This is my first post here but I really see some good advice and support so I want to throw my story in.
My wife and I have been married for 12 years. We have loved and adored each other and been the best of friends and lovers that one could hope for. No cheating ever and we have always had respect for one another's feelings to not cause any jealousy. We have been through a lot in our marriage (external to our relationship) and these things have alway brought us closer. The only issue we have ever had is my over the years I have not helped near as much as I should have with the kids (twin 11 yr old boys and a 2 yr old girl) and the housework. We have been equal as far as income goes our entire marriage and actual worked together for the majority of it, as we are both active duty military (I was until a couple of months ago and was medically retired for back problems). Anyway, as a result of my back problems the last two years have been tough for me emotionally as I had become very insecure about many things, including her love for me. Not to mention being jealous and controlling. She has NEVER given me a reason to doubt her in this area and has been the best wife an mother that one could ask for.
Well, about 3 months ago we had a long talk and she said that she has not been happy for the last several years and that my behavior has taken a toll on her. I explained to her that she was right and that I really needed to change and was truly willing to. I admit that I have been very selfish during our relationship and that she treated me WAY better than I deserved. The next month or so was rough and while I thought we were making some progress she dropped the bomb on me on 7/6/09. She was adimate that it has nothing to do with any other man or men but she is tired of being controlled and is afraid of any changes I make will not be permanent. Also, that she can handle the kids, house and her career all by herself. In the meantime, I explained to her that I realized that I have taken her and our family for granted and that the changes that I need to make will not occur overnight, but I am willing to make it work no matter what.
I am still living at home since 7/6 and we were sleeping in the same bed and being intimate on an almost daily basis until a few days ago. SHe has broken down several times a few weeks back professing her enternal love for me and the like. I realize that I have made all the mistakes of begging, pleading and trying to rationalize to no avail.
She has really put up a wall over the last week or so and I am quite sure she is having an EA or at least getting coaching from someone. She filed papers this past Friday and we have agreed on everything so it should be finalized in about 90 days. I have been in constant contact with a member from another forum that has really helped me out a lot and stated that she is using all of her negative emotions and resentment to push through this and I should just move and go to LC and for seeing the kids only.
The other night she threw up to me that I am beeing selfish because I have been spending a lot more time with the kids and that she will have to pick up the pieces when I am gone. This really hurt but she apologized the next day.
I am really desperate but have given her total space the last few days while still being civil. She has brought up on several occasisions that she does not care if I am with other girls so I take this as a sign that she plans on moving on quickly (even though her original reasons for wanting the divorce had nothing to do with this).
It is just so hard for me that the woman that I love more than anything in the world can do this. I admit that I have made many mistakes and am going to change myself regardless of the outcome. It just seems like everything is moving so fast now and she has no regrets or remorse despite the fact I can tell she is bothered when I agree with her and act as if I am fine with the whole thing.
I won't be of much help only to tell you my wife of 15 years dropped the bomb that she didn't want to be married anymore in May. Still living in the same house. We have 3 boys 11, 9, 7. Thought marriage was good, If you read my threads I found out that it wasn't. I have heard 20 different reasons why she wants out. The common theme is controling. Easy one to fix if I had known about it. I really didn't. I see it know through therapy(she stopped marriage therapy after 3 sessions). But again, enough to throw away 15 years. I got the I'm not in love with you anymore as well. She has made no attempt to reconcile. Which is why I am still in Limbo. I feel sometimes she is trying to break me so I will file. I have gone from suck up to her, to mr. nice guy, done my 180's, my GAL's(get a life). Nothing has made much difference yet. I want to save my marriage. Right now I am in the I am not going to talk to my W phase. The hard thing is we all have had our ups and downs. I had insomnia on and off for a year. This didn't help things. I think it pushed it over the edge for her as well. But when the day is done, this isn't about what we did. It is about them and they can only fix themselves. We just have to go on dealing with the pain everyday. Sitting on the sidelines hoping they change their mind. You will hear alot on this site about taking care of you, making changes for you not her. We have all heard it is too late for the changes, I can't trust they'll stick. It is like they took a chapter out of the WAW/MLC book. It sucks, but there is nothing we can do. I have made every mistake there is. And will keep on making some. Everyday is hard. The hard part with your story is how fast it is moving. Papers in just a month or two is pretty fast. Not sure what to tell you on that one. This is a good place to speak with others about what is going on with your marriage or your separation.
