Ian, I love ya....and YUP that is EXACTLY how you know. Are you wearing that t-shirt today?
I don't even know where to begin. I have really had to shift gears here this last week. There has been a lot positives lately. Hope and expectations have definitely been hard to separate. I guess because this all came from out of nowhere.
These last couple of days have not been the greatest, but it has had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I had been carrying around some stuff from the past that had to come out for what ever reason. It has taken a few days and has been a bit strange, but strange is the norm around here. I am still amazed at how personal of an experience this is.
I have truly had to leave the past and everything in it where it belongs and start new with her. This has been extremely difficult to do this quickly, but it has to be done and done blindly without any promises or guarantees. I have to let everything go and slowly open myself up to whatever comes of this. I do know one thing, this will continue to make me a better and stronger person. I'm game.
I had another long and very nice conversation with her last night. It's beginning to flow in a natural way. I wasn't in the best of moods but I had to stay positive for ME.
I need to be careful and just observe and not obsess. I see and hear so many familiar things that I have learned about here in our conversations. It's strange to really communicate with her and be able to just recognize certain things she says right away for what they are. She seems to be moving along pretty well checking a few more things off her list on how to get to happy the hard way.
It's difficult to sift through the bs at times and even more difficult is the fact that she seems to be testing my reaction about certain things. It's sometimes pretty obvious.
She is once again now getting what she wanted, to have me there as a friend and still have her freedom. I have noticed she SEEMS to be happy. I doesn't take long after talking with her to realize that something is still not quite right. There is something still haunting her . I see it, I hear it and I feel it. She doesn't sound anywhere near as sure of things like she did last year. On the outside many aspects are normal, but if you scratch that surface and take a peek inward, she is still emotionally lost so to speak.
What was really strange about our conversation last night was how interested she seemed to be in me and what I was doing. She questioned me about my plans for the weekend and we had about as equal of a conversation as you could get about everything else too. I was careful to keep everything on the bright side. We laughed a lot again and got a little serious too. All in all it was really nice, at one point she even mentioned something that she missed about me. She mentioned to me that she still hasn't been able to pay her lawyer in full either. I was a bit surprised by that.
Well, it is what it is, just another difficult sometimes painful step to who knows where. Hopefully a much better place.
I have a better perspective about everything else going on in life at the moment today too, but I never imagined that this could get much more difficult than it already has. To say I was wrong just doesn't even come close.
Damn! Guess who is calling as I type? I am getting an earful about school. We seem to be coming to an agreement. Now we are talking about school clothes. Okay...that call went well too. I ended the call with, have fun tonight. I received an "alright" in sort of a disappointed tone.
I will no longer hesitate or question myself in regards to contact. Although this is new territory, I have been here long enough to know and trust myself about that. (thank you Ian)
These are just observations.....I mainly just want to share with you what I see going on. My focus is where it needs to be. On me, still improving, still growing and hopefully making a helluva lot more cash in the coming months.
Now on to me, and it's real simple. Forward I go. It's time to claw, fight, dig and bust my @$$ like never before. I'm getting out of debt, and I am going to live a damn good meaningful life no matter what. (Thank you Ian once again)
I guess thats what makes this so difficult because I do see action in certain ways.
What she admitted to me and going to counseling is good. Her going back to church is good. She is better with our kids. I see her getting in touch with old friends and taking an interest again in things that she could give a rip about last year.
I see some action, but I have no choice but to keep living and doing what I have to do.
Trapt, I'm going to give you some advice here! LOL Don't start throwing things! Seriously, take it slow. Don't be in any hurry. Be casual, yet a little mysterious. Don't let her know about everything you are doing. See if she will chase you a bit.
When asked what my plans were for the weekend I told her that I didn't know yet and that I had a couple of invites. Which was totally true. I didn't give any details.
We will fail, we will succeed, we will hurt, we will burst with happiness.
What is this "burst with happiness" stuff? Can anyone explain this to me?
T, I have no advice, 2x4s, wise words, or anything else...just reading along and observing, and wishing the very best for you.
Peace, Dawn
Me 45/H 47, no kids Together since 1985; M/1992 Bomb1 (EA-OW1, age 22) 2001 Bomb2 (EA/PA-OW2, age 22) 10/2007, A continues H left 11/24/08 minimal contact, no legal action http://tinyurl.com/DawnHope1
You sound like you are on much more solid ground with this. Yes please keep posting as this is a glimpse of something that we all hear about but I have wondered if anyone really ever gets to see it. LOL. I guess we all have some voyeristic tendencies.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
There really isn't a whole lot for me to do either. I'm not in the driver's seat when it comes to this. All I can do is be me and continue to better and work hard.
Things seem very clear to me now. The only thing that is a little blurry is the line between hope and expectations. I was always taught or had this "knowing" to picture what it is I desire and act as if it already has happened while working toward it. This is a little different I suppose. It is out of my hands.
I know better than to ask God for any one specific thing. I can't view myself in this place of scarcity and I can't view God as someone who withholds all things from us for whatever reason. He doesn't work that way.
All I can do is have faith and trust.
I believe without I doubt that at this moment I am on the path to something great and it's not for me to know.
