course if there is a genuine risk of emotional or physical harm to the kids by the ex-spouse or their partner, then LEGAL steps should be taken to protect the children.
Those fireworks are still going on I see! I know I don't have to like her, the accepting her is the hard part. I can see that I have gone on a deep journey within myself to see what I did wrong and what I would like to change or even correct about myself.
Ex never had a moment to breathe(his choice) and now is plunging head on into a new mess. Not mine to clean up, not mine to worry about. Last night I kept saying "I forgive them." I know I don't fully but fake it until you make it right?
I do believe that I will be much better prepared for any future relationships I do have. So for that, I am grateful.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I believe NoCode was referring to me. However, I am not friends with neither my XW or the morally deficient guy who stole my wife. I only interact in a civil manner because it allows for emotion free communication in what is the best interest of the children.
I stand by my statement that holding resentment and distrust towards the OP post D is not going to allow the LBS to move forward fully and happily in their life. Acceptance is crucial to heal.
I understand the emotional level of not wanting the kids to be around the OP that contributed to the breakup of a marriage. My kids soon to be step-dad was my XW's affair partner. And my step-dad was my mothers affair partner (and he was a good friend of my father).
At first my father told my mother that she was to never allow us to be around the other guy. But he realized that he himself would meet a new woman someday who would be around us and it would be hypocritical to deny us to be with our mother and her soon to be husband.
And I was the same when my W was on the fence about our M. She wanted to introduce the kids to the OM to see how that would work out if we got divorced. I told her no freaking way as that sends the kids the wrong message because they know I was standing and hoping for our marriage. She did it anyway and I filed because of the exposure of the physical part of their affair to the kids. The kids for a while were solely in my care. After a bit of time, I realized that what was best for the kids was to spend equal time with a mother and a father and I decided to setup a shared parenting plan. I wanted to resist at first partly because of my emotions, but it was important to push that aside and put the welfare of the kids first.
Oh and then I stick my foot in my mouth!! I asked him if I could take S14 to KU basketball game next Tuesday and he asks about changing his night to Monday. I said since he had changed his Tuesday to tonight and then will have the girls all weekend and then wanting them Monday, that would be too much time away from them for me.
He makes some comment about that being really hard on him too. I should have bit my tongue but I said something about us all dealing with his choices. Bad kat!!
He e-mailed back something snippy to which I didn't reply and then he sent another e-mail that he would keep Tuesday and maybe just do something one on one with S14 later. He says he doesn't want to fight but always includes these little woe is me comments about the situation that he created for himself!
somedays!!!
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