Remarried 6 mo S 12 S 13 S 16 SD 12 SD 16 SD 17 SS 19
I know how you feel and it is always good to know that one is not alone in this journey, although I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I have taken some major steps to improve MYSELF, which will in turn make me a way better father and friend/mate in the future. Not hanging on to false hopes but I have no doubt that one day my wife will regret this and try to return to me/reconcile. I agree with you in that I have heard 20 different reasons as to why this is what's happening.
The only one that is legitimate and consistent is me not helping out enough with the kids and the house. Now that I have been (and it feels good because I am doing it for the right reasons and not to win her back) she states that I am "being selfish" to make the kids miss me more after I am gone. That is just flat out silly talk and I do not have the brain power to discet that statement. One thing I did yesterday that really made me open my eyes is I went and looked at condos on the beach. Right now I will be living in a one bedroom apartment until our house is sold so it will be hard for me to have a comfortable place for the kids to spend time at my place. So getting a bigger place is my goal for them and for me.
THe hardest part for me is the bomb was dropped on 7/6 and on Father's day she gave me this great card and wrote a long paragraph in there about how I am the love of her life and she would not change anything about our lives and we will be together forever no matter what. She is definitely going through a MLC and I am convinced having a EA and working towards a PA. Maybe she is trying to hold out until the divorce is final in a few months for the PA....at which time it would just be a relationship I guess.
Either way, I have read so many situations that are worse than mone where the spouse comes back after the dumpee goes to LC and moves on with their life after she realizes that that grass on the other side is only green for the season and then turns brown. No matter what I will make it through this. I just love her so much that the only fear I have at this point is I will let go totally and IF she ever wants back in it will be too late. In other words, the thought of her wanting me and me not wanting the same scares me to think of her being in pain like I am now. Call it true love or stupidity on my part.
Any advice from anyone that has had success once that moved out/seperated from a WAW that worked for them PLEASE share.
Please see my post from yesterday; specifically those that have had success with reconciling once they moved out. Not really sure if my situ fits the classic WAW syndrome, more of a TAH (throw away husband). I am very curious to hear what others have done in a similar situation. Not just to get their spouse back but also to help themselves move on.
I hate to see you here, but you are at the right place. I see some huge positives that you have to note, but not focus on. Your wife did plead her love to you not that long ago and you still had an active "intimate" life until a few days. As far as the intimate life, she probably ended it because of guilt. She was real close or filed the papers...so in her mind "what sane person would keep being intimate with some one they are divorcing?" To me it makes sense and should be noted, but the lack of intimate life should not be a factor or focus on how you need to proceed.
You need to focus on you and your relationship with your children. Your wife's negative reaction to your improved relationship with the kids is also understandable. She remembers years of you not being there and now you are...and she resents it (I know this catch-22 from experience). You need to just focus on you and your relationship with the kids. Forget her reaction and don't worry about it. Your relationship with them is about you and has nothing to do with her. Focus on you!
As far as the changes you have made...you are doing good, but I want to point something out. You are making life changes! Life changes take time and don't happen over night, in a week, a month, or sometimes years. I have seen so many times on this board people proclaiming about the changes they have made while only being at this for a week or a month. I highly doubt that in most situations that the changes have been burned into the brain that fast. People who change there lives without a catalyst like divorce take months and years to make them. Focus on yourself and make the changes, but understand it doesn't happen overnight. Think about your first months in the military. You didn't just become a soldier on day one (sorry...don't know what branch)...you were changed over time. That change took what, 8-12 weeks under a system that has been perfected for the last 75 years. Imagine trying to make that change without the system...it would takes years!
Then don't expect your wife to notice or admire your changes for a long while. Even if she wanted to...she won't. The bad is burned into her brain and she is focused on it. You could kill yourself for two weeks playing with the kids and lay down for a break one day...she won't remember the two weeks...but she will remember you laying on the couch just like you used to do. That is just the honest truth!
Suggestions; I wouldn't move out unless you have to for military reasons...she wants the divorce and she should move out.
Find Puppy on this board...he is the best hands down...listen and hear what he says.
No dating and her comment is guilt driven. Don't go there. experience-Went out with a female friend, really just friend, for dinner. My wife said the same as yours. After a dinner ruined by her calling and texting me, a bitch session with her friends and mother, and running out the door to be with her "friend" when I got home...the truth was unveiled. It wasn't what she really wanted!
What are your 180's and GAL activities?
Definitely get somebodies advice on your calmness to everything. If she truly is bothered by your reaction...there may be something there to work with!
Thanks. I have already moved out as of this past Saturday. Things are going well. As an update we were intimate again the night before I moved out and she asked me to sleep in the bed with her that last night. The morning I moved went well and it was rather emotional for me (mostly because of the kids). We had agreed that I should not come by the house for a while to alleviate the kids getting confused.
Well, the night I moved out she sent me a text and asked if her and the kids could come over the next day during the time our realtor was having an open house. Of course I said yes and it went well. I could tell her seeing my palce all setup was a reality shock for her. She was looking at me in that way as if to say "I want to be with you". Later that day I had to go by the house on the way to my friends house to grab some stuff. She asked me to hang out with her for a while but I said no because I had to go. We hugged and kissed and she cried when she walked me out to the car. Later that night she called me and I talked to the kids and we briefly chatted.
Since then she has sent me a few texts and I responded short and concise to each. We saw each other at a social function on Tuesday. I could tell she was watching everything I did and before she left she walked up to me and told me "God, I want to kiss you right now". I smirked and she walked off. Since then we have not spoken but I have called the kids every afternoon before she gets home from work. I miss them so much. My son asked me if I would come home because they miss me. That hurts pretty bad. I am taking my 2yr old daughter to lunch tomorrow and will see all three of my kids for dinner on Monday. Then, I will have all three next weekend for my first "official" visit.
The thing that sucks is I know that there is still a lot of love between my wife and I and this is workable. I am just trying to give her space so maybe she will realize what we are giving up. Basically I am in LC mode with her and I think it will now become a test of wills, which is the way it has to be I guess.
As for my GAL and 180's -
Focus on getting myself into better physical and mental health so I can be a better person AND more importantly a father. Also, to stop being so judgemental about other people and get more patience.
I really am looking forward to the point when my phone rings and I am not hoping it is her. Overall I feel way better at this point than I thought I would but just really do miss my life with her and the kids. I am really looking for advice on how some of you have handled LC with kids and been able to still get your spouse to want you back.
Interesting weekend so far. Since my last post my wife and I did not talk at all on Tuesday night or all day Wednesday. She called me Thursday and sounded really down while I was upbeat and happy. She asked if I could keep our daughter for and extra hour on Friday because she was getting off work early to go to a parent-teacher conf for our boys at school.
There was a social function where there was going to be many mutual friends Friday that we were both going to be at and she suggested that since I was dropping our daughter off that afternoon that I should just stick around to see the boys and we should ride together to the function (WTF??). Like an idiot I agreed. Then when at the house she asked that since we would likely be taking a cab home because we were planning on drinking that I should just spend the night at the house. Like an idiot I agreed again.
On our way to the function we had to stop by my place so I could get ready. We were intimate and went to the function. She said that she wanted to be "flirty" while we were there and we were. I actually had three people ask me if we were getting back/staying together. Of course I said no. Anyway, I did end up spending the night on Friday and it was very nice but I was an emotional wreck yesterday after I got to my apartment and was "alone". We spoke several times yesterday and she asked me to come over tonight after the kids go down.
This woman is all over the map. She definitely wants to have her cake and eat it too. Funny thing is we are going this week to sign the papers for the divorce so they can be submitted to the court. She has not once wavered on the going forward with the divorce besides a couple of times of saying “I am really not sure if this is the right choice but I’m making it anyway” and that was well over a month ago.
It is almost funny that I moved out a week ago and after just 4-5 days of LC and being happy when I saw her and she called me that she pulled closer again. Problem is I folded like a lawn chair as soon as she came closer. I know there is a lot of love there on her part yet she does not want to be married.
Sorry for the incoherent ramble but I just woke up a few minutes ago.
W, I definitely agree that there is either coaching going on or an EA/PA. I just smell that the stink associated with some one having a negative influence on your relationship (there usual is one even if we don't want to think there is). Are there any new single/divorced friends in her life? Or new co-workers? I have seen time after time on here that an LBS says there is no way for that to be happening and then the truth unfolds.
Keep on working on yourself. Rebuild the guy that was...and try to forget what you had become...makes sense? As far as your continued intimacy with your wife...I don't know about that one. The act does lead to increased emotional attachment, but I think Michelle does say it can be too much. She has to realize that she is giving you up and with that, you can't always be there for her. Also, how is she going to miss you if you are there are the time?
Focuses; 1) Continue to work on your happiness 2)Find out if there is an outside influence on the relationship 3)Decrease availability some 4)Be ready for the push/pull roller coaster
Thanks for the post. I have pretty much decided that it is necessary for me to move on to keep my emotional stability. I keep reminding myself that she is no longer the woman who loved me the way she did for 11.5 years. Bottom line is she has made her choice and I am going to give it to her and as you say, rebuild the guy I was...if not better. She has commented numerous times on my appearance, attitude and confidence over the last month or so. As for the Coaching/EA/PA I am just going to assume it is true because there is no good explanation for her changes. She is definitely going through a MLC and she can have at it so long as it does not have an adverse effect on our children.
Two things I have learned from this so far; I will never say ALWAYS and I will never say NEVER. Nothing is a given in life and nothing is impossible. Unfortunately, with each day that will pass any chance for reconciliation will fade a little bit for me. I have a game plan and I am sticking to it. No doing anything together, no sex and no conversation besides VERY casual and anything to do with the kids. I just need to ensure that I project that I am not angry or bitter and that things are just as good if not better without her. It just seems such a shame to throw away so much love and comittment.
I will post every few days as I am sure I will need more help as the ride continues.
Well, the past week has been tough. I pretty much went to NC because I was able to talk to the kids in the afternoon before she gets home from work. She called and or texted me several times each day but always made it about house type stuff or arranging for me to have the kids this weekend. She has become more hostile towards me with each passing day and I just stay happy and ACT as if all is well. She even asked me on Tuesday why everything was so good last weekend and then I can go to this. I played it off as if it was no big deal. I have each one of my kids for one night this weekend (I was thinking it would make it better for them having the individual attention the first time around).
Anyway, she is going out of town for work next week (been planned for about 6 months) and her mom and aunt came into town to watch the kids. I saw them Friday and was very nice and we exchanged hugs and I ACTED as if everything was good but not over the top. I am afraid that my LC/NC and "good with the situation" attitude will drive her further away now.
I am wondering if she is just making herself me mad at me or what the deal is. I will be able to have NC with her next week due to her trip. I feel lime she is acting like a 2 yr old because I am not up her a$$. It is like she is forcing anger or something. From what I have read this is common but I am hoping it is just her initial reaction to LC/NC.
